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PHOENIXIANA; 



OB, 



SKETCHES AND BURLESQUES 



JOHN PHOENIX. 



^^^isicAryj^ 



In th« name of the Trophot — Fioa." '•< ^.;,^ . :;_ ._ ■ 

TWELFTH EDITION. 

NEW YORK : 

D. APPLETON «& CO., 443 & 445 BROADWAY. 
1862. 



T5 '-^i-^ 



Entered according to Act of Congress,- in tnc year 1855, by 

D. Al'PLETON & Ci)MPANr, 

In the Clerk's Oftico of the District Court of tlio United States for tlio Southera 

ristrict ot ^ew York. 



TO 

DR. CHARLES M. HITCHCOCK, 

OF SAN FKANCISCO, 

ICT EAELIEST, KINDEST, AND MOST CONSTANT FRIBlOJj 

«2$C»« .SftEtcf)ClS 

AkK AFFECTIONATELr DEDICATED 

BY 

THE AUTnOB. 



PREFACE 



This book is merely a collection of sundry sketches, 
recently published in tbe newspapers and magazines 
of California. They were received with approval, sep- 
arately, and it is to be hoped they may meet with it 
on their appearance in a collected form. "When first 
published, the Author supposed he had seen and heard 
the last of them, but circumstances entirely beyond 
his control have led to their republication. 

The Author does not flatter himself that he has 
made any very great addition to the literature of the 
age, by this performance ; but if his book turns out to 
be a very bad one, he will be consoled by the reflec- 
tion that it is by no means the first, and probably will 
not be the last of that kind, that has been given to 
the Public. Meanwhile, this is, by the blessing of 



6 PREFACE. 

Divine Providence, and tlirougli the exertions of the 
Immortal Wasliington, a free country ; and no man 
can be compelled to read any thing against his inclina- 
tion. With unbounded respect for every body, 
The Author remains, 

JOHN PHCENIX. 

SXN FttANOisoo, July 15, 1855. 



A WORD TO THE READER. 

It is proper to state, that wliile tlie following pages are 
collected with the permission of the Author, and thus pre- 
sented in a book-form, he has yet himself not been consulted 
in any manner in relation to tlie order of arrangement of its 
contents ; and it is quite probable, that his severer taste and 
better judgment might have operated to exclude some things 
which arc here embraced. The Editor can only say, that 
preparing the volume hastily for the press, he has done the 
best he could in the premises ; and only begs that the sin of 
omission or of commission that may be observable in these 
pages, should not be visited upon the head of the Author. 

J. J. A. 

San Diboo, Cal., October, 1855. 



CONTENTS. 



-•-•-♦- 



ruaa 
Official Report of Peofessor John Phcenix, A. M 13 

Of a Military Survey and Eeconnoissance of the Koute from San Fran' 
Cisco to the Mission of Dolores, made with a Tiew to ascertain the 
practicability of connecting those points by a Eailroad. 

A New System of English Grammar, 32 

Musical Review Extraordinary, 42 

Theatrical Criticism— The Performance of Tarbox's " Ode Symphonic," 
" The Plains," at the San Diego Odeon. 

Lectures on Astronomy, 51 

Introductory— Chapter I. The Sun. Chapter II. Mercury, Venus, the 
Earth, tho Moon. 

Pistol Shooting — A Counter Challenge, 67 

Antidote for Fleas, 71 

Phcenix at the Mission Dolores, 73 

Sqdibob in Benicia, 78 

Squibob m Sonoma, 85 



10 CONTENTS. 

not 

Squibob in San Francisco, 89 

T TtENIX lNST.i.LLED EDITOR OF THE SaN DiEGO HeRALD, 95 

FV Salutatory — Mr. Kerren and the Chaplain — The Squire's Story — Ad- 
vertises for a Library— The Comedy of Errors—Interview between 
Govetnor Bigler and Judge Ames — Tho San Diego Boys run forty- 
e'V^ hours — Phcenix advertises for a Servant — An apt Quotation — 
'Charley Poole's Water — " Many a Slip 'tween the Cup and the Lip " 
—Discourses on Matters Political — Eeceives a Communication from 
•'Leonidas"— Comments thereon— An incident of the Election— A 
Game of Poker— Courageous Attack on a Spaniard — A Syllogism — 
Keturn of the Editor — Phoenix's Valedictory — Defends his erratic Ed- 
itorial course, and finally turns Democrat — Interview between the 
Editor and Phcenix — Desperate Personal Encounter, in which both 
parties get badly beaten— The matter amicably settled " -without pre- 
judice to the honor of either party." 

lLLt7STRATED NEWSPAPERS, 116 

Phcenix issues an Illustrated edition of the Herald — Magnificent and 
costly engravings, including the celebrated first interview between 
Mrs. Harriet Beecber Stowe and the Duchess of Sutherland — 
Landseer's View of a San Diego Eanch. 

SaNDYAOO — A SOLOQUY, 124 

Fourth of Jm:.Y Celebration in San Diego, 126 

Procession— Oration— Dinner, &c 

Melancholy Accident, 129 

Death of a Young Man— Mr. Mudge's Durge on the Deth of the Same— 
Also an Epitaff. 

Second, Third and Fourth Editions of the Pictorial Herald, 133 

A Full Accoujst of the Formation of the San Francisco An- 
tiquarian Society, and California Academy of Arts and 
Sciences, , t38 



CONTENTS. 



11 



PAGB 

The Ladies' Relief Soceity, 1.46 

Extraordinary Proceedings— Strong-minded Women — Phoenix horror- 
stricken at finding his wife among them— He swoons— Is discovered 
and is nnceremoniously kicked, out of the Eoom. 

Inauguration of the New Collector of Customs, in San Fran- 
cisco. Tremendous Excitement! 151 

Squibob "Down on" Street Introductions 161 

Squibob at tiie Play, 165 

"What he saw and heard there— Another Squibob in the Field— The origi- 
nal is killed by the Evening Journal — An instructive Fable. 

The Literary Contribution Box, 172 

Lines to Lola Montes. 

A VrjRY Mournful Chapter, 176 

Giving the particulars of Squibob's Death— A Spiritual Medium ex- 
perimenting with the Corpse — Judge Edmonds thrown completely 
In the shade— Startling Manifestations — Squibob Kesurrected 1— His 
Last Words — lie expires for the last time " positively without re- 
serve." 

Return of the Collector from Stockton, 181 

Thrilling and Frantic Excitement among Office-Seekers — Procession and 
Speech. 

Phoenix Takes an Affectionate Leave of San Francisco, 188 

PnasNix is on the Sea, 194 

The Steamer Northerner— Capt. Isham— Dick "Whiting, the ne plus uU 
tra of Steamboat Captains— The Downfall of a brace of " Snobs "— 
Curses, loud and deep— Arrival at San Diego. 



12 CONTENTS. 

PASS 

PnCENIX IN SxVN DlEQO, 201 

Description of the Plazor— Prediction as to its Future Importance— Old 
Town— Wlio he met there, and what he thought of tbem, &c., &c. 

Camp Reminiscences, , 209 

Dennis Mulligan and the Owl — A Dinner; choice of Dishes— Col. S 

at Church, thinking aloud— Col. Magrudcr's Serenade Party : " My 
name is Jake Kcyser." 

Joim PHOSNIX TO THE " PlONEER,'* 216 

Puhiski Jacks— Call and Tuttlc— The Washington Ladies' Depository. 

Review of New Books, 220 

Life and Times of Joseph Brower the elder. 

PiicENix AT Benicia, 229 

The Methodist Elder— Dr. Tushmaker's Invention— Its Application- 
Fatal Consequences— Maritime Anecdote— The Schooner " Two Su- 
sans " ft-cd Miss Tarbox. 

Lectures on Astronoimi' (Continued), 236 

Correspondenco—Mars— tTupiter— Saturn — Herschel — Neptune— The 
Asteroids- The Fixed Stars. 

A Legend of the Tehabia House, 25i 

Interestino Correspondence, 270 



PH(ENIXIANA. 



OFFICIAL REPOET 

OF 

PEOFESSOK JOHN PHGENIX, A. M. 

Of a Militairy Survey and Reconnaissance of the route from San Francisco to ih« 

Mission of Dolores, made with a view to ascertain the practicability 

of connecting those points hy a Railroad.''^ 

Mission of Dolores, Feb. 15, 1855. 

It liaviug been definitely determined, that the great Eail- 
road, connecting the City of San Francisco with the head of 
navigation on Mission Creek, should be constructed without 
unnecessary delay, a large appropriation ($120,000) was 
granted, for the purpose of causing thorough military ex- 
aminations to be made of the proposed routes. The routes, 
which had principally attracted the attention of the public, 
were " the Northern," following the line of Brannan Street, 
" the Central," through Folsom Street, and " the extreme 
Southern," passing over the " Old Plank Koad " to the Mis- 

* The Mission Dolores is only 2j- miles from the City Hall of San Francisco, and 
a favorite suburban locality, lying within the limits of the City Survey. This fact 
noted for the benefit of distant readers of these sketches. 



14 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 

sion. Each of these proposed routes has many enthusiastio 
advocates; but "the Central" was, undoubtedly, the favorite 
of the public, it being more extensively used by emigrants 
from San Francisco to the Mission, and therefore more 
widely and favorably known than the others. It was to the 
examination of this route, that the Committee, feeling a con- 
fidence (eminently justified by the result of my labors) in my 
experience, judgment and skill as a Military Engineer, ap- 
pointed me on the first instant. Having notified that Honor- 
able Body of my acceptance of the important trust confided 
to me, in a letter, wherein I also took occasion to congratu- 
late them on the good judgment they had evinced, I drew 
from the Treasurer the amount ($40,000) appropriated for 
my peculiar route, and having invested it securely in loans 
at three per cent a month (made, to avoid accident, in my 
own name), I proceeded to organize my party for the ex- 
pedition. 

In a few days my arrangements were completed, and my 
scientific corps organized, as follows : — 

JouN PncKNix, A. M. . . . Principal Engineer and Chief Astronomer. 
Lieut. Minus EooT . . . j Apocryphal Engineers. First Assistant As- 

i tronoincr. 
LiKUT. Nonplus A. Zero . . . J njporcritical Engineers. Second Assistant 

( Astronouier. 
Dr. Abraham Dunsuunner . Geologist. 



Dr. Takgee IIeavysternk 
IIerr Von Dek Weegates . 
Du. Fogy L. Bigouks 
Dr. Tusumaker .... 
Enky IIalfked Jinkins, E. A. 
Adolpiie Kkaut .... 

Hi Fun 

James Phcenix, (my elder brother) 
JosErii PHtENis, ditto, 



Naturalist. 
Botanist 
Ethnologist 
Dentist. 

Draftsmen. 

Interpreter. 

Treasurer. 

Quarter-Master. 



OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 15 

William PncENix, (younger brother) Commissary. 

PfiTEK PiicENix, ditto, Clerk. 

Paul Piicenix, (my cousin) Sutler. 

Reuben Phoenix, ditto, Wagon-Master. 

Richard Pucenix, (second cousin) Assistant ditto. 

These gentlemen, with one hundred and eighty-four 
laborers employed as teamsters, chainmen, rodmen, etc., 
made up the party. For instruments, we had 1 large 
Transit Instrument (8 inch acromatic lens), 1 Mural Circle, 
1 Altitude and Azimuth Instrument (these instruments 
were permanently set up in a mule cart, which was backed 
into the plane of the true meridian, when required for use), 
13 large Theodolites, 13 small ditto, 8 Transit Compasses, 
17 Sextants, 34 Artificial Horizons, 1 Sidereal Clock, and 
184 Solar Compasses. Each employee was furnished with 
a gold chronometer watch, and, by a, singular mistake, a 
diamond pin and gold chain ; for directions having been 
given, that they should be furnished with " chains andpinsj^^ 
— meaning of course such articles as are used in surveying 
— Lieu':* Root, whose " zeal somewhat overran his discre- 
tion," incontinently procured for each man the above-named 
articles of jewelry, by mistake. They were purchased at 
Tucker's (where, it is needless to remark, " you can buy a 
diamond pin or ring)," and afterwards proved extremelj* 
useful in our intercourse with the natives of the Mission of 
Dolores, and indeed, along the route. 

Every man was suitably armed, with four of Colt's re- 
volvers, a Jlinie rifle, a copy of Col. Benton's speech on the 
Pacific Railroad, and a mountain howitzer.^ These last- 
named heavy articles required each man to be furnished with 



16 OFTICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 

a wheelbarrow for their transportation, which was accordingly 
done; and these vehicles proved of great service on the sur- 
vey, in transporting not only the arms but the baggage of the 
party, as well as the plunder derived from the natives. A 
squadron of dragoons, numbering 150 men, under Capt. Mc- 
Spadden, had been detailed as an escort. They accordingly 
left about a week before us, and we heard of them occasion- 
ally on the march. 

On consulting with my assistants, I had determined to 
select, as a base for our operations, a line joining the summit 
of Telegraph Hill with the extremity of the wharf at Oak- 
land, and two large iron thirty-two pounders were accord- 
ingly procured, and at great expense imbedded in the earth, 
one at each extremity of the line, to mark the initial points. 
On placing compasses over these points to determine the bear- 
ing of the base, we were extremely perplexed by the unac- 
countable local attraction that prevailed; and were compelled, 
in consequence, to select a new position. This we finally 
concluded to adopt between Fort Point and Saucelito ; but, 
on attempting to measure the base, we were deterred by the 
unexpected depth of the water intervening, which, to our sur- 
prise, was considerably over the chain bearers' heads. Dis- 
liking to abandon our new line, which had been selected with 
much care and at great expense, I determined to employ in 
its measurement a reflecting instrument, used very success- 
fully by the United States Coast Survey. I therefore 
directed my assistants to procure me a " Heliotrope," but 
after being annoyed by having brought to me successively a 



OFFICIAL EEPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 17 

fiweet-smelling shrub of that name, and a box of " Lubin's 
Extract " to select from, it was finally ascertained, that no 
such instrument could be procured in California. In this 
extremity, I bethought myself of using as a substitute the 
flash of gunpowder. Wishing to satisfy myself of its practi- 
cability by an experiment, I placed Dr. Dunshunner at a dis- 
tance of forty paces from my Theodolite, with a fiint-lock 
musket, carefully primed, and directed him to flash in the 
pan, when I should wave my hand. Having covered the 
Doctor with the Theodolite, and by a movement of the tan- 
gent screw placed the intersection of the cross lines directly 
over the muzzle of the musket, I accordingly waved; when I 
was astounded by a tremendous report, a violent blow in the 
eye, and the instantaneous disappearance of the instrument. 

Observing Dr. Dunshunner lying on his back in one 
direction, and my hat, which had been violently torn from 
my head, at about the same distance in another, I concluded 
that the musket had been accidentally loaded. Such proved 
to be the case ; the marks of three buckshot were found in 
my hat, and a shower of screws, broken lenses and pieces of 
brass, which shortly fell around us, told where the ball had 
struck, and bore fearful testimony to the accuracy of Dr. 
Dunshunner's practice. Believing these experiments more 
curious than useful, I abandoned the use of the "Heliotrope" 
or its substitutes, and determined to reverse the usual pro- 
cess, and arrive at the length of the base line by subsequent 
triangulation. I may as well state here, that this course 
was adopted and resulted to our entire satisfaction ; the dis« 



18 OFFICIAL EEPORT ON CENTRAL EOUTE. 

tance from Fort Point to Saiicelito by the solution of a mean 
of 1,867,434,926,465 triangles, being determined to be \ 
exactly th^^ee hundred and tweyity-four feet. This result 
differed very much from our preconceived ideas and from the ; 
popular opinion; the distance being generally supposed to be j 
some ten miles ; but I will stake my professional reputation 
on the accuracy of our work, and there can, of course, be no 
disputing the elucidations of science, or facts demonstrated i 
by mathematical process, however incredible they may appear 
per se. 

We had adopted an entire new system of triangulation, 
which I am proud to claim (though I hope with becoming 
modesty) as my own invention. It simply consists in placing 
one leg of a tripod on the initial point, and opening out the 
other legs as far as possible ; the distance between the legs is 
then measured by a two-foot rule and noted down ; and the if 
tripod moved, so as to form a second triangle, connected with 
the first, and so on, until the country to be triangulated has 
been entirely gone over. By using a large number of tri- 
pods, it is easily seen with what rapidity the work may be 5 
carried on, and this was, in fact, the object of my requisition 
for so large a number of solar compasses, the tripod being in 
my opinion the only useful portion of that absurd instru- 
ment. Having given Lieut. E-oot charge of the triangula. 
tion, and detached Mr. Jinkins with a small party on hydro- 
graphical duty (to sound a man's well, on the upper part of 
Dupont Street, and report thereon), on the 5th of February I 
left the Plaza, with the savans and the remainder of my 



OFFICIAL HEPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 19 

party, to commence tlie examination and survey of Kearnit 
Street. 

Besides the mules drawing tlie cart ■which carried the 
transit instrument, I had procured two fine pack mules, each 
of which carried two barrels of ale for the draftsmen. Fol- 
lowing the tasteful example of that gallant gentleman — who 
conducted the Dead Sea Expedition, and wishing likewise 
to pay a compliment to the administration under which I 
was employed, I named the mules " Fanny Pierce," and 
" Fanny Bigler." Our cortege passing along Kearny Street 
attracted much attention from the natives, and indeed, our 
appearance was sufficiently imposing to excite interest even 
in less untutored minds than those of these barbarians. 

First came the cart, bearing our instruments ; then a cart 
containing Lieut Zero with a level, with which he constant- 
ly noted the changes of grade that might occur ; then one 
hundred and fifty men, four abreast, armed to the teeth, each 
wheeliug before him his personal property and a mountain 
howitzer ; then the savans^ each with note-book and pencil, 
constantly jotting down some object of interest (Doctor 
Tushmaker was so zealous to do something, .that he pulled a 
tooth from an iron rake standing near a stable-door, and was 
cursed therefor by the illiberal proprietor), and finally, the 
Chief Professor, walking arm in arm with Dr. Dunshunncr, 
and gazing from side to side, with an air of ineffable bland- 
ness and dignity, brought up the rear. 

I had made arrangements to measure the length of Kear- 
ny Street by two methods ; first, by chaining its sidewalks ; 



20 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. ^ 

and secondly, by a little instrument of my invention called i 
tlie " Go-it-ometer." This last consists of a straight rod of 5 
brass, firmly strapped to a man's leg and connected with a ^ 
system of clock-work placed on his back, with which it per- \ 
forms, when he walks, the office of a haUisiic iDendulum. 2 
About one foot below the ornamental buttons on the man's i 
back appears a dial-plate connected with the clock-work, on ^ 
which is promptly registered, by an index, each step taken. J 
Of course, the length of the step being known, the distance 
passed over in a day may be obtained by a very simple process. 

We arrived at the end of Kearny Street, and encamped 
for the night about sundown, near a large brick building, in- 
habited by a class of people called " The Orphans," who, I 
am credibly informed, have no fathers or mothers ! After see- 
ing the camp properly arranged, the wheelbarrows parked and < 
a guard detailed, I sent for the chainmen and " Go-it-ometer " J 
bearer, to ascertain the distance travelled during the day. • 

Judge of my surprise to find that the chainmen, having 
received no instructions, had simply drawn the chain after 
them through the streets, and had no idea of the distance > 
whatever. Turning from them in displeasure, I took from 
the " Go-it-ometer " the number of paces marked, and on 
working the distance, found it to be four miles and a-half. 
Upon close questioning the bearer, William Boulder (called 
by his associates, " Slippery Bill"), I ascertained that he had 
been in a saloon in the vicinity, and after drinking five glasses 
cf a beverage, known among the natives as " Lager Bier,^'' 
he had danced a little for their amusement. Feeling very 



OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 2l 

much dissatisfied with the day's survey, I stepped out of the 
camp, and stopping an omnibus, asked the driver how far he 
thought it to the Plaza ? He replied, " Half a-mile," which 
I accordingly noted down, and returned very much pleased 
at so easily obtaining so much valuable information. It 
would appear, 'therefore, that " Slippery Bill," under the in- 
fluence of five glasses (probably 2^- quarts) of " Lager Bier^^^ 
had actually danced four miles in a few moments. 



Kearny Street, of which I present above a spirited en- 
graving from a beautiful drawing by Mr. Kraut, is a pass^ 
about fifty feet in width. The soil is loose and sandy, about 
one inch in depth, below which Dr. Dunshunner discovered a 
stratum of white pine, three inches in thickness, and beneath 
this again, sand. 

It is densely populated, and smells of horses. Its surface 
is intersected with many pools of sulphuretted protoxide of 
hydrogen, and we found several specimens of a vegetable sub- 
stance, loosely distributed, which is classed by Mr. Wee- 
gates as the stalkus cahhagiensis. 

It being late in the evening when our arrangements for 
encamping were completed, we saw but little of the natives 
until the next morning, when they gathered about our camp 
to the number of eighteen. 

We were surprised to find them of diminutive stature, the 
tallest not exceeding three feet in height. They were exees- 



22 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 

sively miscliievous, and disposed to steal such trifling things 
as tliey could carry away. Their countenances are of the 
color of dirt, and their hair white and glossy as the silk oi 
maize. The one that we took to be their chief, was an ex- 
ceedingly diminutive personage, hut with a bald head which 
gave him a very venerable appearance. He was dressed in a 
dingy robe of jaconet, and was borne in the arms of one of his 
followers. On making them a speech, proposing a treaty, and 
assuring them of the protection of their great Father, Pierce, 
the chief was affected to tears, and on being comforted by 
his followers, repeatedly exclaimed, " da, da, — da, da ; " 
which, we were informed by the intisrpreter, meant " father,'- 
and was intended as a respectful allusion to the President. 
We presented him afterwards with some beads, hawk-bells and 
other presents, which he immediately thrust into his mouth, 
saying " Goo," and crowing like a cock ; which was rendered 
by the interpreter into an expression of high satisfaction. 
Having made presents to all his followers, they at length left us 
very well pleased, and we shortly after took up our line of 
march. From the notes of Dr. Bigguns, I transcribe the fol- 
lowing description of one of this deeply interesting people : 

" Kearney Street native ; name — Bill ; — height, two feet nine 
inches; — hair, white; — complexion, dirt color; — eyes, blue; — 
no front teeth ; — opal at extremity of nose ; — dress, a basqiiine 
of bluish bombazine, with two gussets, ornamented down the 
front with crotchet work of molasses candy, three buttons on 
one side and eight button holes on the other — leggings of tow- 
cloth, fringed at the bottoms and permitting free ventilation be- 
hind — one shoe and one boot; — occupation, erecting smaU 



OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 2S 

pyi-amids of dirt and water ; when asked what they were, re- 
pUed 'pies,' (word in Spanish meaning /d6i5; supposed they might 
be the feet or foundation of some barbarian structure) — religious 
belief, obscure; — when asked who made him, replied 'PAR' 
(supposed to be the name of one of their principal Deities)." 

We broke up our encampment and moved North by com 
pass across Market Street, on the morning of the 6th, and 
about noon had completed the survey as far as the corner of 
Second Street. 

While crossing Market Street, being anxious to know the 
exact time, I concluded to determine it by observation. 
Having removed the Sidereal Clock from the cart, and put it 
in the street, we placed the cart in the plane of the Meridian, 
and I removed the eye and object-glass of the transit, for the 
purpose of wiping them. While busily engaged in this man- 
ner, an individual, whom I have reason to believe is con- 
nected with a fire company, approached, and seeing the large 
brazen tube of the transit pointed to the sky, mistook it for a 
huge speaking trumpet. Misled by this delusion, he mounted 
the cart, and in an awful tone of voice shouted through the 
transit " Wash her, Thirteen I " but having miscalculated the 
strength of his lungs, he was seized with a violent fit of 
coughing, and before he could be removed had completely 
coughed the vertical hairs out of the instrument. I was in 
despair at this sudden destruction of the utility of our most 
valuable instrument, but fortunately recollecting a gridiron, 
that we had among our kitchen apparatus, I directed Dr. 
Heavysterne to hold it up in the plane of the true Meridian, 



24 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 

and with an opera glass watclied and noted by tlie clock the 
passage of the sun's centre across the five bars. Having mado 
these observations, I requested the principal computer to 
work them out, as I wished to ascertain the time immediately; 
but he replying that it would take some three months to do it, 
I concluded not to wait, but sent a man into the grocery, 
corner of Market and Second, to inquire the time, who soon 
returned with the desired information. It may be thought 
singular, that with so many gold watches in our party, we 
should ever be found at a loss to ascertain the time ; but the 
fact was that I had directed every one of our employees to 
set his watch by Greenwich mean time, which, though excel- 
lent to give one the longitude, is for ordinary purposes the 
meanest time that can be found. A distressing casualty 
that befell Dr. Bigguns on this occasion may be found worthy 
of record. An onmibus, passing during the time of observa- 
tion, was driven carelessly near our Sidereal Clock, with 
which it almost came into contact. Dr. Bigguns, with a slight 
smile, remarked that " the clock was nearly run down^'' and 
immediately fainted away. The pursuits of science cannot be 
delayed by accidents of this nature, two of the workmen re- 
moved our unfortunate friend, at once, to the Orphan Asy- 
lum, where, having rung the bell, they left him on the steps 
and departed, and we never saw him afterwards. 

From the corner of Market to the corner of Second 
and Folsom Streets, the route presents no object of interest 
worthy of mention. We were forced to the conclusion, how- 
ever, that little throwing of stones prevails near the latter 



OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 25 

point, as tlie inhabitants mostly live in glass houses. On tho 
8th we had brought the survey nearly up to Southwick's 
Pass oa Folsom Street, and we commenced going through the 
Pass on the morning of the 9th. This pass consists of a 
rectangular ravine, about 10 feet in length, the sides lined 
with pine boards, with a white oak [qiiercus alhus) bar, that 
at certain occasions forms across, entirely obstructing the 
whole route. We found no difficulty in getting through the 
Pass on foot, nor with the wheelbarrows ; but the mule carts 
and the " two Fannies " were more troublesome, and we were 
finally unable to get them through without a considerable 
pecuniary disbursement, amounting in all to one dollar and 
fifty cents ($1.50). "We understand that the City of San 
Francisco is desirous of efi"ecting a safe and free passage through 
this celebrated canon, but a large appropriation ($220,000) is 
required for the purpose. 

The following passages relating to this portion of the 
route, transcribed from the Geological Notes of Dr. Dun- 
shunner, though not directly connected with the objects of 
the survey, are extremely curious in a scientific point of view, 
and may be of interest to the general reader. 

•'The country in the vicinity of the route, after leaving 
Southwick's Pass, is very productive, and I observed with aston- 
ishment, that red-headed children appear to grow spontaneously. 
A building was pointed out to me, near our line of march, as the 
locale of a most astounding agricultural and architectural phe- 
nomenon, which illustrates the extreme fertility of the soil in a 
remarkable degree. A small pine wardrobe, which had been 
teft standing by the side of the house (a frame cottage with a 
2 



26 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 

piazza), at tlio commencement of tho rainy season, took root, 
and in a few weolis grew to the prodigious Lciglit of thirty feet, 
and still preserving its proportions and characteristic appearance, 
extended in each direction, until it covered a space of ground 
some foifty by twenty feet in measurement. 

*'This singular phenomenon was taken advantage of by the 
proprietors ; doors and windows were cut in the wardrobe, a 
chimney erected, and it now answers every purpose of an addi- 
tion to the original cottage, being two stories in height! This, 
doubtless, appears almost incredible, but fortunately the house 
and attached wardrobe may be seen any day, from tho road, at 
a trifling expense of omnibus hire, by the sceptical. Some dis- 
tance beyond, rises a noble structure, built entirely of cut-wood, 
called ' Tho Valley House, by Mrs. Hubbard." Not imagining 
that a venial species of profanity was conveyed by this legend, I 
concluded that Mrs. Hubbard was simply the proprietor. This 
brought to my mind the beautiful lines of a primitive poet, 
Spenser,* if I mistake not : 

' Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 

To get her poor dog a bone ; 
Eut when she got there, tho cupboard was bare, 

And so the poor dog got none.' 

" Feeling curious to ascertain if this were, by any possibility, 
the ancient residence of tho heroine of these lines, perchance an 
ancestress of the present proprietor, I ventured to call and in- 
quire ; and my antiquarian zeal was rewarded by the informa- 
tion that such was the case; and that, if I returned at a later 
hour during the evening, I could bo allowed a sight of the closet, 
and a view of the skeleton of the original dog. Delighted with 
my success, I returned accordingly, and finding the door closed, 
ventured to knock ; when a sudden shower of rain fell, lasting 
but about five seconds, but drenching me to the skin. Undeter- 
red by this contretemps^ I elevated my umbrella and knocked 
again, loudly, when a violent concussion upon the umbrella, ac- 
companied by a thrill down the handle, which caused me to seat 

• Tho Doctor Is in error ; tho lines quoted are from Chaucer. J. P. 



OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 27 

myself precipitately in a buclret Lv the side of the door, con- 
vinced me that electrical phenomeni.' of an unusual character 
were prevalent, and decided me to return with all speed to our 
encan)pment. Here I was astounded by discovering inverted on 
the summit of my umbrella, a curious and deeply interesting 
vase, of singularly antique shape, and composed, apparently, of 
white porcelain. Whether this vase fell from the moon, a comet, 
or a passing meteor, I have not yet decided ; drawings of it are 
being prepared, and the whole subject will receive my thorough 
investigation at an early day.* 

" I subsequently attempted to pursue my investigations at the 
' Valley House,' but the curt manner of the proprietor led me to 
suspect that the subject was distasteful, and I Avas reluctantly 
compelled to abandon it. 

" Near the ' Valley House,' I observed an advertisement of 
' The Mountain View,' by P. Buckley; but the building in which 
it is exhibited being closed, I had no opportunity to judge of the 
merits of the painting, or the skill of Mr. Buckley as an artist. 
A short distance further, I discovered a small house occupied by 
a gentleman, who appeared engaged in some description of traf- 
fic with the emigrants ; and on watching his motions intently, 
• ray surprise was great to find that his employment consisted in 
selling them small pieces of pasteboard at fifty cents apiece ! 
Curious to know the nature of these valuable bits of paper, I 
watched carefully the proprietor's motions through a window for 
some hours ; but being at length observed by him, I was re- 
quested to bave — and I left. This curious subject is, therefore, 
I regret to say, enwrapped in mystery, and I reluctantly leave it 
for the elucidation of some future savant. The beautiful idea, 
originated by Col. B5nton, that buffaloes and other wild animals 
are the jJioneer engineers, and that subsequent explorations can 
discover no better roads than those selected by them, would ap- 
pear to apply admirably to the Central Route. Many pigs, singly 

* This curious antique, to A^bicli I have given tlie name of the " Dunshunner 
Vase," has singularly the appearance of a v:ash basin ! When the drawings ara 
completed, it is to be presented to the California Academy of Natural Sciences. J. P 



28 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 

and in droves, met and passed me continually ; and as the pig la 
unquestionably a more sagacious animal than the buffalo, their 
preference for this route is a most significant fact. I was, more- 
over, informed by the emigrants, that this route was ' the one 
followed by Col. Fremont when ho lost his man.' This state- 
ment must be received cum grano salis, as, on my inquiry — 
' What men ? ' my informant replied ' A box of chessmen,' 
which answer, from its levity, threw an air of doubt over the 
whole piece of information, in my mind. TI- ere can be no 
question, however, that Lieut. Beale has frequently travelled this 
route, and that it was a favorite with him ; indeed, I am inform- 
ed that he took the first omnibus over it that ever left San Fran- 
cisco for the Mission of Dolores. 

" The climate in these latitudes is mild ; snow appears to be 
unknown, and we saw but little ice ; what there was being sold 
at twenty -five cents per lb. 

" The geological formation of the country is not volcanic. I 
saw but one small specimen of trap during the march, which I 
observed at the ' Valley House,' with a mouse in it. From the 
vast accumulations of sand in these regions, I am led to adopt 
the opinions of the ethnologists of the ' California Academy of 
Natural Sciences,' and conclude that the original name of thi^ 
territory was Sand Francisco, from Avhich the final ' d' in the 
prefix has been lost by time, like the art of painting on glass. 

" Considering the innumerable villages of pigs to be found 
located on the line of march, and the consequent effect produced 
on the atmosphere, I would respectfully suggest to the Chief En- 
gineer the propriety of changing the name of the route by a 
slight alteration in the orthography, giving it the appropriate and 
euphonious title of the ' Scejitrsd R. R. Route.' 
" Respectfully submitted, 

"ABRAHAM DUNSnUNNER, LL. D. 
"P. G. C. R. R.R. S." 

From Southwick's Pass, the survey was continued with 
unabated ardor until the evening of the 10th instant, when 
we had arrived opposite Mrs. Freeman's " American Eagle,'^ 



OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 29 

wliere we encamped. From this point a botanical party un- 
der Prof. "Weegatcs was sent over the hills to the S. and W. 
for exploration. They returned on the 11th, bringing a box 
of sardines, a tin can of preserved whortleberries, and a bot- 
tle of whisky, as specimens of the products of the country 
over which they had passed. They reported discovering on 
the old plank road, an inn or hostel kept by a native Ameri- 
can Irishman, whose sign exhibited the Harp of Ireland en- 
circling the shield of the United States, with the mottoes 

" Erin go uxum, 
E Pluribus bkagh." 

On the 14th the party arrived in good health and excel- 
lent spirits at the "Nightingale," Mission of Dolores. 
History informs us, that 

" The Nightingale club at the village was held, 
At the sign of the Cabbage and Shears." 

It is interesting to the Antiquarian to look over the excellent 
cabbage garden, still extant immediately opposite the Night- 
ingale, and much more so to converse with Mr. Shears, the 
respected and urbane proprietor. 

The survey and reconnoissance being finished on our 
arrival at the Mission, it may be expected that I should hero 
give a full and impartial statement as to the merits or de- 
merits of the route, in connection with the proposed Railroad. 

Some three months must elapse, however, before this can 
be done, as the triangulation has yet to be perfectly com- 
puted, the sub-reports examined and compiled, the observa* 



30 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 

tions worked out, and the maps and drawings executed. Be* 
sides, I have received a letter from certain parties interested 
in the Southern and Northern routes, informing me that if I 
suspend my opinion on the " Great Central " for the present, 
it will be greatly to my interest, — and as my interest is cer- 
tainly my principal consideration, I shall undoubtedly com- 
ply with their request, unless, indeed, greater inducement is 
offered to the contrary. 

Meanwhile I can assure the public, that a great deal may 
certainly he said in favor of the Central Boute. A full 
report accompanied by maps, charts, sub-reports, diagrams, 
calculations, tables and statistics, may shortly be expected. 

Profiles of Prof ITeavysterne, Dr. Dunshunner and my- 
self, executed in black court plaster by Mr. Jinkins, R. A., 
one of the Artists of the Expedition, in his unrivalled style 
of elegance, may be seen for a short time at Messrs. LeOount 
& Strong's — scale 1^ inch to 1 foot. 

In conclusion I beg leave to return my thanks to the 
Professors, Assistants, and Artists of the Expedition, for the 
energy, fidelity and zeal, with which they have ever co-oper- 
ated with me, and seconded my efforts ; and to assure them 
that I shall be happy at any time to sit for my portrait for 
them, or to accept the handsome service of plate, which I am 
told they have prepared for me, but feel too much delicacy 
to speak to me about. 

I remain, with the highest respect and esteem for myself 

and every body else, 

JOHN PHCENIX, A. M., 

Chief Engineer and Astronomer, 8. F. A. M. D, C. K. 



OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 3l 

The annexed sketcli of onr route, prepared by Mr. Jin- 
kins and Kraut, is respectfully submitted to the Public. It 
13 not. of course, compiled with that accuracy, which will 
characterize our final maps, but for the ordinary purposes of 
travel, will be found sufficiently correct. 

J. P., A. M. C. E. & 0. A, 



KECONNOISSANCE 

OF THE 

CENTRAL RAILROAD ROUTE, 

FROM 

SAN FRANCISCO TO THE MISSION 01? DOLORES, 

Bij Prof. John Fhoenix, Esq., A. M. &. C. A. & C. E. 

DEAWN BY KEAUT AND JINKINS, R. A., ARTISTS TO THK EXPEDITION. 



Orphuns. 



KEARNY ST 

7 8 3 4 6 



R E ^ T- f Plaza. ) 



Note — The soundinss are in fathoms, showing the depth of mud and water during the rainy 
season. 







M A 


R 


K 


E T 


S T R 


E 


E T. 




/a) 


(a) Represents 


a man walliing 


down the street at the time ot 


the 


passage of the Expedition. 


11' 




S E 


c 


O 


N D 


S T 


R 


E E T. 







F O L S O M 



(a) 



S T R E E T . ^lM. 

Nightingale 



(a) South wick's Pass. 
E. Ha If red Jinkim, Del. A. Kraut, Scu !p. 



A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAE. 

I HAVE often thouglit that tlie adjectives of the English lan- 
guage -were not sufficiently definite for the purposes of de- 
scription. They have hut three degrees of comparison — a 
very insufficient number, certainly, "when we consider that 
they are to be applied to a thousand objects, which, though 
of the same general class or quality, dififer from each other by 
a thousand different shades or degrees of the same peculiarity. 
Thus, though there are three hundred and sixty-five days in a 
year, all of which must, from the nature of things, difier from 
each other in the matter of climate, — we have but half a 
dozen expressions to convey to one another our ideas of this 
inequality. We say — " It is a fine day; " " It is a very fine 
day;" "It is iha finest day we have seen;" or, " It is an 
unpleasant day;" "A very unpleasant day;" "The onost 
unpleasant day we ever saw." But it is plain, that none of 
these expressions give an exact idea of the nature of the day ; 
and the two superlative expressions are generally untrue. I 



A NEW SYSTEM OP ENGLISH GRAMBIAR. 33 

once heard a gentleman remark, on a rainy, snowy, windy 
and (in the ordinary English language) indescribable day, 
that it was " most preposterous weather." He came nearer 
to giving a correct idea of it, than he could have done by any 
ordinary mode of expression; but his description was not 
sufficiently definite. 

Again : — we say Df a lady — " She is beautiful ; " " She is 
very beautiful," or " She is perfectly beautiful; " — descrip- 
tions, which, to one who never saw her, are no descriptions 
at all, for among thousands of women he has seen, probably 
no two are equally beautiful ; and as to ^perfectly beautiful 
woman, he knows that no such being was ever created — un- 
less by Gr. P. E. James, for one of the two horsemen to fall 
in love with, and marry at the end of the second volume. 

If I meet Smith in the street, and ask him — as I am 
pretty sure to do — " How he does ? " he infallibly replies — ■ 
" Tolerable^ thank you " — which gives me no exact idea of 
Smith's health — ^for he has made the same reply to me on a 
hundred different occasions — on every one of which there 
mud have been some slight shade of difference in his physi- 
cal economy, and of course a corresponding change in his 
feelings. 

To a man of a mathematical turn of mind — to a student 
and lover of the exact sciences these inaccuracies of expres* 
sion — this inability to understand exactly how things are, 
must be a constant source of annoyance ; and to one who 
like myself, unites this turn of mind to an ardent love of 
truth, for its own sake — the reflection that the English 
2* 



S4 A NEW SYSTEM OP ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 

language does not enable us to speak the truth with exact* 
ness, is peculiarly painful. For this reason I have, with 
some trouble, made myself thoroughly acquainted with every 
ancient and modern language, in the hope that I might find 
some one of them that would enable me to express precisely 
my ideas ; but the same insufficiency of adjectives exist in 
all except that of the Flathead Indians of Puget Sound, 
which consists of but forty-six words, mostly nouns ; but to 
the constant use of which exists the objection, that nobody 
but that tribe can understand it. And as their literary and 
scientific advancement is not such as to make a residence 
among them, for a man of my disposition, desirable, I have 
abandoned the use of their language, in the belief that for 
me it is hyas. cuUus., or as the Spaniard hath it, no me vale 
nada. 

Despairing, therefore, of making new discoveries in 
foreign languages, I have set myself seriously to work to 
reform our own ; and have, I think, made an important dis- 
covery, which, when developed into a system and universally 
adopted, will give a precision of expression, and a consequent 
clearness of idea, that will leave little to be desired, and will, 
I modestly hope, immortalize my humble name as the pro- 
mulgator of the truth and the benefactor of the human 
race. 

Before entering upon my system I will give you an ac- 
count of its discovery (which, perhaps I might with more 
modesty term an adaptation and enlargement of the idea of 
another), which will surprise you by its simplicity, and like 



A NEW SYSTEM OP ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 35 

tlie method of standing eggs on end, of Columbus, tlie inven- 
tions of printiDg, gunpowder and the mariner's compass- 
prove another exemplification of the truth of Hannah More's 
beautifully expressed sentiment : 

"Large streams from little fountains flow, 
Large aches from little toe-corns grow." 

During the past week my attention was attracted by a 
large placard embellishing the corners of our streets, headed 
in mighty capitals, with the word " Phrenology," and illus- 
trated by a map of a man's head, closely shaven, and laid off 
in lots, duly numbered from one to forty-seven. Beneath 
this edifying illustration appeared a legend, informing the 
inhabitants of San Diego and vicinity that Professor Dodge 
had arrived, and taken rooms (which was inaccurate, as he 
had but one room) at the Gyascutus House, where he would 
be happy to examine and furnish them with a chart of their 
heads, showing the moral and iiitellectual endowments, at 
the low price of three dollars each- 

Always gratified with an opportunity of spending my 
money and making scientific researches, I immediately had 
my hair cut and carefully combed, and hastened to present 
myself and my head to the Professor's notice. I found him 
a tall and thin Professor, in a suit of rusty, not to say seedy 
black, with a closely buttoned vest, and no perceptible shirt- 
collar or wristbands. His nose was red, his spectacles were 
blue, and he wore a brown wig, beneath which, as I subse- 
quently ascertained, his bald head was laid off in lots, marked 



36- A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 

and numbered with Indian ink, after the manner of the dia- 
gram upon his advertisement. Upon a small table lay man^ 
little books with yellow covers, several of the placards, pen 
and ink, a pair of iron callipers with brass knobs, and six 
dollars in silver. Having explained the object of my visit, 
and increased the pile of silver by six half-dollars from my 
pocket — whereat he smiled, and I observed he wore false 
teeth — (scientific men always do; they love to encourage 
art) the Professor placed me in a chair, and rapidly manipu- 
lating my head, after the manner of a sliam pcch (I am 
not certain as to the orthography of this expression), said 
that my temperament was " lymphatic, nervous, bilious." 
I remarked that " I thought myself dyspeptic," but he made 
no reply. Then seizing on the callipers, he embraced with 
them my head in various places, and made notes upon a 
ftmall card that lay near him on the table. He then stated 
that my " hair was getting very thin on the top," placed in my 
hand one of the yellow-covered books, which I found to be 
an almanac containing anecdotes about the virtues of Dodge's 
Hair Invigorator, and recommendirg it to my perusal, he 
remarked that he was agent for the sale of this wonderful 
fluid, and urged me to purchase a bottle — price two dollars. 
Stating my willingness to do so, the Professor produced it 
from a hair trunk that stood in a corner of the room, which 
he stated, by the way, was originally an ordinary pine box, 
on which the hair had grown since " the Invigorator " hwl. 
been placed in it — (a singular fact) and recommended me tt 
be cautious in wearing gloves while rubbing it upon niy head 



A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 



37 



as unhappy accidents liad occurred — the hair growing freely 
from the ends of the fingers, if used with the bare hand. Ho 
then seated himself at the table, and rapidly filling up what 
appeared to me a blank certificate, he soon handed over the 
following singular document. 

" Phrenological Chart of the head of M. John Pb cenix, by 
Flatbroke B. Dodge, Professor of Phrenology, and inventor and 
proprietor of Dodge's celebrated Ilair Invigorator, Stimulator of 
the Conscience, and Arouser of the Mental Faculties : 
Temperament, — Lymphathic^ Nercoas^ Bilious. 

Size of Head, 11. Imitation, 11. 

Amativeness, 11|. Self-Estcem, i. 

Caution, 3. Benevolence, 12, 

Combativeness, 2^. Mirth, 1. 

Credulity, 1. Language, 12. 

Causality, 12. Firmness, 2. 

Conscientiousness, 12. Veneration, 12. 

Destructiveness, 9. Philoprogenitiveness, 0. 

Hope, 10." 

Having gazed on this for a few moments in mute aston- 
ishment — during which the Professor took a glass of brandy 
and water, and afterwards a mouthful of tobacco — It turned 
to him and requested an explanation. 

" Why," said he, " it's very simple ; the number 12 is the 
maximum, 1 the minimum ; for instance, you are as benevolent 
as a man can be — therefore I mark you, Benevolence, 12. 
You have little or no self-esteem — hence I place you. Self- 
esteem, I. You've scarcely any credulity — don't you see?" 

I did see ! This was my discovery. I saw at a flash 
how the English language w!as susceptible of improvement, 
and, fired with the glorious idea, I rushed from the room and 



38 A NEW SYSTEM OP ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 

the house ; heedless of the Pofessor's request that I would 
buy more of his luvigorator ; heedless of his alarmed cry that 
I would pay for the bottle I'd got ; heedless that I tripped 
on the last step of the Gyascutus House, aud smashed there 
the precious fluid (the step has now a growth of four inches 
of hair on it, and the people use it as a door-mat) ; I rushed 
home, and never grew calm till with pen, ink and p&per before 
me, I commenced the development of my system. 

This system — shall I say this great system — Is exceeding- 
ly simple, and easily explained in a few words. In the first 
place, ^^ figures luonH lie.'''' Let us then represent by the 
number 100, the maximum, the ne plus ultra oi every human 
quality — grace, beauty, courage, strength, wisdom, learning — 
every thing. Let perfection^ I say, be represented by 100, 
and an absolute minimum of all qualities by the number 1. 
Then by applying the numbers between, to the adjectives 
used in conversation, we shall be able to arrive at a very 
close approximation to the idea we wish to convey ; in other 
words, we shall be enabled to speak the truth. Glorious, soul- 
inspiring idea! For instance, the most ordinary question 
asked of you is, " How do you do ? " To this, instead of re- 
plying, '' Pretty well," " Very well," " Quite well," or the 
like absurdities — after running through your mind that per- 
fcction of health is 100, no health at all, 1 — you say, with a 
graceful bow, " Thank you, I'm 52 to day ; " or, feeling poor- 
ly, " I'm 13, I'm obliged to you," or " I'm 68," or " 75," or 
" 872," as the case may be ! Do you see how very close in 
this way you may approximate to the truth j and how clearly 



A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 39 

your questioner will understand vv^hat he so anxiously wishea 
to arrive at — your exact state of health ? 

Let this system bo adopted into our elements of grammar, 
our conversation, our literature, and we become at once an 
exact, precise, mathematical, truth-telling people. It will 
apply to every thing but politics ; tlicre, truth being of no 
account, the system is useless. But in literature, how admi- 
rable ! Take an example : 

As a 19 young and 7G beautiful lady was 52 gaily trip- 
ping down the sidewalk of our 84 frequented street, she ac- 
cidently come in contact — 100 (this shows that she came in 
close contact) with a 73 fat, but 87 good-humored looking 
gentleman, who was 93 (i. e. intently) gazing into the window 
of a toy-shop. Gracefully 5G extricating herself, she re- 
ceived the excuses of the 9G embarrassed FalstafF with a 68 
bland smile, and continued on her way. But hardly — 7 — had 
she reached the corner of the block, ere she was overtaken 
\>y a 24 young man, 32 poorly dressed, but of an 85 expres- 
sion of countenance ; 91 hastily touching her 54 beautifully 
rounded arm, he said, to her G7 surprise — 

" Madam, at the window of the toy-shop yonder, you 
dropped this bracelet, which I had the 71 good fortune to 
observe, and now have the 94 happiness to hand to you." 
Of course the expression " 94 happiness " is merely the young 
man's polite hyperbole.) 

Blushing with 7G modesty, the lovely (7G, as before, of 
course), lady took the bracelet — which was a 24 magnificent 
diamond clasp — (24 magnificent, playfully sarcastic j it was 



40 A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 

probably not one of Tucker's) from tbe young man's hand, and 
8J: hesitatingly drew from her beautifully 38 embroidered re- 
ticule a G7 port-monnaie. The young man noticed the action, 
and 73 proudly drawing back, added — 

"Do not thank me ; the pleasure of gazing for an instant 
at those 100 eyes (perhaps too exaggerated a compliment), 
has already more than compensated me for any trouble that 
I might have had." 

She thanked him, however, and with a 67 deep blush and 
a 48 pensive air, turned from him, and pursued with a 33 slow 
step her promenade. 

Of course you see that this is but the commencement of 
a pretty little tale, which I might throw off, if I had a mind 
to, showing in two volumes, or forty-eight chapters of thril- 
ling interest, how the young man sought the girl's acquaint- 
ance, how the interest first excited, deepened into love, how 
they suffered much from the opposition of parents (her 
parents of course), and how, after much trouble, annoyance, 
and many perilous adventures, they were finally married — 
their happiness, of course, being represented by 100. But I 
trust that I have said enough to recommend my system to 
the good and truthful of the literary world ; and besides, just 
at present I have something of more immediate importance to 
attend to. 

You would hardly believe it, but that everlasting (100) 
scamp of a Professor has brought a suit against me for steal- 
ing a bottle of his disgusting Invigorator ; and as the suit 
comes off before a Justice of the Peace, whose only principle 



A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 41 

of law is to find guilty and fine any accused person whom he 
thinks has any money — (because if he don't he has to take 
his costs in County Scrip,) it behooves me to " take time by 
the fore-lock." So, for the present, adieu. Should my sys- 
tem succeed to the extent of my hopes and expectations, I 
shall publish my new grammar early in the ensuing month, 
with suitable dedication and preface ; and should you, with 
your well known liberality, publish my prospectus, and give 
me a handsome literary notice, I shall be pleased to furnish 
a presentation copy to each of the little Pioneer children. 

P. S. I regret to add that having just read this article 
to Mrs. Phoenix, and asked her opinion thereon, she replied, 
that " if a first-rate magazine article were represented by 100, 
she should judge this to be about 13 ; or if the quintessence 
of stupidity were 100, she should take this to be in the 
neighborhood of 96." This, as a criticism, is perhaps a little 
discouraging, but as an exemplification of the merits of my 
system it is exceedingly flattering. How could she, I should 
like to know, in ordinary language, have given so exact and 
truthful an idea — how expressed so forcibly her opinion 
(which, of course, difiers from mine) on the subject ? 

As Dr. Samuel Johnson learnedly remarked to James 
Boswell, Laird of Auchinleck, on a certain occasion — 

" Sir, the proof of the pudding is in the eating thereof." 



MUSICAL KEYIEW EXTBAOKDmAKY. 

San Diego, July 10th, 1S54. 

As your valuable work is not supposed to he so entirely 
identified with San Franciscan interests, as to be careless 
what takes place in other portions of this great kedniry^ and 
as it is received and read in San Diego with great interest 
(I have loaned my copy to over four different literary gentle- 
men, most of whom have read some of it), I have thought it 
not improbable that a few critical notices of the musical per- 
formances and the drama of this place might be acceptable to 
you, and interest your readers. I have been, moreover, en- 
couraged to this task by the perusal of your interesting mu- 
sical and theatrical critiques on San Francisco performers 
and performances ; as I feel convinced that, if you devote so 
much space to them, you will not allow any little feeling of 
rivalry between the two great cities to prevent your noticing 
ours, which, without the slightest feeling of prejudice, I must 
consider as infinitely superior. I propose this month to call 
your attention to the two great events in our theatrical and 



MUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAORDINARY. 43 

musical world — tlie appearance of the talented Miss Pelican, 
and the production of Tarhox's celebrated " Ode Sympho- 
nie " of " The Plains." 

The critiques on the former are from the columns of The 
ValUcetos Sentinel^ to which they were originally contributed 
by me, appearing on the respective dates of June 1st and 
June 31st. 

From fJie Vallecetos Sentinel, June 1st. 

Miss Pelican. — IlTever during our dramatic experience, has a 
more exciting event occurred than the sudden bursting upon our 
theatrical firmament, full, blazing, unparalleled, of the bright, re- 
splendent and particular star, whose Iionored name shines reful- 
gent at the head of this article. Coming among us unheralded, 
almost unknown, without claptrap, in a wagon drawn by oxen 
across the plains, with no agent to get up a counterfeit enthusi- 
asm in her favor, she appeared before us for the first time at the 
San Diego Lyceum, last evening, in the trying and difiicult char- 
acter of Ingomar, or the Tame Savage. We are at a loss to 
describe our sensations, our admiration, at her magnificent, her 
superhuman efforts. We do not hesitate to say that she is by 
far the superior of any living actress ; and, as we believe hers to 
be the perfection of acting, we cannot be wrong in the belief 
that no one hereafter will ever be found to approach her. Her 
conception of the chara.cter of Ingomar was perfection itself; her 
playful and ingenuous manner, her light girlish laughter, in the 
scene with Sir Peter, showed an appreciation of the savage 
character, which nothing but the most arduous study, the most 
elaborate training could produce ; while her awful change to the 
stern, unyielding, uncompromising father in the tragic scene of 
Duncan's murder, was indeed nature itself. Miss Pelican is 
about seventeen years of age, of miraculous beauty, and most 
thrilling voice. It is needless to say she dresses admirably, 
\s in fact we have said all we can say when we called her most 



44 MUSICAL REVIEW EXTUAORDINARY. 

truthfully, perfection. Mr. John Boots took the part of Par 
thenia very creditably, etc., etc. 

From the Vullecetos Sentinel, June Slst. 

Miss Pelican. — As this lady is about to leave us to com- 
mence an engagement on the San Francisco stage, we should 
regret exceedingly if any thing we have said about her, should 
send with her a prestige which might be found undeserved on 
trial. The fact is. Miss Pelican is a very ordinary actress ; in- 
deed, one of the most indifferent ones we ever happened to see. 
She came here from the Museum at Fort Laramie, and we praised 
her so injudiciously that she became completely spoiled. She 
has performed a round of characters during the last week, very 
miserably, though we are bound to confess that her performance 
of King Lear last evening, was superior to any thing of Uie kind 
we ever saw. Miss Pelican is about forty-tliree years of age, 
singularly plain in her personal appearance, awkward and em- 
barrassed, with a cracked and squeaking voice, and really dresses 
quite outrageously. She has inuch to learn — poor thing ! 

I take it the above notices are rather ingenious. The 
fact is, I'm no judge of acting, and don't know how Miss 
Pelican will turn out. If well, why there's my notice of 
June the 1st; if ill, then June 31st comes in play, and, as 
there is but one copy of the Sentinel printed, it's an easy 
matter to destroy the incorrect one ; both canH he wrong] 
so I've made a sure thing of it in any event. Here follows 
my musical critique, which I flatter myself is of rather 
superior order : 

The Plains. Ode Symphonie par Jabez Tarbox. — 
This glorious composition was produced at the San Diego 
Odeon, on the 31st of June, ult., for the first time in this or 
any other country, by a very full orchestra (the performance 



MUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAORDINARY. 45 

taking place immediately after supper), and a chorus composed 
of the entire " Sauer Kraut- Yerein," the Wee Gates Associa- 
tion," and choice selections from the ^' Gyascutus" and *' Pike- 
harmonic " societies. The solos were rendered by Her Tu- 
den Links, the recitations by Herr Von Hyden Schnapps, 
both performers being assisted by Messrs. John Smith and 
Joseph Brown, who held their coats, fanned them, and fur- 
nished water during the more overpowering passages. 

" The Plains " we consider the greatest musical achieve- 
ment that has been presented to an enraptured public. Lik^ 
Waterloo among battles ; Napoleon among warriors ; Niagara 
among falls, and Peck among senators, this magnificent com- 
position stands among Oratorios, Operas, Musical Melodra- 
mas and performances of Ethiopian Serenaders, peerless and 
unrivalled. Ilfrapjpe toute chose parf aliment f void/ 

" It does not depend for its success " upon its plot, its 
theme, its school or its master, for it has very little if any of 
them, but upon its soul- subduing, all-absorbing, high-faluting 
effect upon the audience, every member of which it causes to 
experience the most singular and exquisite sensations. Its 
strains at times remind us of those of the old master of 
the steamer McKim, who never went to sea without being un- 
pleasantly affected ; — a straining after effect he use to term it. 
Blair in his lecture on beauty, and Mills in his treatise on 
logic, (p. 31,) have alluded to the feeling which might be 
produced in the human mind, by something of this transcen- 
dentally sublime description, but it has remained for M. Tar- 
box, in the production of The Plains, to call this feeling forth. 



46 MUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAORDINARY. 

The symphonie opens upon the wide and boundless plains.^ 
in longitude 115° W., latitude 85° 21^ 03^' N., and about 
sixty miles from the west bank of Pitt Eiver. These data 
are beautifully and clearly expressed by a long (topographi- 
cally) drawn note from an E flat clarionet. The sandy 
nature of the soil, sparsely dotted with bunches of cactus 
and artemisia, the extended view, flat and unbroken to the 
horizon, save by the rising smoke in the extreme verge, de- 
noting the vicinity of a Pi Utah village, are represented by 
the bass drum. A few notes on the piccolo, calls the atten- 
tion to a solitary antelope, picking up mescal beans in the 
foreground. The sun having an altitude of 36° 27^, blazes 
down upon the scene in indescribable majesty. " Gradually 
the sounds roll forth in a song " of rejoicing to the God of 
Day. 

*' Of tliy intensity 
And great immensitj'^ 
Now then -we sing ; 
Beholding in gratitude 
Thee m this hititude, 
Curious thing." 

Which swells out into " Hey Jim along, Jim along Josey," 
then decrescendo, mas o menos^ poco jpocita, dies away and 
dries up. 

Suddenly we hear approaching a train from Pike County, 
consisting of seven families, with forty-six wagons, each 
drawn by thirteen oxen ; each family consists of a man in 
butternut-colored clothing driving the oxen ; a wife in but- 
ternut-colored clothing riding in the wagon, holding a butter 



MUSICAL REVinW EXTRAORDINARY. 47 

nut baby, and seventeen butternut children running promis- 
cuously about the establishment ; all are barefooted, dusty, 
and smell unpleasantly- (All these circumstances are ex- 
pressed by pretty rapid fiddling for some minutes, winding 
up with a puff from the orpheclide, played by an intoxicated 
Teuton with an atrocious breath — it is impossible to mis- 
understand the description.) Now rises o'er the plains in 
mellifluous accents, the grand Pike County Chorus. 

" Oh we'll soon be thar 
In the land of gold, 
Through the forest old, 
O'er the mounting cold, 
With spirits bold — 
Oh, we come, we come, 
And we'll soon be thar. 

Gee up Eolly ! whoo, up, whoo haw ! 

The train now encamp. The unpacking of the kettleta 
and mess-pans, the unyoking of the oxen, the gathering about 
the various camp-fires, the frizzling of the pork, are so clearly 
expressed by the music, that the most untutored savage could 
readily comprehend it. Indeed, so vivid and lifelike was the 
representation, that a lady sitting near us, involuntarily ex- 
claimed aloud, at a certain passage, " Thar^ that pork's 
hurning ! " and it was truly interesting to watch the gratified 
expression of her face when, by a few notes of the guitar, 
the pan was removed from the fire, and the blazing pork ex- 
tinguished. 

This is followed by the beautiful aria : — 

" ! marm, I want a pancake I " 



48 MUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAOEDINART. 

Followed by that touching recitative : — 
" Shet up, or I Avill spank you ! '' 

To Tvhicii succeeds a grand crescendo movement, repre- 
senting the flight of the child, with the pancake, the pursuit 
of the mother, and the final arrest and summary punishment 
of the former, represented by the rapid and successive strokes 
of the Castanet. 

The turning in for the night follows ; and the deep and 
stertorous breathing of the encampment, is well given by the 
bassoon, while the sufferings and trials of an unhappy father 
with an unpleasant infant, arc touchingly set forth by the 
cornet d pist&n. 

Part Second — The night attack of the Pi Utahs ; the 
fearful cries of the demoniac Indians; the shrieks of the 
females and children ; the rapid and effective fire of the rifles ; 
the stampede of the oxen ; their recovery and the final re- 
pulse ; the Pi Utahs being routed after a loss of thirty-six 
killed and wounded, while the Pikes lose but one scalp (from 
an old fellow who wore a wig, and lost it in the scuffle), are 
faithfully given, and excite the most intense interest in the 
minds of the hearers ; the emotions of fear, admiration and 
delight, succeeding each other in their minds, with almost 
painful rapidity. Then follows the grand chorus : 

" Oh ! we gin them fits, 
The Ingeu Utiihs. 
With our six-shooters — 
We gin 'em pertickuler fits." 



IMUSICAT. REVIEW EXTRAORDINARY. 49 

After wliicli, we have tlie charming recitative of Herr 
Tuden Links, to the infant, which is really one of the most 
charming gems in the performance : 

" Kow, dern your skin, caiCt you be easy ? " 

Morning succeeds. The sun rises magnificently (octavo 
fiute) — ^breakfast is eaten, — in a rapid movement on three 
sharps ; the oxen are caught and yoked up — with a small 
drum and triangle ; the watches, purses, and other valuables 
of the conquered Pi Utahs, are stored away in a camp-kettle, 
to a small movement on the piccolo, and the train moves on, 
with the grand chorus : — 

" Vr^e'Il soon be thar, 

Gee up BoUy ! Whoo hup ! whoo haw I " 

The whole concludes with the grand hymn and chorus : — 

" When we die we'll go to Benton, 

Whup ! Whoo, haw ! 
The greatest man that e'er land saw, 

Gee ! 
Who this little airth was sent on 

Whup ! Wlioo, haw ! 
To tell a • hawk from a hand-saw ! ' 

Gee!" 

The immense expense attending the production of this 
magnificent work; the length of time required to prepare 
the chorus ; the incredible number of instruments destroyed 
4t each rehearsal, have hitherto prevented M. Tarbox from 
placing it before the American public, and it has remained 
for San Diego to show herself superior to her sister cities of 



60 MUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAORDINARY. 

tlic Union, in musical taste and appreciation, and in liigli 
soulcd liberality, by patronizing this immortal prodigy, and 
enabling its author to bring it forth in accordance with his 
wishes and its capabilities. "We trust every citizen of San 
Diego and Vallecetos will listen to it ere it is withdrawn ; and 
if there yet lingers in San Francisco one spark of musical 
fervor, or a remnant of taste for pure harmony, we can only 
say that the Southerner sailgfrom that place once a fortnight, 
and that the passage money is but forty-five dollars. 



LECTUEES ON ASTRONOMY. 



INTRODUCTORY. 

The following pages were originally prepared in the form 
of a course of Lectures to loo delivered before the Lowell 
Institute, of Boston, Mass., but, owing to the unexpected 
circumstance of the author's receiving no invitation to lec- 
ture before that institution, they were laid aside shortly after 
their completion. 

Receiving an invitation from the trustees of the Yalle- 
cetos Literary and Scientific Institute, during the present 
summer, to deliver a course of Lectures on any popular sub- 
ject, the author withdrew his manuscript from the dusty 
shelf on which it had long lain neglected, and, having some- 
what revised and enlarged it, to suit the capacity of the 
eminent scholars before whom it was to be displayed, re- 
paired to Vallecetos. But, on arriving at that place, he 



52 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 

learned with deep regret, tliat the only inhabitant had left a 
few days previous, having availed himself of the opportunity 
presented by a passing emigrant's horse, — and that, in conse- 
quence, the opening of the Institute was indefinitely post- 
poned. Under these circumstances, and yielding with re- 
luctance to the earnest solicitations of many eminent scientific 
friends, he has been induced to place the Lectures before the 
public in their present form. Should they meet with that 
success which his sanguine friends prognosticate, the author 
may be induced subsequently to publish them in the form of 
a text-book, for the use of the higher schools and universi- 
ties ; it being his greatest ambitioD to render himself useful 
in his day and generation, by widely disseminating the in- 
formation he has acquired among those who, less fortunate, 
are yet willing to receive instruction. 

JOHN PHCENIX. 

San Diego Obseetatokt, September 1, 1S54, 



LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY.— PART I. 
CHAPTER I. 

The term Astronomy is derived from two Latin words,- 
Astra^ a star, and onomy^ a science ; and literally means th*3 
science of the stars. " It is a science," to quote our friend 
Dick (who was no relation at all of Big Dick, though the 
latter occasionally caused individuals to see stars), *• which 
has, in all ages, engaged the attention of the poet, the phi- 



LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 53 

losopber, and the divine, and Ibeen the subject of their study 
and admiration." 

By the wondrous discoveries of the improved telescopes of 
modern times, we ascertain that upwards of several hundred 
millions of stars exist, that are invisible to the naked eye — 
the nearest of which is millions of millions of miles from the 
Earth ; and as we have every reason to suppose that every 
one of this inconceivable number of worlds is peopled like 
our own, a consideration of this fact — and that we are un- 
doubtedly as superior to these beings, as we are to the rest 
of mankind — is calculated to fill the mind of the American 
with a due sense of his own importance in the scale of ani- 
mated creation. 

It is supposed that each of the stars we see in the Hea- 
vens in a cloudless night, is a sun shining upon its own cur- 
vilinear, with light of its own manufacture ; and as it would be 
absurd to suppose its light and heat were made to be diffused 
for nothing, it is presumed farther, that each sun, like an old 
hen, is provided with a parcel of little chickens, in the way 
of planets, which, shining but feebly by its reflected light, 
are to us invisible. To this opinion we are led, also, by 
reasoning from analogy, on considering our own Solar 
System. 

The Solar System is so called, not because we believe it 
to be the sole system of the kind in existence, but from its 
principal body the Sun ; the Latin name of which is Sol. 
(Thus we read of Sol Smith, literally meaning the son of Old 
Smith.) On a close examination of the Heavens we perceive 



54 LECTUFvES ON ASTRONOMY. 

nuraerous brilliant stars wliicli sliine with a steady liglil 
(differing from tliose wliich surround tliem, wliicli are always 
twinkling like a dew-drop on a cucumber-vine), and which, 
moreover, do not preserve constantly the same relative dis- 
tance from the stars near which they are first discovered. 
These are the planets of the Solae, System, which have no 
light of their own — of which the Earth, on wliicn. we leside, 
is one, — which shine by light reflected from the Sun, — and 
which regularly move around that body at different intervals 
of time and through different ranges in space. Up to the 
time of a gentleman named Copernicus, who flourished about 
the middle of the Fifteenth Century, it was sujDposed by our 
stupid ancestors that the Earth was the centre of all creation, 
being a large flat body, resting on a rock which rested on 
another rock, and so on '' all the way down;" and that the 
Sun, planets and immovable stars all revolved about it once 
in twenty-four hours. 

This reminds us of the simplicity of a child we once saw 
in a railroad-car, who fancied itself perfectly stationary, and 
thought the fences, houses and fields were tearing past it at 
the rate of thirty miles an hour ; — and poking out its head^ 
to see where on earth they went to, had its hat — a very nice 
one with pink ribbons — knocked off and irrecoverably lost. 
But Copernicus (who was a son of Daniel Pcrnicus, of the 
firm of Pernicus & Co., wool-dealers, and who was named Co. 
Pcrnicus, out of respect to his father's partners) soon set this 
matter to rights, and started the idea of the present Solar 
System, which, greatly improved since his day, is occasionally 



LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 55 

-.lied the Copernican system. By this system we learn tliat 
the Sun is stationed at one focics (not hocus, as it is rendered, 
without authority by the philosopher Partington) of an ellipse, 
where it slowly grinds on for ever about its own axis, while 
the planets, turning about their axes, revolve in elliptical 
orbits of various dimensions and different planes of inclina- 
tion around it. 

The demonstration of this system in all its perfection 
was left to Isaac Newton, an English Philosopher, who, seeing 
an apple tumble down from a tree, was led to think thereon 
with such gravity, that he finally discovered the attraction 
of gravitation, which proved to be the great law of Nature 
that keeps every thing in its place. Thus we see that as an 
apple originally brought sin and ignorance into the world, 
the same fruit proved thereafter the cause of vast knowledge 
and enlightenment ; — and indeed we may doubt whether any 
other fruit but an apple, and a sour one at that, would have 
produced these great results ; — for, had the fallen fruit been 
a pear, an orange, or a peach, there is little doubt that New- 
ton would have eaten it up and thought no more on the sub- 
ject. 

As in this world you will hardly ever find a man so 
small but that he has some one else smaller than he, to look 
up to and revolve around him, so in the Solar System we 
find that the majority of the planets have one or more 
smaller planets revolving about them. These small bodies 
are termed secondaries, moons or satellites — the planets 
themselves being called primaries. 



CS LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 

Wo know :it prosout of eiii;litoon priiuavios, viz : Moroury, 
A'oiius, tlio Earth, Mars, Flora, Vosta, Iris, Metis, llobO; 
Astroa, .liiuo, Coros, Pallas, Ilygoia, Jupiter, Saturn, Her* 
sehel, Neptune, and another, yet uimamed. There are dis- 
tributed auuuig these, nineteen secondaries, all of "wliieh 
except our Moon, arc invisible to the naked eye. 

We shall novy proceed to consider, separately, the dif- 
ferent bodies composing the Solar System, and to make 
known what little infornuition, comparatively speaking, 
science has collected regarding them. And, llrst in order, as 
in place, we come to 

Tins srx. 
This glorious orb may be seen almost any clear day, by 
looking intently in its direction, through a piece of smoked 
glass. Through this medium it appears about the size of a 
large orange, and of much the same color. It is, however, 
somewhat larger, being, in fact SST.OOO miles in diameter, 
and containing a volume of matter equal to fourteen hundred 
thousand globes of the size of the Earth, which is certainly 
a matter of no small importance. Through the telescope it 
appears like an enormous globe of fire, with many spots 
upon its surface, which, unlike those of the leopard, are con- 
tinually changing. These spots were first discorered bv a 
gentleman named Galileo, in the year 1011. Though the 
Sun is usually termed and considered the luminary of dav, 
it may not be uninteresting to our readers to know that it 
certainly has been seen in the night. A scientific friend of 
>iurs from New Enghmd (Mr. R. W. Emerson) while travel- 



LECTTJIIES ON ASTRONOMY. 57 

ing through the northern part of Norway, with a cargo of 
tinware, on the 21st of June, 1836, distinctly saw the Sun 
in all its majesty, shining at midnight ! — in fact, shining all 
night! Emerson is not what you would call a superstitious 
man, by any means — but, he left ! Since that time many per- 
sons have observed its nocturnal appearance in that part of the 
country, at the same time of the year. This phenomenon has 
never been witnessed in the latitude of San Diego, however, 
and it is very improbable that it ever will be. Sacred history 
informs us that a distinguished military man, named Joshua, 
once caused the Sun to " stand still ; " how he did it, is not 
mentioned. There can, of course, be no doubt of the fact, that 
he arrested its progress, and possibly caused it to "stand siill;''^ 
— but translators are not always perfectly accurate, and we 
are inclined to the opinion that it might have wiggled a very 
little, when Joshua was not looking directly at it. The 
statement, however, does not appear so very incredible, when 
we reflect that seafaring men are in the habit of actually 
bringing the Sun down to the horizon every day at 12 Meri- 
dian. This they effect by means of a tool made of brass, 
glass and silver, called a sextant. The composition of the 
Sun has long been a matter of dispute. 

By close and accurate observation with an excellent opera- 
glass, we have arrived at the conclusion that its entire surface 
is covered with water to a very great depth ; which water, 
being composed by a process known at present only to the 
Creator of the Universe and "Mr. Paine of Worcester, Mas- 
sachusetts, generates carburetted hydrogen gas, which, being 



58 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 

inflamed, surrounds tlie entire body "witli an ocean of fire, from 
wliicli we, and the otlaer planets, receive our light and heat. 
The spots upon its surface are glimpses of water, obtained 
through the fire ; and we call the attention of our old friend 
and former schoolmate, Mr. Agassiz, to this fact ; as by 
closely observing one of these spots with a strong refracting 
telescope, he may discover a new species of fish, with little 
fishes inside of them. It is possible that the Sun may burn 
out after awhile, which would leave this world in a state of 
darkness quite uncomfortable to contemplate ; but even under 
these circumstances it is pleasant to reflect, that courting and 
love-making would probably increase, to an indefinite ex- 
tent, and that many persoES vv^ould make large fortunes by 
the sudden rise in value of coal, wood, candles, and gas, which 
would go to illustrate the truth of the old proverb, " It's an 
ill wind that blows nobody any good." 

Upon the whole, the Sun is a glorious creation ; pleasing 
to gaze upon (through smoked glass), elevating to think upon, 
and exceedingly comfortable to every created being on a cold 
day ; it is the largest, the brightest, and may be considered 
by far the most magnificent object in the celestial sphere ; 
though with all these attributes it must be confessed that it 
is occasionally entirely eclipsed by the moon. 

CHAPTER II. 

We shall now proceed to the consideration of the several 
planets. 

BIERCURY. 

This planet, with the exception of the asteroids, is the 



LECTURE? QN ASTRONOMY. 59 

smallest of the system. It is the nearest to the Sun, and, 
in consequence, cannot be seen (on account of the Sun's 
superior light), except at its greatest eastern and western 
elongations, which occur in March and April, August and 
September, when it may be seen for a short time immediately 
after sunset and shortly before sunrise. It then appears 
like a star of the first magnitude, having a white twinkling 
light, and resembling somewhat the star Regulus in the con- 
stellation Leo. The day in Mercury is about ten minutes 
longer than ours, its year is about equal to three of our months. 
It receives six and a half times as much heat from the Sun 
as we do ; from which we conclude that the climate must be 
very similar to that of Fort Yuma, on the Colorado Eiver. 
The difficulty of communication with Mercury will probably 
prevent its ever being selected as a military post ; though it 
possesses many advantages for that purpose, being extremely 
inaccessible, inconvenient, and, doubtless, singularly uncom- 
fortable. It receives its name from the Grod, Mercury, in 
the Heathen Mythology, who is the patron and tutelary Di- 
vinity of San Diego County. 



This beautiful planet may be seen either a little after 
sanset, or shortly before sunrise, according as it becomes 
the morning or the evening star, but never departing quite 
48° from the Sun. Its day is about twenty-five minutes 
shorter than ours ; its year seven and half months or thirty- 
two weeks. The diameter of Venus is 7,700 miles, and she 



GO LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 

receives from the Sun thrice as much light and heat as the 
Earth. 

An old Dutchman named Schroetcr spent more than ten 
years in observations on this planet, and finally discovered a 
mountain on it twenty-two miles in height, but he never could 
discover any thing on the mountain, not even a mouse, and 
finally died about as wise as when he commenced hia 
studies. 

Venus, in Mythology, was a Croddcss cf singular beauty, 
who bocainc the wife of Vuliian, the blacksmith, and we re- 
gret to add, behaved in the most immoral manner after her 
nuirriage. The celebrated ease of Yulcan ^'s. Mars, and the 
consequent scandal, is probably still fresh in the minds of 
our readers. By a large portion of society, however, slie was 
considered an ill-used and persecuted lady, against whoso 
high tone of morals, and strictly virtuous conduct not a 
shadow of suspicion could bo cast; Vulcan, by the same 
parties, was considered a horrid brute, and they all agreed 
that it served him right when he lost his case and had to 
pay the costs of court. Venus still remains the Goddess of 
Beauty, and not a few of her proteges may be found in 
California. 

THE KAKTII. 

The Earth, or as the Latins called it, Tellus (from which 
originated the expression, " do tell us)," is the third planet 
in the Solar System, and the one on which we subsist, with 
fill our important joys and sorrows. The San Diego Herald 



t 



LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 61 

is published weekly on this planet, for five dollars per annum, 
payable invariably in advance. As the Earth is by no means 
the most important planet in the system, there is no reason to 
Bupposo that it is particularly distinguished from the others 
by being inhabited. It is reasonable, therefore, to conclude, 
that all the other planets of the system are filled with living, 
moving and sentient beings ; and as some of them are su- 
perior to tlie Earth in size and position, it is not improbable 
that their inhabitants may be superior to us in physical and 
mental organization. 

But if tliis were a demonstrable fact, instead of a mere 
hypothesis, it would be found a very difficult matter to per- 
suade us of its truth. To the inhabitants of Venus, the 
Earth appears like a brilliant star, very much, in fact, as 
Venus appears to us; and, reasoning from analogy, we are 
led to believe that the election of Mr. Pierce, the European 
war, or the split in the great Democratic party produced but 
very little excitement among them. 

To the inhabitants of Jupiter, our important globe ap- 
pears like a small star of the fourth or fifth magnitude. Wo 
recollect some years ago gazing with astonishment upon the 
inhabitants of a drop of water, developed by the Solar Micro- 
scope, and secretly wondering whether they were or not rea- 
soning beings, with souls to be saved. It is not altogether a 
pleasant reflection that a highly scientific inhabitant of 
Jupiter, armed with a telescope of (to us) inconceivable 
form, may be pursuing a similar course of inquiry, and in- 
dulging in similar speculations regarding our Earth and its 



02 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 

inhabitants. Gazing with curious eye, his attention is sud 
denly attracted by the movements of a grand celebration of 
Fourth of July in New York, or a mighty convention in 
Baltimore. "God bless my soul," he exclaims, " I declare 
iliey'rc alive, these little creatures, do see them wriggle ! " 
To au inhabitant of tlic Suu, however, he of Jupiter is 
probably quite as insignificant, and the Sun man is possibly 
a mere atom in the opinion of a dweller in Sirius. A little 
relleetion on these subjects leads to the opinion, that the 
death of an individual man on this Earth, though perhaps 
as important au event as can occur to himself, is calculated 
to cause no great convulsion of Nature or disturb particularly 
the great aggregate of created beings. 

The Earth moves round the sun from west to east in a 
year, and turns on its axis in a day ; thus moving at the 
rate of 08,000 miles an hour in its orbit, and rolling around 
at the tolerably rapid rate of 1,040 miles per hour. As our 
readers may have seen that when a man is galloping a horse 
violently over a smooth road, if the horse from viciousness 
or other cause suddenly stops, the man keeps on at the 
same rate over the animal's head; so we, sui:)pGsing the 
Earth to be suddenly arrested on its axis, men, women 
children, horses, cattle and sheep, donkeys, editors and mem- 
bers of Congress, with all oar goods and chattels, would be 
thrown off into the air »t a speed of 173 miles a minute, 
every mother's son of us describing the arc of a parabola 
which is probably the only description we should ever be 
able to o-ivrf^ of the affair. 



LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. G3 

This catastrophe, to one suflSciently collected to enjoy it, 
would, doubtless, be exceedingly amusing ; but as there would 
probably be no time for laughing, we pray that it may not 
occur until after our demise ; when, should it take place, our 
monument will probably accompany the movement. It is a 
singular fact, tliat if a man travel round the Earth in an east- 
wardly direction, he will find, on returning to the place of 
departure, he has gained one whole day ; the reverse of this 
proposition being true also, it follows tliat the Yankees, who 
are constantly travelling to the West, do not live as long by a 
day or two as they would if they had staid at home ; and sup- 
posing each Yankee's time to be worth $1.50 per day, it may 
be easily shown that a considerable amount of money is an- 
nually lost by their roving dispositions. 

Science is yet but in its infancy; with its growth, new 
discoveries of an astounding nature wJU doubtless be made 
among which, probably, will be some method by which the 
course of the Earth may be altered and it be steered with the 
same ease and regularity through space and among the stars, 
as a steamboat is now directed through the water. It will 
be a very interesting spectacle to see the Earth " rounding 
to," with her head to the air, off Jupiter, while the Moon ia 
sent off laden with mails and passengers for that planet, to 
bring back the return mails and a large party of rowdy Jupi- 
terians going to attend a grand prize fight in the ring of 
Saturn. 

Well, Christopher Columbus would have been just as 
much astonished at a revelation of the steamboat, and the lo- 



64 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 

comotive engine, as we should Ibe to witness tlie above per 
formance, wliicli our intelligent posterity during the ensuing 
year, A. D. 2,000, will possibly look upon as a very ordinary 
and common-place affair. 

Only three days ago we asked a medium, where Sir John 
Franklin was at that time ; to which he replied, he was cruis- 
ing about (officers and crew all well) on the interior of the 
Earth, to which he had obtained entrance through Symmes' 
Hole ! 

With a few remarks upon the Earth's Satellite, we con- 
clude the first Lecture on Astronomy; the remainder of the 
course being contained in a second Lecture, treating of the 
planets, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn and Neptune, the Asteroids, 
and the fixed stars, which last, being " fixings," are, accord- 
ing to Mr. Charles Dickens, American property. 

THE MOON. 

This resplendent luminary, like a youth on the 4th of 
July, has its first quarter ; like a ruined spendthrift its last 
quarter , and like an omnibus, is occasionally full and new. 
The evenings on which it appears between these last stages 
are beautifully illumined by its clear, mellow light. 

The Moon revolves in an elliptical orbit about the Earth 
in twenty-nine days twelve hours forty-four minutes and three 
seconds, the time which elapses between one new Moon and 
another. It was supposed by the ancient philosophers that 
the Moon was made of green cheese, an opinion still enter- 
tained by the credulous and ignorant. Kepler and Tyco 
Brahe, however, held to the opinion that it was composed of 



LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 65 

Charlotte Ejisse, the dark portions of its surface being sponge 
cake, the light hlanc onange. Modern advances in science 
and the use of Lord Rosse's famous telescope, have demon- 
strated the absurdity of all these speculations by proving con- 
clusively that the Moon is mainly composed of the Ferro — 
sesqui — ajanitret, of the cyanide of potassium / Up to the 
latest dates from the Atlantic States, no one has succeeded in 
reaching the Moon. Should any one do so hereafter, it will 
probably be a woman, as the sex will never cease making an 
exertion for that purpose as long as there is a man in it. 

Upon the whole, we may consider the Moon an excellent 
institution, among Ihe many we enjoy under a free, republican 
form of government, and it is a blessed thing to reflect that 
the President of the United States amnotveto it, no matter how 
strong an inclination he may feel, from principle or habit, to do so. 

It has been ascertained beyond a doubt that the Moon has 
no air. Consequently, the common expressions, " the Moon 
was gazing down with an air of benevolence," or with " an 
air of complacency," or with " an air of calm superiority,^' are 
incorrect and objectionable, the fact being that the Moon has 
no air at all. 

The existence of the celebrated " Man in the Moon " has 
been frequently questioned by modern philosophers. The 
whole subject is involved in doubt and obscurity. The only 
authority we have for believing that such an individual ex- 
ists, and has been seen and spoken with, is a fragment of an 
old poem composed by an ancient Astronomer of the name of 
Goose, which has been handed down to us as follows : 



66 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 

" The man in the Moon, came do-vvn too soon 
To inquire the way to Norwich ; 
The man in the South, he burned his mouth, 
Eating cold, hot porridge." 

The evidence conveyed in this distich is however rejected 
by the sceptical, among modern Astronomers, who consider 
the passage an allegory. " The man in the South," being 
supposed typical of the late John C. Calhoun, and the " cold, 
hot porridge," alluded to the project of nullification. 

END or LEOTUEE FIKST. 



ISToTE BY THE AuTHorv. — Itinerant Lecturers are cautioned 
figainst making use of the above production, without obtaining 
the necessary authority from the proprietors of the Pioneer Mag- 
azine. To those who may obtain such authority, it may be well 
to state, that at the close of the Lecture it was the intention of 
the author to exhibit and explain to the audience an orrery, ac- 
companying and interspersing his remarks by a choice selection 
of popuLir airs on the hand-organ. 

An economical orrery may be constructed by attaching 
eighteen wires of graduated lengths to the shaft of a candlestick, 
apples of different sizes being placed at their extremities to repre- 
sent the Planets, and a central orange resting on the candlestick, 
representing the Sun. 

An orrery of this description is however liable to the objec- 
tion, that if handed around among the audience for examination, 
it is seldom returned uninjured. The author has known an in- 
stance in which a child four years of age, on an occasion of this 
kind, devoured in succession the planets Jupiter and Ilerschel, 
uud bit a large spot out of the Sun before he could bo arrested. • 

J. P. 



PISTOL SHOOTma— A COUNTER 
CHALLENGE. 

San Diego, Cal., Sept. 1, 1S54. 

I corY the following paragraph from the Spirit of the 
Times, for July 15th : 

" riSTOL SnOOTING-A CHALLENGE. 

Owing to the frequent and nrgent solicitations of many of my 
friends, I am induced to make the following propositions: 

1. I will fit a dollar to the end of a twig two inches long, and 
■while a second person will hold the other end in his mouth, so 
as to bring the coin within an inch and a half of his face, I en- 
gage to strike the dollar, three times out of five, at the distance 
of ten paces, or thirty feet. I will add in explanation, tnat 
there are several persons willing and ready to hold the twig or 
stick described above, when required. 

2. 1 will hit a dollar, tossed in the air, or any other object of 
the same size, three times out of five on a lolieel and fire. 

3. At the word, I will split three balls out of five, on a knife 
blade, placed at the distance of thirty feet. 

4. I will hit three birds out of five, sprung from the trap, 
standing thirty feet from the trap when shooting. 

5. I will break, at the word,, five common clay pipe stems out 
of seven, at the distance of thirty feet. 



68 PISTOL SHOOTING A COUNTER CHALLENGE. 

6. I engage to prove, by fair trial, that no pistol-shot can be 
produced wiio will shoot an apple off a man's head, at the dis- 
tance of thirty feet, oftener than I can. Moreover I will produce 
two persons willing and ready to hold the apple on their heads 
for me, when required to do so, 

7. 1 will wager, lastly, that no person in the United States 
can he produced who will hit a quarter of a dollar at the distance 
of thirty feet, oftener than I can, on a wheel and fire. 

I am willing to bet $5,000 on any of the above propositions, 
one fourth of that amount forfeit. So soon as any bet will be 
closed, the money shall be deposited in the Bank of the State of 
Missouri, until paid overby the judges, or withdrawn, less forfeit. 
i will give the best and most satisfactory references that my share 
will be forthcoming Avhen any of my propositions are taken up. 
Any one desiring to take up any of my propositions must ad- 
dress me by letter, through the St. Louis Post Office, as the ad- 
vertisements or notices of newspapers might not meet my eye. 
Propositions will be received until the first of September next. 

Edmund W. Paul, 

140 Sixth Street, between Franklin Avenue and 
Morgan Street, St. Louis, Missouri. 

1 am unable to see any thing very extraordinary in the 
above propositions, by Mr. Edmund W. Paul. Any person, 
acquainted with the merest rudiments of the pistol, could 
certainly execute any or all of the proposed feats without the 
slightest difficulty. 

" Owing " to my entertaining these opinions, " without 
solicitation from friends, and unbiassed by unworthy mo- 
tives," I am induced to make the following propositions : — 

1. I will suspend two dollars by a ring from a second 
person's nose, so as to bring the coins within three fourths 
of an inch from his face, and with a double barrelled shot- 



PISTOL SHOOTING ^A COUNTER CHALLENGE. 69 

gun, at a distance of thirty feet, will blow dollars, nose and 
man at least thirty feet further, four times out of five. I 
will add, in explanation, that, San Diego containing a rather 
intelligent community, I can find, at present, no one here 
willing or ready to have his nose blown in this manner; 
but I have no manner of doubt I could obtain such a 
person from St. Louis, by Adams &. Co.'s Express, in due 
season. 

2. I will hit a dollar, or any thing else that has been 
tossed in the air (of the same size), on a wheel, on a pole or 
axletree, or on the ground, every time out of five. 

3. At the word, I will place five balls on the blade of 
a penknife, and split them all I 

4. I will hit three men out of five, sprung from obscure 
parentage, and stand within ten feet of a steel-trap (properly 
set) while shooting! 

5. I will break at the word, a whole box of common clay 
pipes, with a single brick, at a distance of thirty feet. 

6. I engage to prove by a fair trial, that no pistol-shot 
(or other person) can be produced, who will throw more 
apples at a man's head than I can. Moreover, I can produce 
in this town more than sixty persons willing and ready to 
hold an apple on their heads for me, provided they are al- 
lowed to eat the apple subsequently. 

7. I will wager, lastly, that no person in the United 
States can be produced, who, with a double barrelled shot- 
gun, while throwing a back-handed summerset, can hit 



70 PISTOL SHOOTING — ^A COUNTER CHALLENGE. 

oftcner, a dollar and a lialf, on tlie perimeter of a revolving 
wlieel, in rapid motion^ than I can. 

Any one desiring to take up any of my propositions, will 
address me through the columns of The Pioneer Blagazine. 
Propositions will be received on the first of April next. 

JOHN PHOENIX. 

13S4 Seventeenth Street, Yallecitos. 
" Se compra oro aqui, up stairs." 

P. S. Satisfactory references given and required. A 
bet from a steady, industrious person, who will be apt to pay 
if he loses, will meet with prompt attention. J. P. 



ANTIDOTE FOR FLEAS. 



The following recipe from the writings of Miss Hannah 
More, may be found useful to your readers : 

In a climate where the attacks of fleas are a constant 
source of annoyance, any method Avhich will alleviate them 
becomes a desideratum. It is, therefore, with pleasure I 
make known the following recipe, which I am assured hag 
been tried with efficacy. 

Boil a quart of tar until it becomes quite thin. Remove 
the clothing, and before the tar becomes perfectly cool, with 
a broad flat brush, apply a thin, smooth coating to the entire 
surface of the body and limbs. "While the tar remains soft, 
the flea becomes entangled in its tenacious folds, and is 
rendered perfectly harmless ; but it will soon form a hard, 
smooth coating, entirely impervious to his bite. Should the 
coating crack at the knee or elbow joints, it is merely neces- 
sary to retouch it slightly at those places. The whole coat 
should be renewed every three or four weeks. This remedy 



72 ANTIDOTE FOR FLEAS. 

is sure, and liaving tlie advantage of simplicity and economy, 
should be generally known. 

So much for Miss More. A still simpler method of pre- 
venting the attacks of these little pests, is one which I have 
lately discovered myself; — in theory only — I have not yet 
put it into practice. On feeling the bite of a flea, thrust the 
part bitten immediately into boiling water. The heat of the 
water destroys the insect and instantly removes the pain of 
the bite. 

You have probably heard of old Parry Dox. I met him 
here a few days since, in a sadly seedy condition. He told 
me that he was still extravagantly fond of whisky, though he 
was constantly "running it down." I in(][uired after his 
wife. " She is dead, poor creature," said he, " and is probably 
far better off than ever she was here. She was a seamstress, 
and her greatest enjoyment of happiness in this world was 
only so, /60." 



PHCENIX AT THE MISSION DOLOKES. 

Mission of Dolores, 15th January, 1S55. 

It "was my intention to furnisli you, this month, with an 
elaborate article on a deeply interesting subject, but a serious 
domestic calamity has prevented. I allude to the . loss of 
my stove-pipe, in the terrific gale of the 31st December. 

There are few residents of this city whose business or 
inclination has called them to the Mission of Dolores, that 
have not seen and admired that stove-pipe. Rising above 
the kitchen chimney to the noble altitude of nearly twelve 
feet, it pointed to a better world, and was pleasantly sugges- 
tive of hot cakes for breakfast. From the window of my 
back porch, I have gazed for hours upon that noble structure ; 
and watching its rotary cap, shifting with every breeze, and 
pouring forth clouds of gas and vapor, I have mused on poli- 
tics, and fancied myself a Politician. It was an accomplished 
Blove-pipe. The melody accompanying its movements, in- 
aptly termed creaking by the soulless, gave evidence of its 
4 



74 PHCENIX AT THE MISSION DOLORES. 

taste for Music, and its proficiency in Drawing was tlio 
wonder and deliglit of our family circle. It had no bad 
habits — it did not even smoke. 

I fondly hoped to enjoy its society for years, but one by 
one our dearest treasures are snatched from us : the soot fell, 
and the stove-pipe has followed soot. On the night of the 
3 1st of Dec, a gale arose, perfectly unexampled in its ter- 
rific violence. Houses shook as with tertian ague, trees were 
uprooted, roofs blown off, and ships foundered at the docks. 
A stove-pipe is not a pyramid — what resistance could mine 
oppose to such a storm ? One by one its protecting wires 
were severed ; and as it bowed its devoted head to the fury 
of the blast, shrieks of more than mortal agony attested the 
desperate nature of its situation. At length the Storm 
Spirit 'fell upon the feeble and reeling structure in its wrath, 
and whirling it madly in the air with resistless force, break- 
ing several tenpenny nails, and loosening many of the upper 
bricks of the chimney, dashed it down to earth. But why 
harrow up the feelings of your readers by a continuation of 
the distressing narrative. The suffering that we have en- 
dured, the tears that have been shed since this loss will be 
understood, and commiserated, when I add — the next morn- 
ing the kitchen chimney smoked, and has been doing it in* 
termittently ever since ! 

Since my last, scarcely a gleam of fun has come to illu^- 
mine the usual dull monotony of the Mission of Dolores, — ■ 

*' The days have been dark and dreary 
It rains, and the wind is never weary." 



PKCENIX AT THE MISSION DOLORES. 75 

A little occurrence at the toll-gate, the other day, is worthy 
of notice, perhaps, as betokening " the good time a-coming." 
A well-known gentleman of your city, who frequently drives 
forth on the Plank Koad, perched on one of those little gigs 
that somebody compares to a tea-tray on wheels, with the 
reins hanging down behind, like unfastened suspenders, in an 
absent frame of mind, drove slowly past the Rubicon without 
bifurcating the customary half-dollar. Out rushed the en- 
thusiastic toll-gatherers, shouting, " Toll, sir, toll ! you've 
forgot the toll ! " " Oh ! don't bother me, gentlemen," re- 
plied the absent one, in a lachrymose tone, and with a most 
woful expression, ^Tm an orphan hoyl^^ This appeal to 
the sympathies ' of the toll-men was effective; their hearts 
were touched, and the orphan went on his way rejoicing. 

It is amusing to observe the shifts a maker of Poetry will 
resort to, when compelled to make use of an irrelevant sub- 
ject to eke out his rhyme to convince himself and his readers 
that the faux pas was quite intentional, the result of study, 
and should be admired rather than criticised. In a poem 
called " Al Aaraaf," by Edgar A. Poe, who, when living, 
thought himself, in all seriousness, the only living original 
Poet, and that all other manufacturers of Poetry were mere 
copyists, continually infringing on his patent — occurs the fol- 
lowing passage, in which may be found a singular instance of 
thje kind alluded to : 

" Ligeia ! Ligeia ! 
My beautiful one ! 
"Whose harshest idea 
Will to melody run ; 



76 THCENIX AT THE MISSION DOLORES. 

Oil is it tlij will, 
"^ On tlie breezes to toss ; 
Or capriciously still, 
Like the lone Albatross, 
Incumbent on Niglit, 
(As she on the air), 
To keep -watch with delight 
On the harmony there ? " 

Observe that note : " The Albatross is said io sleep on 
the iving.''^ Who said so? I should like to know. Buffon 
didn't mention it ; neither does Audubon. Coleridge, who 
made the habits of that rare bird a study, never found it out ; 
and the undersigned, who has gazied on many Albatrosses, 
and had much discourse with ancient mariners concerning 
them, never suspected the circumstance, or heard it elsewhere 
remarked upon. 

I am inclined to believe that it never occurred to Mr. 
Poe, until having become embarrassed by that unfortunate 
word " toss," he was obliged to bring in either a hoss, or an 
albatross ; and preferring the bird as the more poetical, in- 
vented the extraordinary fact to explain his appearance. 

The above lines, I am told, have been much admired ; bu^ 
if they are true poetry, so are the following : 

Highflier! Highflier! 

IMy long-legged one ! 

Whose mildest idea 

Is to kick up and run : 

Oh, is it thy will 

Thy switch-tail to toss ; 

Or caper viciously still, 

Like an old sorrel horse, [pron. " 7«355,"] 



rHa2NIX AT THE MISSION DOLORES. 7? 

Incumbent on thee, 
As on him, to rear, Ipron. " mre,"] 
And thoufijh sprung in the knee, 
"With thy heels in the air ? ■ 

A note for me, and the man waiting for an answer, said ye ? 
Now, by the shade of Shadrach, and the chimney of Nebu- 
chadnezzar's fiery furnace ! 'tis the bill for the new chimney ! 
Bills, bills, bills ! How can a man name his child William ? 
The horrid idea of the partner of his joys, and sorrows, pre- 
senting him with a Bill ! — and to have that Bill continually 
in the house — constantly running up and down stairs — al- 
ways unsettled, — Distraction's in the thought ! Tell that 
man, Bridget, I'm sick; and, lucky thought, say it's the 
smallpox ; and ask him to call again when I've got better, 

and gone to San Diego for my health. He's gone. I see 

him from a hole in the window curtain, flying off in a zig- 
zag direction, and looking back timorously, like a jacksnipe, 
with his long bill. I shall write no more; like that bill, T 
feel unsettled. Adieu 1 



SQUIBOB IN BEI^ICIA. 

r>KNiriA, October 1st, 1S50. 

Lhaving the metropolis last eveuijig by the griuluallj-m- 
evoasiiig-iii-popularity steamer, " West roiut," I ' skeetcd ' up 
Tablo Bay with the intent ion of spending a. few days at tho 
world-reuownod seaport of Benicia. Onr Captain (a very 
pleasant and gentlemanly little fellow by the way) was named 
iSwift, our passengers were emphatically a fast set, the wind 
blew like well-watered rose bushes, and the tide was strong 
in our favor. All these cireunistanees tended to impress mo 
with the idea, that wo were to make a wonderfully quick 
passage, but alas, " the race ib not always to the Swift," the 
" Senator ■' passed us ten miles from the wharf, and it was nine 
oV'loek and very dark at that, when we were roped in by tho 
side of the " ancient and tishlike " smelling hulk that forms 
the broad wharf of Benieia. As I shouldered my carpet bag, 
and stepped upon the wharf among the dense crowd of four 
individuals that were there assembled, and gazing upon tho 



SQTJIBOB IN BENICIA. 79 

mighty city wliose glimmering lights, feebly diacerriibie through 
the Beuician darkness, extended over an area of five acres, an 
overpowering sense of the grandeur and majesty of the great 
rival of San Francisco, affected me. — I felt my own extreme 
insignificance, and was fain to lean upon a pile of water mel- 
ons for support. " Boy ! " said I, addressing an intelligent speci- 
men of humanity who formed an integral portion of the above 
mentioned crowd, " Boy ! can you direct me to the best hotel 
in this city ? " — " Aint but one," responded the youth, " Winn 
keeps it ; right up the hill thar." Decidedly, thought I, I will go 
in to Winn, and reshouldering my carpet bag, I blundered down 
the ladder, upon a plank foot-path leading over an extensive 
morass in the direction indicated, not noticing, in my abstrac- 
tion, that I had inadvertently retained within my grasp tho 
melon upon which my hand had rested " Saw yer /" resounded 
from the wharf as I retired — " Savj yer I " repeated several in- 
dividuals upon the foot-path. For an instant my heart beat 
with violence at the idea of being seen accidentally appropri- 
ating so contemptible an affair as a water-melon ; but hearing 
a man with a small white hat, and large white moustache, 
shout "hello ! " and immediately rush with frantic violence up 
the ladder, I comprehended that Sawyer was his proper name, 
and by no means alluded to rac or my proceedings ; so slip- 
ping the melon in my carpet bag, I tranquilly resumed my 
journey. A short walk brought me to the portal of the best 
and only hotel in the city, a large two-story buildiDg digni- 
fied by the title of the " Solano Hotel," where I was graciously 
feceived by mine host, who welcomed me to Benicia in the 



80 SQUIBOB IN r»ENICTA. 

most iri)inin<j mauuor. After {?liglitly relVosliiiig my iimei 
man wltli a foeblo stimulant, and iindorooino- an introductioD 
totluMiUlcst inhabitant, 1 oahnlv soalod niysolfin tlio bar-room^ 
and I'ontompbited Avitli intense interest the progress of a gamo 
of billiards between two enterprising eitizens; but finding after 
a hipse of two hours, that there Avas no earthly probability of its 
ever being ein\eluded, 1 seized a eandlestiek and retired to my 
room. Here 1 disenssed my melon -Nvith intense relish, and 
then seeking my eoueh, essayed to sleep. — But, oh ! the fleas I 
skipping, hoj^ping, erawling, biting ! '' Won't some one estab- 
lish an ageney for the sale of P. L. Charles vS. Go's. Flea 
bane, in Benieia?" I agonizingly shouted, and ceho answered 
through the reverberating halls of the *' Solano Hotel," '' Yes, 
they won't ! '' AVhat a night 1 But every thing must have an 
end (eireles and California gold exeepted), and day at last 
broke over Benieia. jMagnilieent plaee ! I gazed upon it 
from the at tie window of the '' Solano Hotel," with feelings 
too deep for utteranee. The sun was rising in its majesty> 
gilding the red wood shingles of the U. S. Storehouses in the 
dlstanee; seven deserted hulks were riding majestieally at 
anehor in the bviy ; elothes-lines, with their burdens, were 
tlappiug in the morning breeze ; a man with a wheelbarrow 
was eoming down the street ! — Every thing, in short, spoke of 
the life, aetivity. business, and bustle of a great eity. But m 
the midst of the exeitement of this seene, an odoriferous 
smell of beef-steak eame, like a holy calm, aeross my olfaeto- 
ries, and hastily drawing in my cahe^ayl deseended to break- 
tast. This operation eoneluded, I took a stroll in company 



BQUIBOB IN BENICIA. 81 

with the oldest inhabitant, from whom I obtained much Tal- 
uablo information (which I hasten to present), and who 
cheerfully volunteered to accompany me as a guide, to the 
lions of the city. There are no less than forty-two wooden 
houses, many of them two stories in height, in this great 
place — and nearly twelve hundred inhabitants, men, women 
and children I There are six grocery, provision, dry goods, 
auction, commission, and where-you-can-get-almost-any-little- 
thing-you-warit-stores, one hotel, one school-house — v/hich is 
also a brevet church — three billiard tables, a post-office — from 
v.hich I actually Kaw a man get a letter — and a ten-pin-alley, 
where I am told a man once rolled a v/hole game, paid $1.50 
for it, and walked off chuckling. — Then there is a " monte 
bank " — a Common Council, and a Mayor, whom my guide 
informed me, was called " C'ar/i^;;," from a singular habit he 
has of eating roast beef for dinner. — But there isn't a tree 
in all Benicia. " There was one," said the guide, " last year 
— only four miles from here, but they chopped it down for 
firewood for the ' post.' Alas ! why didn't the woodman spare 
that tree?" The dwelling of one individual pleased me in- 
describably — he had painted it a vivid green ! Imaginative 
being. He had evidently tried to fancy it a tree, and in the 
enjoyment of this sv/eet illusion, had reclined beneath its 
grateful shade, secured from the rays of the burning sun, and 
in the full enjoyment of rural felicity even among the crowded 
streets of this great metropolis. How pretty is the map of 
Benicia I AVe went to see that, Uyj. It's all laid ofif in 
squares and streets, for ever so far, and you can see the pegs 



82 SQriBOB IN BENICIA. 

stuck in tlie ground at every corner, only tliey are not exact* 
ly in a line, sometimes ; and there is Aspinwall's wharf, where 
they are building a steamer of iron, that looks like a large pan, 
and Semple Slip, all divided on the map by lines and dots, into 
little lots, of incredible value; but just now they are all under 
water, so no one can tell what they are actually worth. Oh ! 
decidedly Benicia is a great place. " And how much, my dear 
sir," I modestly inquired of the gentlemanly recorder who 
displayed the map ; " how much may this lot be worth ? " and 
T pointed with my finger at lot No. 97, block 16,496 — situa- 
ted as per map, in the very centre of the swamp. " That, sir," 
replied he with much suavity, " ah ! it would be held at about 
three thousand dollars, I suppose."— I shuddered — and re- 
tired. The history of Benicia is singular. The origin of its 
name as related by the oldest inhabitant is remarkable. I put 
it right down in my note-book as he spoke, and believe it 
religiously, every word. " Many years ago," said that aged 
man, " this property was owned by two gentlemen, one of 
whom, from the extreme candor and ingenuousness of his 
character, we will call Simple ; the other being distinguished 
for waggery, and a disposition for practical joking, I shall 
call, as in fact he was familiarly termed in those days — Lar- 
kin. While w^alking over these grounds in company, on one 
occasion, and being naturally struck by its natural advanta* 
ges, said Simple to Larkin, ' Why not make a city here, my 
boy ? have it surveyed into squares, bring up ships, build 
houses, make it a port of entry, establish depots, sell lots, and 
knock the centre out of Yerba Buena straight.' (Yerba 



SQUIBOB IN BENICIA 83 

Buena is now San Francisco, reader.) * Ah ! ' quoth Larkiu with 
a pleasant grin diffusing itself over his agreeable countenance 
' that would be nice, hej ? ' " Need we say that the plan was 
adopted — carried out — proved successful— and Larkin's me- 
morable remark " he nice, hey,'''' being adopted as the name of the 
growing city, gradually became altered and vulgarized into its 
present form Benicia ! A curious history this, which would 
have delighted Home >Took beyond measure. Having visited 
the Masonic Hall, which is really a large and beautiful build- 
ing, reflecting credit alike on the Architect and the fraternity) 
being by far the best and most convenient hall in the coun- 
try, I returned to the Solano Hotel, where I was accosted 
by a gentlaman in a blue coat with many buttons, and a san- 
guinary streak down the leg of his trowsers, whom I almost 
immediately recognized as my old friend. Captain G-eorge P. 
Jambs, of the U. S. Artillery, a thorough-going adohe, as the 
Spaniard has it, and a member in high and regular standing 
of the Dumfudgin Club. He lives in a delightful little cot- 
tage, about a quarter of a mile from the centre of the city — 
being on duty at the Post — which is some mile, mile and 
a half or two miles from that metropolis — and pressed me so 
earnestly to partake of his hospitality during my short sojourn, 
that I was at last fain to pack up my property, including the 
remains of the abstracted melon, and in spite of the blandish- 
ments of my kind host of the Solano, accompany him to his 
domicile, which he very appropriately names "Mischief Halh" 
So here I am installed for a few days, at the expiration of 
which I shall make a rambling excursion to Sonoma, Napa 



SI SQtnBOB IN BENICIA. 

and the liko, ami from -vvliciicc porlinps you may hear from 
ine. As I set here lookhig from my airy ehamber, upon tho 
erowds of two or three persons, thronging the streets of tho 
great city ; as I gaze upon that man carrying home a pound 
and a half of fresh beef for his dinner; as I listen to the bell of 
the Mary (a Napa steam packet of four cat po^yer) ringing for 
departure, while her captain in a hoarse voice of authority, re- 
quests the passengers to '' step over the other side, as the lar- 
board paddle-box is mider water;" as I view all these unmis- 
takable signs of the growth and prosperity of Bcnicia, I can- 
not but wonder at the infatuation of the people of your vil- 
lage, who will persist in their absurd belief that San Fran- 
cisco will become a p/acf?, and do not hesitate to advance tho 
imbecile idea that it may become a successful rival of this 
city. Nonsense ! — Oh Lord ! at this instant there passed by 
my window the — prettiest — little — I can't write any more 
this week; if this takes, I'll try it again. 
Yours for ever 

SQUIBOB. 



SQUIBOB IN SONOMA. 

Sonoma, October 10, 1850. 

I ARRIVED at this place some days since, but have been 
so entirely occupied during the interval, in racing over the 
adjacent hills in pursuit of unhappy partridges, wandering 
aloijg the banks of the beautiful creek, whipping its tranquil 
surface for speckled trout, or crammiDg myself with grapea 
at the vineyard, that I have not, until this moment, found 
time to fulfil my promise of a continuation of my travelliDg 
adventures. I left Benicia with satisfaction. Ungrateful 
people I had expected, after the very handsome mannor in 
which I had spoken of their city ; the glowing descriptr.on of 
its magnitude, prosperity and resources that I had given, the 
consequent rise in property that had taken place ; the mani- 
fest effect that my letter would produce upon the action ol 
Congress in making Benicia a port of entry ; in view of al! 
these circumstances I had, indeed, expected some trifling 
compliment — a public dinner, possibly, or peradventure a deli- 
cate present of a lot or two — the deeds inclosed in a neat and 



86 SQUIBOB IN SONOMA. 

appropriate letter from tlie Town Council. But no ! — the 
name of Squibob remains unhonorecl and unsung, and, what is 
far worse, unrecorded and untaxed in magnificent Benicla. 
" How sharper than a serpent's thanks it is to have a toothless 
child," as Pope beautifully remarks in his Paradise Lost. 
One individual characterized my letter as "a d — d burlesque." 
T pity that person, and forgive him. 

For the last few days of my stay in Benicia, that city 
was in a perfect whirl of excitement. The election was 
rapidly approaching, and Herr Bossiter was exhibiting feats 
of legerdemain at the California House. Individuals were 
rushing about the streets proffering election tickets of all 
shapes and sizes, and tickets for the exhibition were on sale 
at all the principal hotels. One man conjured you to take a 
ticket, while another asked you to take a ticket to see the 
man conjured, so that what, with the wire-pulling by day, 
and the slack wire performance by night, you stood an excel- 
lent chance for getting slightly bewildered. Public meetings 
v/cre held, whci'c multitudes of fifty excited individuals sur- 
rounded the steps of the " El Dorado," listening with breath- 
less interest to a speech in favor of M^Baniels, and abusive to 
Bradford, or in favor of somebodji^llBe and everlastingly con- 
demnatory of both. Election meetings, any where, are al- 
ways excityig and interesting spectacles, but the moral effect 
produced by the last which I attended in Benicia, when (after 
some little creature named Frisbie had made a speech, declar- 
ing his readiness to wrap himself in the Star-spangled Ban- 
ner, fire off a pistol, and die like a son of Liberty, for 



SQUIBOB IN SONOMA. 87 

tho Union) Dr. Simple slowly unfolded himself to 
his utmost height, and with one hand resting upon the 
chimney of the " El Dorado," and the other holding his 
serape up to Heaven, denounced such sentiments, and declar- 
ing that California had made him, and he should go his 
length for California, right or wrong, union or disunion. 
The moral eifect, I say, produced, was something more than 
exciting ; it was sublime ; it was tremendous ! " That's a 
right-down good speech," said my fair companion; " hut my 1 
how the General gave it to him ! didn't he, Mr. Squibob ? " 
" He did so," said I. The candidates were all Democrats, I 
believe, and all but one entertained the same political senti- 
ijients. This gentleman (a candidate for the Senate), how- 
everj in the elucidation of his political principles, declared 
that he " went in altogether for John C. Calhoun, and 
nothing shorter." Now I'm no politician, and have no wish 
to engage in a controversy on the subject ; but, God forgive 
me if T am in error, I thought Calhoun had been dead for 
gome months. Well, I suppose some one is elected by this 
time, and the waves of political excitement have become 
calm, but Benicia was a stormy place during the election, I 
assure you. I succeeded ilr borrowing one dollar at ten per 
cent, a month (with security on a corner lot in Kearney 
street, San Francisco), purchased a ticket, and went to see 
Herr Rossiter. Gracious ! how he balanced tobacco pipes, 
and tossed knives in the air, and jumped on a wire, and sat 
down on it, and rolled over it, and made it swing to and fro 
while he threw little brass balls from one hand to the other 



88 



SQUIBOB IN SONOMA. 



The applause was tremendous, and when, after a solo by the 
orchestra (^Yllich consisted of one seedy violin, played by an 
individual in such a state of hopeless inebriation that hia 
very fiddle seemed to hiccough), he threw a back-handed sum- 
merset, and fiiUing in a graceful attitude, informed the audi- 
ence that " he should appear again to-morrow evening with a 
change of performance." Wc enthusiastically cheered, and 
my friend, the man in the red vest, who had sat during the 
whole evening in a state of rapt admiration, observed with a 
profound ejaculation, " that it went ahead of any thing ho 
had ever seen in his life, except the Falls of Niagara I " I 
made many friends in Benicia. I don't like the place much, 
but I do like the people ; and among my acquaintances, from 
Dr. Simple to my fi^iend Mr. Sawyer, which two gentlemen 
may be termed the long and short of the place ; — I have 
never met with more kindness, more genuine hospitality than 
from the gentlemen of Benicia. The ladies arc pretty, too ; 
but, to use an entirely original metaphor, which, I presume, 
none of your readers ever heard before or will hear again : 
they are " like angels' visits, few and far between." There 
isn't a more moral place on the face of the earth than 
Benicia. Ephcsus, where the stupid people, a few yeara 
since, used to worship Diana, wasn't a circumstance to it. 

Sonoma is twelve miles from Napa, and is — but I shall 
defer my description until next week, for I have scarcely 
made up my mind with regard to it, and my waning paper 
warns me I have said enough at present. Yours for ever. 



SQUIBOB m SAN FEANCISCO. 

October 15tli, 1S50. 

Time ! At tlie word Squibob comes cheerfully up to the 
scratch, and gracefully Bmiling upon his friends and sup 
porters, lets fly his one, two, as follows ; — 

Sonoma is a nice place. As my Sabbath school in- 
structor (peace to his memory) used to add, by way of a 
clincher to his dictum — Piety is the foundation of all Re- 
ligion — " thar can't be no doubt on't." Situated in the 
midst of the delightful and fertile valley which bears its name, 
within three miles of the beautiful creek upon whose " sil 
very tide, where whilom sported the tule boats of the un 
pleasant Indians, the magnificent (ly little) steamer Georgina 
now puffs and wheezes tri-weekly from San Fransicso ; en- 
joying an unvaryingly salubrious climate, neither too warm 
nor too cold. With little wind, few fleas, and a sky of that 
peculiarly blue description, that Fremont terms the Italian, 
it may well be called, as by the sentimentally struck travel- 
ling snob it frequently is, the Garden of California. I re- 



90 SQUIBOB IN SAN FRANCISCO. 

mained there ten whole days — somewhat of a marvel for so 
determined a gad-about as myself — and don't remember of 
ever passing ten days more pleasantly. It is useless for me 
to occupy time, and trespass upon your patience by a lengthy 
description of Sonoma. If any of your readers would know 
the exact number of houses it contains, the names of the 
people who dwell therein, the botanical applications of the 
plants growing in its vicinity, or any thing else about it that 
would be of any mortal use to any one, without being posi- 
tively amusing, let them purchase Eevere, or some other 
equally scientific work on California, and inform themselves; 
suffice it to say that there is delightful society, beautiful 
women, brave men, and most luscious grapes to be found 
there ; and the best thing one can possibly do, if a tired and 
ennuyeed resident of San Francisco, Benicia, or any other 
great city of all work and no play, is to take the Georgina 
some pleasant afternoon and go up there for a change. He'll 
find it ! General Smith and his staff reside at Sonoma, and 
a small detachment of troops have their station and quarters 
there. I saw a trooper in the street one day; he wore a 
coat with a singularly brief tail, and a nose of a remarkably 
vivid tinge of redness. I thought he might have just returned 
from the expedition, for his limbs were evidently weakened 
by toil and privation, and his course along the street slow in 
movement and serpentine in direction. I would have asked 
him to proceed to the Sink of Mary's River, and recover an 
odd boot that I left there last fall, but he looked scarcely fit 
to make the journey. I feared he might be Jenkins, and 



SQUIBOB IN SAN FRANCISCO. 91 

forbore. But it's a glorious thing to reflect that we have an 
army at our disposal in this country, and a blessed reflection, 
that should we lose any old clothing in the wilderness, we 
can get Mr. Crawford to get that branch of the service to 
pick it up. 

Tired at last of monotony, even in beautiful Sonoma, I 
packed up my carpet bag, and taking the two-mule stage, 
passed through pretty little " Napa " again, and found my- 
self, one evening, once more at Benicia. It had increased 
somewhat since I had left it. I observed several new clothes 
poles had been erected, and noticed a hand cart at the corner 
of a street, that I had never seen before. But I had little 
time for observation, for the " New World " came puffing up 
to the hulks as I arrived, and I hastily stepped on board. 
Here I met my ancient crony, and distinguished friend Le 
Baron Vieux, who was on his way from Sacramento to 
the metropolis. The Baron is a good fellow and a funny man. 
You have frequently laughed over his drolleries in the " True 
Delta," and in his usually unimpeachably " good style," he 
showed me about the boat, introduced me to the captain, 
pointed out the " model artists " who were on board, and 
finally capped the climax of his polite attention by requesting 
me to take a drink. I didn't refuse, particularly — and we 
descended to the bar. And " what," said the Baron with a 
pleasant and hospitable smile, "what, my dear fellow, will you 
drink ? " I chose Bine and Wiiters^ — the Baron himself 
drinking Bin and Gitters. We hob-a-nobbed, tossed off our 
glasses, without winking, and, for an instant gazed at each 



02 SQUIBOB IN SAN FRANCISCO. 

otlier in gasping, unspeakable astonishment. " Turpentine 
and aqua fortis I " shuddered I. " Friend ! " said the Baron, 
in an awful voice, to the bar-keeper, " that drink is fifty cents ; 
but I will with pleasure give you a dollar to tell us what it 
Avas wc drank." " We call it," replied that imperturbable 
man, " Sherry Wine, but I don't know as I ever saw 
iuiy one drink it before." Quoth the Baron, who by this 
time had partially recovered his circulation and the conse- 
quent flow of his ideas : " I think, my friend, you'll never seo 
it drank before or behind, hereafter." The New World is 
an excellent and, for California, an elegant boat. Her Cap- 
tain (who don't know Wakcman?) is a pleasant gentleman. 
Her accommodations are unequalled — but, and I say this 
expressly for the benefit of my brethren of the " Dumfadgin 
Club," never call for " wine and bitters " at her bar. Ascend- 
ing to the cabin on the upper deck, I had the satisfaction of a 
formal presentation to Dr. Collyet and his interesting 
fiimily. Sober, high-toned, moral and well-conducted citi- 
zens may sneer if they please ; rowdies may visit, and with 
no other than the prurient ideas arising from their own ob- 
scene imaginations, may indorse the same opinions more 
forcibly by loud ejaculations and vulgar remarks; but I 
pretend to say that no right-minded man, with any thing like 
the commencement of a taste for the beautiful and artistic, 
can attend one of these " Model Artist" exhibitions without 
feeling astonished, gratified, and, if an enthusiast, delighted. 
As our gallant boat, dashing the spray from her bow, bore 
us safely and rapidly onward through the lovely bay of San 



• SQUIBOB IN SAN FRANCISCO. 93 

Pablo, th.0 moon tipping with its silvery rays each curling 
wave around us, and shedding a flood of yellow light upon 
our upper deck, "I walked witj^ Sappho." And "oh, 
beautiful being," said I, somewhat excited by the inspiring 
nature of the scene, and possibly, the least thought, by the tur- 
pentine I had imbibed, " do you never feel, when in the pride 
of your matchless charms you stand before us, the living, 
breathing representation of the lovely, poetic, and ill-fated 
Sappho ; do you never feel an inspiration of the moment, and, 
entering into the character, imagine yourself in mind, as in 
form, her beauteous illustration?" " V/cll — yes," said she, 
with the slightest possible indication of a yawn, " I don't 
know but I do, but it's dreadful tearing on the legs ! " 

Hem! a steamer's motion always made me feel un- 
pleasantly, and the waves of San Pablo Bay ran high that 
evening. The Baron and I took more turpentine immediately. 
"We landed in your metropolis shortly after, and succeeding 
in obtaining a man to carry my valise a couple of squares, 
for which service, being late, he charged me but thirty- 
two dollars, I repaired to. and registered my name at, the St. 
Francis Hotel, which being deciphered with an almost im- 
perceptible grin by my own and every other traveller's agree- 
able and gentlemanly friend, Campbell, I received the key of 
No. 12, and incontinently retired to rest. What I have scon 
in San Francisco I reserve for another occasion. I leave for 
San Diego this evening, from which place, I will take an 
early opportunity of addressing you. I regret that I cannot 
remain to be a participant in the coming celebration, but my 



94 SQUIBOB IN SAN FRANCISCO. • 

cousin Skewball, a resident of tlie city, -who writes ^Yitll a 
keen if not a " caustic pen," has promised to furnish you an 
ehiborate account of the affair, which, if you print, I trust you 
will send me. Write me by the post orifice. Au reservoir. 



PHOi^NIX INSTALLED EDITOR OF THE SAN 
DIEGO HERALD.* 

" Facilis decensus Averni,''^ wliicli may be liberally, not liter- 
ally translated, it is easy to go to San Francisco. Ames Las 
gone; departed in the " Goliah." During liis absence, wliicli 
I trust will not exceed two weeks, I am to remain in charge 
of the ' Herald,' the literary part thereof — I would beg to be 
understood — the responsible portion of the editoral duties 
falling upon my friend Johnny, who has, in the kindest man- 
ner, undertaken " the fighting department," and to whom I 
hereby refer any pugnacious or bellicose individual who may 
take offence at the tone of any of my leaders. The public at 
large, therefore, will understand that I stand upon " Josh 



"^ [On the of 33, the Editor of the San Diego Ilerald, a democratic organ, 

comrnittod his paper to the hands of the writer of these SItetchcs to be published as 
usual, weekly, during tlie Editor's temporary absence in San Francisco. On Ins re- 
turn, shortly after tlio f:iH election, he found the Herald still in regular order of pub- 
lication, but owing to his having neglected to charge his proxy with the particular 
keeping of his political principles, or some other cause, tlie Herald, which had been 
an uncompromising ally of the Democracy was now no less vehement and active on 
the other eide. 



96 PH(ENIX AS EDITOR. 

Haven's platform," which that gentleman defined some years 
since to be the liberty of saying any thing he pleased about 
any body, without considering himself at all responsible. It 
is an exceedingly free and independent position, and rather 
agreeable than otherwise ; but I have no disposition whatever 
to abuse it. 

It will be perceived that I have not availed myself of the 
editorial privilege of using the plural pronoun in referring to 
myself. This is simply because I consider it a ridiculous af- 
fectation. I am a " lone, lorn man," unmarried (the Lord be 
priised for his infinite mercy), and though blessed with a con. 
suming appetite " which causes the keepers of the house where 
I board to tremble," I do not think I have a tape worm, there- 
fore I have no claim whatever to call myself " we," and I 
shall by no means fall into that editorial absurdity. 

San Diego has been usually dull during the past week, 
and a summary of the news may be summarily disposed of. 
There have been no births, no marriages, no arrivals, no de- 
partures, no earthquakes, nothing but the usual number of 
drinks taken, and an occasional " small chunk of a fight " (in 
which no lives have been lost), to vary the monotony of our ex- 
istence. Placidly sat our village worthies in the arm-chairs in 
front of the " Exchange," puffing their short clay pipes, and 
enjoying their " otium cum dignitate,''^ a week ago, and pla- 
cidly they sit there still. 



The only topic of interest now discussed among us is the 



PHCENIX AS EDITOR. 97 

approacLmg election, and on this subject I desire to say a 

few words : 

To those old soldiers who were with us before the 
adoption of the Constitution, and, in consequence, are enti- 
tled to vote, I would say : remember, my lads, that the duty 
of a good soldier in time of peace is to be an estimable citizen, 
and, as such, to assist in the election of good men to office. 
The man who seeks your vote for any office by furnishing you 
with -whiskey, gratis, and credit at his little shop (if he hap- 
pens to keep one), is by no means calculated to be eithel a 
good maker or dispenser of the laws. Drink his whiskey, by 
all means, if you like it, and he invites you, but make him no 
pledges, and on the day of election vote any other ticket than 
that he gives you. You Imow well enough, oh ! my soldiers, 
how much he cares for you, and can appreciate his profes- 
sions of attachment. They amount to precisely the same as 
those of Jacob, who bought the birthright of Esau for a mess of 
pottage. Don't barter yours for a little whiskey, and make for 
the county a worse mess than Esau could ever have concocted. 

Should any gentleman, differing with me in opinion, feel 
anxious " to give utterance to the thought," I can only say, 
my dear sir, the ^^ Herald'''' is an Independent paper, and 
while I have charge of it, its light shall shine for all ; express 
yourself, therefore, fully, but concisely, in an ably written 
article; hand it to me, and I will, with pleasure, present it to 
the world, through the columns of this wide-spread journal, 
merely reserving for myself the privilege of using you up, aa 
5 



08 PHGENIX AS EDITOR. 

I shall infallibly do, and to a fearful extent, if facts are facts, 
reason is reasonable, and " I know myself intimately," of 
"which, at present, I have no manner of doubt. 

And thus having said my say, in a plain, straightforward 
manner, I shall close, for the present, with the assurance to 
the public, that I remain their very obedient, and particularly 
humble servant. 



Mr. Kerren drove the Chaplain to the Mission from Old 
Town last Sunday, after the performance of the afternoon 
service — 

'' " With four gray horses, and two on the lead, 

They made tracts for the other side of Jordan." 

The rattling 2.40 pace at which they tore along, was rather 
too much for the worthy preacher. 

" Kerren," gasped his anxious reverence, as he held firm- 
ly by the back seat, after a flying leap over a stone of unusu- 
ally large dimensions, " do you know why you are like the 
Pharisees ? " " No, sir," said Kerren, touching up his off 
leader. " Why," rejoined the good old man, " ye appear 
unto men too fast." 

Kerren gave a deep groan, and the horses struck a reli- 
gious walk, which they adhered to until their arrival at the 
Mission. 



PHCENIX AS EDITOR- 99 

" The Squire's Story." — " Oli ! " says the squire, " I 
wish't I was married and well of it, I dread it poiverful — I'd 
like to marry a widow — I allers liked widows since I knowed 
one down in Georgia that suited my ideas, adzactly. 

" About a week after her husband died, she started down 
to the grave-yard whar they'd planted of him, as she said, to 
read the prescription onto his monument. When she got 
there, she stood a minute a looking at the stones which was put 
at each end of the grave, with an epithet on 'em that the min- 
ister had writ for her. Then she bust out, ' Oh ! boo hoo,' 
says she, '■ Jones — he was one of the best of men ; I remem- 
ber how the last time he come home, about a week ago, he 
brought down from town some sugar, and a little tea, and 
some store goods for me, and lots of little necessaries, and a 
little painted boss for Jeems, which that blessed child got his 
mouth all yaller with sucking of it, and then he kissed the chil- 
dren all round, and took down that good old fiddle of his'n 
and played up that good old tune, 

" Rake her down, Sal, oh rang dang diddle, 
Oh rang, dang diddle dang, dang dang da." 

"Here," says the Squire, "she begin to dance, and I 
just thought she was the greatest woman ever I see." 

" The Squire " always gives a short laugh, after telling 
this anecdote, and then filling and lighting his pipe, subsides 
into an arm-chair in front of the " Exchange," and indulges 
in calm and dreamy reflection.' 



100 PHOENIX AS EDITOR. 

Wanted. — Back numbers of tlie Democratic Review 
Bpeeclies and writings of Jefferson, Coffroth, Calhoun, Bigler 
Van Buren and otliers. Copies of the San Joaquin Bepublican 
(with George's daguerreotype), Files of the Times and Trans- 
cript (a few at a time), and a diagram representing the con- 
struction of the old United States Bank for the use of a young 
man desirous of turniug Democrat. — Apply at this office (by 
firing a gun, or punching on the ceiling, he being deeply en- 
gaged in study in the garret), to 

J. PHCENIX. 



The Comedy of Errors. — We have been accused, with 
great injustice, of a " reckless propensity to lampoon." We 
disclaim, with indignation, any such propensity. On the con- 
trary, such has been our anxiety to avoid personalities, or un- 
pleasant allusions, that we have actually suppressed some of 
the very funniest things we have ever heard — little drolleries 
over which we have laughed, ourselves, in the sanctity of the 
sanctum, until the " arm-chair " has cracked again, and won- 
dering men in the billiard room below, have poked up against 
the ceiling with their cues (that they might take their cue 
from us), simply because the mention of some name, Jones, 
Brown or Muggins, has rendered us unable to present them to 
the public. The conductor of a public journal is responsible 
for every thing that he presents, and he should never indulge in 
personalities, however humorous they may appear, or however 
much they may amuse himself, or be calculated to amuse hia 
readers. 



I 



PHCENIX AS EDITOR. 101 

It is for this reason that we forbear publishing the fol- 
lowing capital thing, dramatized expressly for our paper, and 
which we are solemnly assured, occurred very nearly, if not 
exactly, as represented. 



Scene. — Tlie interior of the City Post OJJke at San Francisco, Gov. £— — • 
discovered^ sitting, lidding a copy of the San Francisco Herald at arms- 
length, in a pair of tongs, and reading it with every mark oj scorn and deep 
disgust. Enter Judge A. from the South, Editor of the San Diego Herald. 

Judge A. Ah ! Governor, your most obedient ; how do yon 
do, sir? 

Governor B. (Putting the Herald in a bucket of water, and 
laying down the tongs). How do you do. A., how d'ye do ? 
"VYell, how are matters going on in San Diego county ? 

Judge A. Oh ! admirably; you may depend on the unani- 
mous support of that county, sir, the Herald has an immense, 
a commanding influence there, it will be felt, sir. I have 
left the paper in the charge of an able literary friend there, 
sir, Mr. Phoenix, probably you may have heard of him, a man 
of great ability ; I expect an admirable paper from him thig 
week, sir. 

Governor B. (With a bland smile). — Ah ! thorough Demo» 
crat, eh ? 

Judge A. Oh ! certainly ; I never thought to ask him, 
but — oh, of course, certainly he is a Democrat. 

Governor B. Oh ! certainly ; I shall be glad to see his 
paper, Mr. A., ah ! very glad, sir. 

Here the mail is opened, the Judge eagerly receives a bun- 



102 PHCENIX AS EDITOR. 

die of tlic first Pliocnix Herald, hastily tears off the envelop, 
hands one copy to the Governor, and takes another himself. 
Each put on spectacles and glance at the first column, where 
appears in fatal capitals the respectable name of William 
Waldo. Grand Tableau ! ! I The Governor and the Judge 
gaze at each other over the tops of their respective papers, 
the one, with wrathful and indignant glance, the other, with 
the most concentrated expression of horror and misery of 
which the human countenance is capable. 
\Here ilie GJiost of old Squihoh liimself {ought to have been) 
seen rising, and hovering for ah instant over the pair in 
an attitude of benediction, murmuring, " Bless ye, my 
children,^'' larfs and disaj)pears in a ^^ sweet scented''^ 
cloudJ] 
We forbear to give the conversation that ensued — this is 
a Christian community in which we live, and the introduc- 
tion of excessive profanity in the columns of a public journal 
even as a quotation, would not and ought not to be tolerated. 
We have received by the Goliah, an affecting letter from 
Judge Ames, beseeching us to return to the fold of Democ- 
racy from which he is inclined to intimate we have been 
straying. Is it possible that we have been laboring under 
a delusion — and that Waldo is a Whig ! Why ! lor ! How 
singular ! Eut anxious to atone for our past errors, willing 
to please the taste of the Editor, and above all, ever soli- 
citous to be on the strong side, we gladly abjure our former 
opinions, embrace Democracy with ardor, slap her on the 
back, declare ourselves in favor of erecting a statue of An- 



PHCENIX AS EDITOR. 103 

drew Jackson in the Plaza, and to prove our sincerity, run 
up to-day at the head of our columns, a Democratic ticket for 
1855, which we hope will please the most fastidious. Being 
rather hard up for principles for our political faith, we have 
commenced the study of the back numbers of the Democratic 
Review, and finding therein that " Democracy is the supre- 
macy OF MAN" OVER HIS ACCIDENTS," WO hereby express our 
contempt for a man with a sprained ankle, and unmitigated 
scorn for any body who may be kicked by a mule or a 
woman. That's Democratic, ain't it ? Oh, we understand 
these things. — Bless your soul. Judge, we're a Democrat. 



Late — Passing by one of our doggeries about 3 A. M., 
the other morning, from which proceeded " a sound of revelry 
by night," a hapless stranger on his homeward way paused to 
obtain a slight refreshment, and to the host he said, " It ap- 
pears to me your visitors are rather late to-night." " Oh 
no," replied the worthy landlord, " the boys of San Diego 
generally run for forty-eight hours, stranger; ifs a little late 
for night hefore last, but for to-night ! why, it's just in 
the shank of the evening." Volumes could not have said 
more. 



Wanted — By the subscriber, a serious young man, with 
fixed principles of integrity and sobriety, to make beds, 
sweep a room, black boots and bring water. For a youth of 



104 PHCENIX AS EDITOR. 

religious principles, to whom a large salary is not of so much 
object as a knowledgo of the business, an eligible situation is 
here oflered. 

The best of references given and required. 

J. PHCENIX. 

N. B. No female in disguise need apply. 



An Apt Quotation. — His Reverence coining into tho 
Colorado House last Sunday afternoon, was invited by tho 
urbane proprietor to irrigate. Being in an arid state, he 
consented to take a glass of lemonade, but aceidentally took 
a brandy cocktail Trhich had been mixed for Mr. Mariatowskie, 
and drank it off vrithout noticing his mistake. '' Why, Doc- 
tor," said Frank, when he observed the disappearance of his 
sustenance, " that was my horn you drank." Ah, my young 
friend, quoth the good old man, with a benevolent smile and 
a smack of his lips, while the moisture stood on the inside of 
his venerable spectacles — " Ah, my young friend, the lioi^n 
of ihe imgodhj sliaJl he pid doivny Psalms 75 : 10. 



For Sale. — A valuable Law Library, lately the property 
of a distinguished legal gentleman of San Francisco, who has 
given up practice and removed to the Farraloue Islands. It 
consists of one volume of '' Hoyle's Games," complete, and 
may be seen at this office. 



PH(EN1X AS EDITOR. 10( 

Our friend Charley Poole was complaining bitterly tlio 
other morning of the muddy quality of the water brought him 
for his daily ablutions, when he was consoled by a remark of 
'' Phoenix," that he was probably a descendant of old Pool 
of Bethesda, mentioned in the Scriptures, and that, the angel 
that used to " come down and trouble " his ancestor's water, 
still continued his attentions to the family. 



" There's many a slip 'tween the cup and the up." 
Proverbs 53 : 14. — It was my intention to have devoted 
about two columns of this journal, this week, to an exposition 
of the nefarious scheme of the " Water Front Extension," at 
San Francisco, and the abuse of the gubernatorial power that 
has been exercised in the matter of the " State Printing," 
during the past year. 

But I have been deterred from doing all this by two 
good and sufficient reasons. In the first place, I can find 
but one man in the county who ever intended to vote for 
Bigler, and I have laboicd with him to prove the errors of 
opinion into which he has fallen, to that extent, that partly 
from the eff'ects of the Fiesta, at San Luis Rey (where, as a 
matter of course, he became excessively inebriated), and 
partly from agitation of mind produced by my arguments, he 
has fallen into a violent fit of sickness, from which his phy- 
sician thinks he cannot possibly recover before the day of 
election. And, secondly, I have a horrible misgiving that 
the editor de facto will return before this edition has gone to 



106 PHCENIX AS EDITOR. 

press, in wliich case, coming down on mc from San Francisco 
" like a young giant refreslied with new wine," and finding 
(wliat he would consider) such abominable heresy in his col- 
umns, he would doubtless knock the whole matter into pi, and 
perhaps, in the extremity of his wrath, inflict some grievous 
bodily injury on me, all of which would be intensely dis- 
agreeable. Moved by these considerations, therefore, I shall 
let John Bigler entirely alone, and in case of his re-election, 
shall make a great merit of having done so, and apply to him 
immediately for a commission as Notary Public. 

The great event of the past week has been the Fiesta at 
San Luis E-ey. — Many of our citizens attended, and a very 
large number of native Californians and Indians collected 
from the various ranchos in the vicinity. High mass was 
celebrated in the old church on Thursday morning, an Indian 
baby was baptized, another nearly killed by being run over 
by an excited individual on an excited horse, and that day 
and the following, were passed in witnessing the absurd 
efforts of some twenty natives to annoy a number of tame 
bulls, with the tips of their horns cut off. This great na- 
tional amusement, ironically termed bull-fighting, consists in 
waving a serape, or handkerchief, in front of the bull until he 
is sufficiently annoyed to run after bis tormentor, when that 
individual gets out of his way, with great precipitation. The 
nights were passed in an equally intellectual manner. 



PHtENIX AS EDITOR. 107 

The " Phoenix Ticket " generally ^ appears to give general 
satisfaction. It was merely put forward suggestively, and not 
being the result of a clique or convention, the public are at 
perfect liberty to make such alterations or erasures as they 
may think proper. I hope it may meet with a strong sup- 
port on the day of election ; but should it meet with defeat, 
I shall endeavor to bear the inevitable mortification that 
must result, with my usual equanimity. 

Like unto the great Napoleon after the battle of Water- 
loo, or the magnanimous Boggs after his defeat, in the gu- 
bernatorial campaign of Missouri, I shall fold my arms 
with tranquillity, and say either " G^estfini^'' or Oil sliaw, I 
knoio'dU!'' 

Though this is but my second bow to a San Diego audience, 
I presume it to be my last appearance and valedictory, for 
the editor will doubtless arrive before another week elapses — 
the gun will be removed from my trembling grasp, and the 
Herald will resume its great aims, and heavy firing, and I 
hope will discharge its debt to the public with accuracy, and 
precision. Meanwhile " The Lord bo with you." " Be vir- 



^^' We have received for publication, an article signed 
" Leonidas," from the pen of an old and esteemed friend of 
ours, intended to counteract the effect of our leader last 
week, which we should publish were it not for its length, 
and the rather strong style in which it is written. Many of 



108 PHCENIX AS EDITOR, 

tlie principal points of " Leonidas' " opposition are removed 
in this issue of the paper, -and we doubt if it would servo 
any useful purpose to publish extracts from his letter, or if 
he would be pleased with our doing so. 

He winds up by exhorting the Democrats " to keep to- 
gether " (we hope they will, it would give us unfeigned re- 
gret to see any man explode or fall to pieces), and by call- 
ing U3, indirectly, '' a rabid Whig.'''' 

In this, *' Leonidas," you are mistaken. Our ideas on 
political matters are precisely those of the lamented Joseph 

Bowers, who when running for the office of in the state 

of was asked by the committee, " Mr. Bowers, what 

are your politics ? " To which he replied, " GentlemeTi, I 
have no politics " — " What," exclaimed the committee in 
surprise, — " no politics." " No, gentleme??," rejoined the 
imperturbable Joseph, " not a d — d politic." 

He was elected unanimously, as many of our readers 

from will doubtless remember, and we hope, should it 

ever come to pass, that we are a candidate for public office, 
we may meet with the like good fortune. 

So farewell, oh Leonidas, we trust you are not yet " boil- 
ing "with indignation; " but if unhappily that is the case, W9 
can only placidly remark — "5oi?o?i." 



As an incident of the election we are told that late 
in the afternoon an elderly gentleman, much overcome by 
excitement and spirituous potations, was found like Peter 



PHOENIX AS EDITOR. 109 

" weeping bitterly," as he reclined on tlie cold cold ground, 
behind the Court House. " I'm an old man, gentle-me?2," 
sobbed he, " and a poor old man, and a d — -d itgly old man, 
and I've gone and voted for Bigler ! " " "Well, you have 
done it," remarked one of the crowd, and with this expres- 
sion of sympathy, the unhappy old fellow was left to the 
stings of his conscience. A melancholy instance of mis- 
placed attachment. 



A Game of Poker. — An Eastern paper mentions the case 
of an individual in Terre Haute, Ind., who attacked his wife 
with a poker, and was arrested by a gentleman attracted by 
the lady's screams. Ah, the gentleman jpassed, the lady 
saw him and called. 



^S" We carelessly threw a bucket of water from our 
office door the other day, the most of which fell upon an 
astonished Spaniard, sitting upon his horse, before tho Colo- 
rado House. He made the brief remark " Ca.rajo^'^ meaning 
that we were courageous, and on observing his stalwart form, 
and the forocity of his expression and moustaches, we thought 
we were. 



A Syllogism.- — David was a Jew — Hence, " the Harp of 
David " was a Jewsharp. Question — How the deuce did 
he sing his Psalms and play on it the same time ? 



no RETURN OF THE EDITOR. 

We recommend this difficult question to " Dismal Jeema * 
for solution, the answer to be left at Barry and Patten'a; 
(lirectod to " IMioonix." 



RETURN OF THE EDITOR. 

" T<3 Deum Laudamus.'''' — ^Judgc Ames has returned 1 
AVith the completion of this article my labors are ended ; 
luid wiping my pen on my coat-tail, and placing it behind 
my sinister ear, with a graceful bow and bland smile for my 
honored admirers, and a wink of intense meaning for my 
enemies, I shall abdicate, with dignity, the " Arm-Chair," in 
favor of its legitimate proprietor. 

By the way, this " Arm-Chair " is but a pleasant fiction 
of " the Judge's./' — the only seat in the Herald Office being 
tlie empty nail keg, which I have occupied while writing my 
leaders upon the inverted sugar box, that answers the pur- 
pose of a table. But such is life. Divested of its poetry 
and romance, the objects of our highest admiration become 
nu^re common-places, like the Herald's chair and table. 
Many ideas which wo have learned to love and reverence, 
from the poetry of imagination, as tables, become old sugar 
l)oxes on close inspection, and more intimate acquaintance. 
" Sic — ^but I forbear that sickening and hackneyed quota- 
Hon. 



RBTUEN OF THE EDITOR. Ill 

During the period in wliicli I have had control over tho 
Herald. I hav^e endeavored to the best of my ability to amuso 
and interest its readers, and I cannot but hope that my good 
humored efforts have proved successfuh If I have given 
offence to any by the tone of my remarks, I assure them that 
it has been quite unintentional, and to prove that I bear no 
malice, I hereby accept their apologies. Certainly no one 
can complain of a lack of versatility in the last six numbers. 
Commencing as an Independent Journal, I have gradually 
passed through all the stages of incipient Whiggery, decided 
Conservatism, dignified Recantation, budding Democracy 
and rampant Radicalism, and I now close the series with an 
entirely literary number, in which, I have carefully abstained 
from the mention of Baldo and Wigler, I mean, Wagler and 
Bildo, no — never mind — as Toodles says, I haven't men- 
tioned any of 'em, but been careful to preserve a perfect 
armed neutrality 

The paper this week will be found particularly stupid. 
This is the result of deep design on my part; had I at- 
tempted any thing remarkably brilliant, you would all have 
detected it, and said, probably with truth; — Ah, this is 
Phoenix's last appearance, he has tried to be very funny, and 
has made a miserable failure of it. Hee ! hee ! hee ! Oh ! 
no, my Public, an ancient weasel may not be detected in 
the act of slumber, in that manner. I was well aware of all 
this, and have been as dull and prosy as possible to avoid it. 
Very little news will be found in the Herald this week : the 
fact is, there never is much news in it, and it is very 



112 INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR AND PHCENIX. 

well that it is so ; the climate here is so delightful, thai 
residents, in the eDJoyment of their dolce far niente, care 
very little about what is going on elsewhere, and residents 
in other places, care very little about what is going on in 
San Diego, so all parties are likely to be gratified with the 
little paper, " and long may it wave." 

In conclusion, I am gratified to be able to state that 
Johnny's office (the fighting department), for the last six 
weeks, has been a sinecure, and with the exception of the 
atrocious conduct of one miscreant, who was detected very 
early one morning, in the act of chalking a s s on our office 
door, and who was dismissed with a harmless kick, and a 
gentle admonition that he should not write his name on other 
persons' property, our course has been peaceful, and undis- 
turbed by any expression of an unpleasant nature. 

So, farewell Public, I hope you will do well ; I do, upon 
my soul. This leader is ended, and if there be any man 
among you who thinks he could write a better one, let him 
try it, and if he succeeds, I shall merely remark, that I could 
have done it myself if I had tried. Adios ! 

Respectably Youi s. 



/ 



INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR AND PHCENIX. 

The Thomas Hunt had arrived, she lay at the wharf at 
New Town, and a rumor had reached our ears that " the 



INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR AND PHOENIX. I l5 

" Judge " was on board. Public anxiety had been excited to 
the highest pitch to witness the result of the meeting be- 
tween us. It had been stated publicly that " the Judge " 
would whip us the moment he arrived ; but though we 
thought a conflict probable, we had never been very san- 
guine as to its terminating in this manner. Coolly we gazed 
from the window of the OSice upon the New Town road ; we 
descried a cloud of dust in the distance ; high above it waved 
a whip lash, and we said, " the Judge " cometh, and " his 
driving is like that of Jehu the son of Nimshi, for he driveth 
fuviously." 

Calmly we seated ourselves in the " arm chair," and con- 
tinued our labors upon our magnificent Pictorial. Anon, a 
step, a heavy step, was heard upoii the stairs, and " th? 
Judge " stood before us. 

" In shape and gesture proudly eminent, stood like a 
tower : but his face deep scars of thunder had in- 
trenched, and care sat on his faded cheek ; but under brows 
of dauntless courage and considerate pride, waiting re- 
venge." 

We rose, and with an unfaltering voice said : " Well, 
Judge, how do you do ? " He made no reply, but commenced 
taking off his coat. 

We removed ours, also our cravat. 

# * # * * # * # 

The sixth and last round, is described by the pressman 
and compositors, as having been fearfully scientific. We held 



114 INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR AND TIKE NIX. 

'' tho Judge " down over tlio Press by our nose (wliicli we 
had inserted between his teeth for that purpose), and while 
our hair was employed in holding one of his hands, we held 
the other in our left, and with the " sheep's foot " brandished 
above our head, shouted to him, " say Waldo," Never ! he 
gasped — 

Oh ! my Biglor ho would have muttered, 

But tliat ho ' dried up,' cro tho word was uttered. 

At this moment, we discovered that we had been laboring 
under a " misunderstanding," and through the amicable in- 
tervention of the pressman, who thrust a roller between our 
foces (which gave the whole affair a very differdnt com- 
plexion), the matter was finally settled on the most friendly 
terms — " and without prejudice to the honor of either 
party." We write this while sitting without any clothing, 
except our left stocking, and the rim of our hat encircling our 
neck like a ' ruff ' of the Elizabethan era — that article of 
dress having been knocked over our head at an early stage 
of the proceedings, and the crown subsequently torn off, 
while the Judge is sopping his eye with cold water, in the 
next room, a small boy standing beside the sufferer with a 
basin, and glancing with interest over the advertisements on 
the second page of the San Diego Herald, a fair copy of 
which was struck off upon the back of his shirt, at the time 
we held him over the Press. Thus ends our description of 
this long anticipated personal collision, of which the public 
can believe nrecisely as much as they please if they dis- 



INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR AND PHOSNIX. 115 

believe the whole of it, we shall not be at all offended, but 
can simply quote as much to the point, what might have been 
the commencement of our epitaph, had we fallen in the 
conflict, 

" Here Lies Phcenix.' 



ILLUSTKATED NEWSPAPERS. 

A YEAR or two since a weekly paper was started iu London, 
called tlie " Illustrated Newsy It was filled with tolerably 
executed wood cuts, representing scenes of popular interest, 
and though perhaps better calculated for the nursery than the 
reading room, it took very well in England, where few can 
read, but all can understand pictures, and soon attained an 
immense circulation. As when the inimitable London Punch 
attained its world-wide celebrity, supported by such writers 
as Thackeray, Jerrold and Hood, would-be funny men on this 
side of the Atlantic — attempted absurd imitations — the " Yan- 
kee Doodle " — the " John Donkey," &c., which as a matter of 
course proved miserable failures ; so did the success of this Il- 
lustrated afi^iir inspire our money-loving publishers with hopes 
of dollars, and soon appeared from Boston, New York and other 
places, Pictorial and Illustrated Newspapers, teeming with 
execrable and silly effusions, and filled with the most fearful 
wood engravings, " got up regardless of expense " or any thing 



ILLUSTRATED NEWSPAPERS. 117 

else ; the contemplation of wliich was enough to make an 
artist tear his hair and rend his garments. A Yankee named 
Gleason, of Boston, published the first, we believe, calling it 
" Gleason's Pictorial (it should have been Gleason's Pick- 
pocket) and Drawing Eoom Companion." In this he pre- 
sented to his unhappy subscribers, views of his house in the 
country, and his garden, and for aught we know, of " his ox 
and his ass, and the stranger within his gates." A detesta- 
ble invention for transferring Daguerreotypes to plates for en- 
graving, having come into notice about this time, was eager- 
ly seized upon by Gleason, for farther embellishing his catch- 
penny publication, duplicates and uncalled for pictures were 
easily obtained, and many a man has gazed in horror-stricken 
astonishment on the likeness of a respected friend, as a " Por- 
trait of Monroe Edwards," or that of his deceased grand- 
mother, in the character of " One of the Signers of the Decla- 
ration of Independence." They love pictures in Yankeedom ; 
every tin peddler has one on his wagon, and an itinerant lec- 
turer can always obtain an audience by sticking up a like- 
ness of some unhappy female, with her ribs laid open in an 
impossible manner, for public inspection, or a hairless gentle- 
man, with the surface of his head laid out in eligible lots, 
duly marked and numbered. The factory girls of Lowell, the 
Professors of Harvard all bought the new Pictorial. (Profes- 
sor Webster was reading one, when Dr. Parkman called on 
him on the morning of the murder.) Gleason's speculation 
was crowned with success, and he bought himself a new 
cooking stove and erected an out-building on his estate, with 



118 ILLUSTRATED NEWSrAPERS. 

both of which he favored the puhlic in a new wood cut im* 
mediately. 

Inspired by his success, old Feejee-Mermaid-Tom-Thumb- 
Woolly-horse-Joyce-Heth-Barnum, forthwith got out another 
Illustrated Weekly, with pictures far more extensive, letter- 
press still sillier, and engravings more miserable, if possible, 
tlian Yankee Gleason's. And then we were bored and buf- 
feted by having incredible likenesses of Santa Anna, Queen 
Victoria and poor old AYebster, thrust beneath our nose, to 
that degree that we wished the respected originals had never 
existed, or that the art of wood engraving had perished with 
that of painting on glass. 

It was, therefore, with the most intense delight that we 
saw a notice the other day of the failure and stoppage of 
Barnum's Illustrated News ; we rejoiced thereat, greatly, and 
we hope that it will never be revived, and that Gleason will 
also fail as soon as he conveniently can, and that his trashy 
Pictorial will perish with it. 

It must not be supposed from the tenor of these remarks 
that we are opposed to the publication of a properly conducted 
\nd creditably executed Illustrated paper. " On the contra- 
ry, quite the reverse." We are passionately fond of art our- 
selves, and we believe that nothing can have a stronger 
tendency to refinement in society, than presenting to the pub- 
lic, chaste and elaborate engravings, copies of works of high 
artistic merit, accompanied by graphic and well written 
essays. It was for the purpose of introducing a paper con- 
t^iining these features to our appreciative community, that w© 



ILLUSTRATED NEWSPAPERS. 119 

have made these introductory remarks, and for the purpose 
of challenging comparison, and defying competition, that we 
have criticised so severely the imbecile and ephemeral pro- 
ductions mentioned above. At a vast expenditure of money, 
time and labor, and after the most incredible and unheard of 
exertion, on our part, individually, we are at length able to 
present to the public an Illustrated publication of unprece- 
dented merit, containing engravings of exceeding costliness 
and rare beauty of design, got up on an expensive scale, which 
never has been attempted before, in this or any other country. 
"We furnish our readers this week with the first number, 
merely premising that the immense expense attending its 
issue, will require a corresponding liberality of patronage on 
the part of the Public, to cause it to be continued. 



fiffiill^i PiSfiiiilp 

And Second Story Front Room Companion. 




Vol. I.] San Diego, October 1, 1853. [.\o. I. 



Portrait of His Koyal Highness Prince Albert. — Prince 
Albert, the ^on of a gentleman named Coburg, is the husband 



120 ILLUSTRATED NEWSPAPERS. 

of Queen Yictoria of England, and tlie father of many of her 
children. He is the inventor of the celebrated "Albert 
hat," which has been lately introduced with great effect in 
the U. S. Army. The Prince is of German extraction, his 
father beinfir a Dutchman and his mother a Duchess. 



Mansion of John Phoenix, Esq., San Diego, California. 



House in which Shakespeare was born, in Stratford-on- 
Avon. 



Abbotsford, the residence of Sir Walter Scott, author jf 
Byron's Pilgrim's Progress, &c. 



The Capitol at Washington. 



ILLTISTRATED NEWSPAPERS. 



121 



Residence of Goyernor Bigler, at Benicia, California. 




Battle of Lake Erie, {see rew.arks^ p. %'o^ 
[Page 96.] 

The Battle of Lake Erie, of wliicli our Artist presents a 
spirited engraving, copied from the original painting, by 
Hannibal Carracci, in the possession of J. P. Haven, Esq., 
was fought in 1836, on Chesapeake Bay, between the U. S- 
Frigates Constitution and Guerriere and the British Troops 
under General Putnam. Our glorious flag, there as every- 
where was victorious, and " Long may it wave, o'er the land 
of the free, and the home of the slave.''' 




Fearful accident on the Camden & Amboy Kailroad ! ! 

Terrible loss of life ! ! ! 
6 



122 



ILLUSTRATED NEWSPAPERS. 



View of the City of San Diego, by Sir Benjamin West. 




Interview between Mrs. Harriet Beeclier Stowe and the 
Duchess of Sutherland, from a group of Statuary, by Clarke 
Mills. 






Bank Account of J. Phoenix, Esq., at Adams & Co. 
Bankers, San Francisco, California 




Gas Works, San Diego Herald Oflfice. 



ILLUSTRATED NEWSPAPERS. 123 



Steamer Goliah. 



View of a California Rancli. — Landseer. 



Shell of an Oyster once eaten by General "Wasliington ; 
eliowing the General's manner of opening Oysters. 

There ! — this is hut a specimen of what we can do if lib- 
erally sustained. We wait with anxiety to hear the verdict 
of the Public, before proceeding to any farther and greater 
outlays. 

Subscription, $5 per annum, payable invariably in ad« 
vance. 

INDUCEMENTS FOR CLUBBING. 

Twenty Copies furnished for one year, for fifty cents. 
A.ddress John Phoenix, Office of the San Diego Herald. 



124 ILLUSTRATED NEWSPAPERS. 



SANDYAGO— A SOLIQUY. 



Oh my what a trying thing it is for a feller 

To git kooped up iu this ere litilc plais 

Where the males dont run reglar no how 

Kor the females nuther, eos there aiut none. 

But by the mails I mean the post oriliees 

Viy whieh we git our letters and sufiorth 

From the Atlantie States and the British Proyiuce* 

But here there aint no hind of a chance 

Except by the Sutheruer or the leky Fremont 

"Which runs very seldom, and onst in the latter 

I come to this plais, and wisht I was furder. 

The natives is all sorts complected 

Some white, some black, ct some kinder speckled, 

And about fourteen rowdy vagabonds 

That gits drunk and goes round lickin every body. 

And four stores to every white human 

"Which are kept b}^ the children of Zion 

Where they sell their goods bort at auction 

At seven times more than they costed, 

With a grand j my thats slttiu forever 

But dont never seem to indite nothin, 

And if they do what comes on it 

The petty ones finds em not guilty 

And then they go otT much in licker 

And hit the fust feller thej' come to. 

All night long in this sweet little village 

You hear the soft note of the pistol 

With the plea?ant screak of the victim 



ILLUSTRATED NEWSPAPERS. 125 

Whose been shot prehaps in his gizzard. 
And all day hosses is running 
"With drunken greasers astraddle 
A hollerin and hoopin like demons 
And playin at billiards and monte 
Till they've nary red cent to ante 
Having busted up all the money 
Which they bon-yed at awful percentage 
On ranches which they haint no title 
To, and the U. S. board of commission 
Will be derned if they ever approve it. 
While the squire he goes round a walkin 
And sasses all respectable persons 
With his talk of pills he's invented 
To give a spirit of resentment. 
And persons fite duels on paper. 
Oh its awful this here little plais is 
And quick as my business is finished 
I shall leave here you may depend on it 
By the very first leky steambote, 
Or if they are all of em busted 
I'll hire a mule from some feller 
And just put out to Santy Clara. 



" The Judge " looks melancholy ! — He knows that this is 
Phoenix's Last, and that's exactly " where the shoe pinches." 
This squib is adapted to the comprehension of the meanest 
shoemaker. 



FOUETH OF JULY CELEBEATION IN SAN 
DIEGO. 

{Reported exx>vessly for the San Diego Herald.) 

Tuesday last, tlie 4tli of July, being the anniversary of tlio 
discovery of San Diego by tlie Hon. J. J. Warner, in 1846 
as well as tbat of our National Independence (" long may it 
\Yave," &c.), was celebrated in this city with all that spirit 
and patriotism for wbicli it has ever been distinguished. 

Every citizen, with the exception of those who had retired 
in a state of intoxication, was aroused at 2 a. m. by the soulf 
stirring and tremendous report of the Plaza Artillery, which 
had been carefully loaded the previous evening with two 
pounds of powder, and half a bushel of public documents 
franked to this place by our late honorable representatives. 
Each citizen on being awakened in this manner (if he imi- 
tated the example of your respected reporter), reflected a 
moment with admiration on our glorious institutions ; with 
pride on our great and increasing country, and with gratitude 



FOURTH OF JULY CELEBRATION IN SAN DIEGO. 127 

on the efforts of those patriotic spirits who had thus aroused 
him, and after murmuring some aspiration for their future 
happiness, was about to sink again to sleep, when — Bang ! 
No. 2, more powder, more public documents, effectually 
aroused him again, to go through the same train of thought, 
murmur the same aspirations, a little warmer, perhaps, this 
time, and again become sleepy in time for Bang ! No. 3. In 
this agreeable manner the attention was occupied, and the 
mind filled with patriotic ideas until just before daylight, 
when the powder unfortunately gave out, though four bushels 
of public documents still remained (but they wouldn't go off), 
and the firing ceased. At sunrise the National Banner would 
have unfolded its " broad stripes and bright stars " to the 
breeze, but for the unlucky circumstance of there being no 
halliards to our flag-staff. "We are gratified to learn that a 
new set will probably be furnished by the Board of Trustees 
before the next anniversary. 

At S A. M. a procession was formed, and moved to the 
sound of an excellent military band, consisting of a gong and 
a hand-bell, across the Plaza, where it separated into two 
divisions, one proceeding to the Union House, the other to 
the Colorado Hotel. At each of these excellent establish- 
ments an elegant dejeuner was served up, of the sumptuous- 
ness of which the following bill of fare will give some faint 
idea :— 

BREAKFAST EILL OF FARE. 



Coffee. 


Cafe, con sucre. 


Bread. 


Pan. 


Butter. 


Mantequilla. 


Fried beefsteaks. 


Came. 


IlilSh. 


Nose. 



12S FOURTH OF JULY CELEBRATION IN SAN DIEGO. 

At A. M. precisely, tlie San Diego Liglit Infantry in full 
uniform, consisting of Brown's little boy in his sliirt-tail, 
fired a National salute with a large bunch of fire crackers. 
This part of the celebration went ofi' admirably ; with the ex- 
ception of the young gentleman having set fire to his shirt- 
tail, which was fortunately extinguished immediately, without 
accident. 

At 12 M. an oration was delivered by a gentleman, in the 
Spanish language, in front of the Exchange, of which your 
reporter regrets to say he has been unable to remember but 
the concluding sentence, which, however, he is informed con- 
tains many fine ideas. It was nearly as follows : 

'' Hoy €s cl dia de Santa licfugia ! Hicy Los America- 
710S son ahajos, no vale nada ! {Hie,) nada, nada, nada, {hic- 
cup.) Mira ! liomhrc, dar me poco de aguadiente Caramha.''^ 

This oration was remarkably well received, and shortly 
after, the band commencing its performance, the procession 
was again formed, and dividing as before, moved off to dinner. 

The afternoon passed pleasantly away, in witnessing the 
performances of a gentleman who had been instituting a series 
of experiments to test the relative strength of various descrip- 
tions of spirituous liquor, and who becoming excited and en- 
thusiastic thereby, walked round the Plaza and howled dis- 
mally. 

Upon the whole, every thing passed ofl' in the most credi- 
table manner, and we can safely say that never in our recol- 
lection have we witnessed such a celebration of the glorious 
anniversary of our Nation's Independence. 



MELANCHOLY ACCIDENT.— DEATH OF A 
YOUNG MAN. 

Mr. Mudge lias just arrived in San Diego from Arkansas ; 
he brings with him four yoke of oxen, seventeen American 
cows, nine American children, and Mrs. Mudge. They have 
encamped in the rear of our office, pending the arrival of the 
next coasting steamer. 

Mr. Mudge is about thirty-seven years of age. his hair is 
light, not a " sable silvered," but a yaller^ gilded ; you can 
see some of it sticking out of the top of his hat ; his costume 
is the national costume of Arkansas, coat, waistcoat, and pan- 
taloons of homespun cloth, dyed a brownish yellow, with a 
decoction of the bitter barked butternut — a pleasing allitera- 
tion ; his countenance presents a determined, combined with 
a sanctimonious expression, and in his brightly gleaming eye 
— a red eye we think it is — we fancy a spark of poetic fervor 
may be distinguished. 

Mr. Mudge called on us yesterday. "We were eating 
6* 



130 MELANCHOLY ACCIDENT. ^DEATH OP A YOUNG MAN. 

watermelon. Perhaps tlie reader may have eaten watermelon, 
if so, lie knows how difficult a thing it is to speak, when the 
mouth is filled with the luscious fruit, and the slippery seed 
and sweet though embarrassing juice is s(][uizzling out all 
over the chin, and shirt-bosom. So at first we said nothing, 
bat waved with our case knife toward an unoccupied box, as 
who should say sit down. Mr. Mudge accordingly seated 
himself, and removing his hat (whereat all his hair sprang 
up straight like a Jack in the box), turned that article of 
dress over and over in his hands, and contemplated its condi- 
tion with alarming seriousness. 

Take some melon, Mr. Mudge ? said we, as with a sud- 
den bolt we recovered our speech and took another slice our- 
self. " No, I thank you," replied Mr. Mudge, " I wouldn't 
choose any, now." 

There was a solemnity in Mr. Mudge's manner that 
arrested our attention ; we paused, and holding a large slice 
of watermelon dripping in the air, listened to what he might 
have to say. 

" Thar was a very serious accident happened to us," said 
Mr. Mudge, " as we wos crossin the plains. ' Twas on the 
bank of the Peacus river. Thar was a young man named 
Jeames Hambrick along, and another young feller, he got 
to fooling with his pistil, and he shot Jeames. He was a 
good young man and hadn't a enemy in the company ; we 
buried him thar on the Peacus river we did, and as we went 
ofi", these here lines sorter passed through my mind." So 
saying, Mr. Mudge rose, drew from his pocket — his waistcoat 



MELANCHOLY ACCIDENT. DEATH OP A YOUNG IVIAN. 131 

pocket — a crumpled piece of paper, and handed it over. Then 
he drew from his coat-tail pocket a large cotton handkerchief 
with a red ground and yellow figure, slowly unfolded it, blew 
his nose — an awful blast it was — wiped his eyes, and disap- 
peared. We publish Mr. Mudge's lines, with the remark, 
that any one who says they have no poets or poetry in Ar- 
kansas, would doubt the existence of William Shakspeare : 



DIRGE OIT THE DETH OF JEAMES HAMBEICK. 

By Me. Oeiok W. Mijdge, Esq. 



it was on June the tenth 
our hearts were very sad 
for it was by an awfull accident 
we lost a fine young lad 

Jeames Hambrick was his name 
and alas it was his lot 
to you I teU the same 

he was accidently shot 

« 

on the peacus river side 
the sun was very hot 
and its there he fell and died 
where he was accidently shot 

on the road his character good 
without a stain or blot 
and in our opinions growed 
until he was accidently shot 



132 MELANCHOLY ACCIDENT. — ^DEATH OF A yOUNQ MAN. 

a fe-w "words only he spoke 
for moments he had not 
and only then he seemed to choke 
I was accidently shot 

T^e wrape d him in a blanket good 
for coffin we had not 
and then we buried him where he stood 
when he was accidently shot 

and as we stood around his grave 
our tears the ground did blot 
we prayed to god his soul to save 
he was accidently shot 

This 13 all, but I writ at the time a epitaff which I think ia 
short and would do to go over his grave : — 



here lies the body of Jeamcs Hambrick 

who was accidently shot 

on the bank of the peacus river 

by a young man 

he was accidently shot with one of the large size colt's revolver 
with no stopper for the cock to rest on it was one of the old 
fashion kind brass mounted and of sucli is the kingdom of heaven. 

truly yourn 

Okion "W Mudge Esq 



SECOND EDITION! 



Such has been the demand for the back numbers of the 
" Phoenix " Herald, that our editions have been entirely ex- 
hausted, and we have at last concluded to have the whole of 
them stereotyped. "We have now seven hundred and eighty- 
two Indians employed night and day in mixing adobe for the 
type moulds, and as no suitable metal is to be found in San 
Diego, to cast the stereotypes, we have engaged 324,000 ball 
cartridges, from the Mission, for the sake of the lead. A very 
serious accident came near occurring in our office this morn- 
ing, owing to the ignition of a cartridge, caused by friction, 
resulting from the rapid manner in which it was unrolled, but 
fortunately we escaped, with slight loss, one of our composi- 
tors having had his leg fractured jast above the knee joint. 
The injured member was promptly and neatly taken off by 
" Phoenix," with a broad-axe in 2.46, and the sufferer is now 
doing well and engaged in setting type with his teeth. Our 



134 THE PHCENIX PICTORIAL. 

steam roller presses having failed to arrive (owing to the non- 
arrival of the Goliah, as a matter of course), we have been 
obliged to work off the Pictorial Herald on our solitary 
Power Press. 

" The Press is a tremendous engine." "We have two 
tremendous Indians working at ours. Four men remove the 
papers as fast as printed, and forming a line to the outer door, 
four boys distribute them from the gallery to the excited 
crowd below. 

Nothing is heard but the monotonous lioup ! hank! of 
the Indians, as in a cloud of steam of their own manufacture, 
they strike off the paper. Nothing can be seen without but 
a shower of quarters, bits, and dimes darkening the air as 
they are thrown from the purchasers. Fourteen bushels and 
three pecks of silver have been received since we commenced 
distribution, and the cry is still they come. 



THIED EDITION!! 

AND LATEST NEWSIl 
Fatal Accident! 

A MELANCHOLY accident has just taken place. A fleshy 
gentleman had received a copy of the " Pictorial," and retired 
to the foot of the Flag-staff to peruse it. He had glanced 
over the first column, when he was observed to grow black in 
the face. A bystander hastened to seize him by the collar, 
but it was too late ! Exploding with mirth, he was scattered 
into a thousand fragments, one of which striking him, proba- 
bly inflicted some fatal injury,* as he immediately expired, 
having barely time to remove his hat, and say in a feeble 
voice, " Give this to Phoenix." A large back tooth lies on 
the table before us, driven through the side of the office with 
fearful violence at the time. of the explosion. We have 
enclosed it to his widow with a letter of condolence. The 
name of the unfortunate man was Muggins ! 



FOURTH EDITIOI!!! 

The Very Latest!!! 

Mks. Muggins has just been picking up the fragments oi 
the deceased in a hand-basket. "We omitted to state that the 
tooth had been filled by Dr. R. E. Cole, Dentist, whose ad- 
vertisement may be found in another column ! In her frantic 
agony the bereaved widow has accused us of purloining the 
gold. A terrible scene has ensued in our office, in conse- 
quence — after much recrimination between us, we have been 
atrociously " clapper-clawed " by Mrs. Muggins ! 



A LITTLE MORE FOR THE YERY LAST!! 




After great exertion the fragments have been put together 

by Dr. H , and the Muggins family have retired to theii 

home, each bearing a copy of the " Pictorial," in triumph 
before them. Old Muggins has presented us with the tooth, 
and it may be seen at our office. 



THE 

BAN FKANCISCO ANTIQUAEIAN SOCIETY, 

AND 

CALIFORNIA ACADE:\IY OF ARTS AND SCIENCES. 

Pursuant to notice, a large and respectable number of those 
of our citizens interested in the advancement of the arts and 
sciences in California, assembled in the large hall over the 
Union Hotel, at 8 o'clock on Thursday evening, the 31st of 
June ult. 

The meeting having come to order, was organized by our 
distinguished fellow-citizen, Dr. Keensarvey, being called to 
the chair, and the appointment of A. Cove, Esq. as Secretary 

The chairman then rose, and in that lucid style which 
ever characterizes his public Addresses, briefly explained the 
object of the meeting: — It had been urged, he said, and he 
feared with too much justice, by our scientific friends in the 
Eastern States, that the inhabitants of California, residing in a 
country which opens to the Geologist, the Ethnologist, the 
Mineralogist, the Botanist, the Taxidermist, the Antiquarian, 



THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY. 139 

tlie Historian, the Philosopher and, in short, the Savant, the 
richest and most unexampled field on the face of the globe, 
or elsewhere, for their labors, were entirely regardless of 
their privileges in this respect, utterly absorbed in the pur- 
suit of gain , and while excavating from the bowels of the 
earth its auriferous deposits in sufficient quantity, they cared 
not, to use a forcible illustration, the execration of a tinker, 
for those sciences in the pursuit of which they could alone 
fine' a rational manner of expending their accumulated 
wealth. 

Was it possible that this could be the case ? Had we 
not among us men of science, of liberality, of intelligence ? 
(Cries of " Yes, Yes ! " from the meeting, and " Si Senor " 
from a Castilian Savant in a glazed hat and judicious state of 
spiritual elevation.) Had we not in our midst many who,, 
having acquired a sufficiency of worldly wealth, now wished 
to find among the treasures of science, that calm satisfaction 
which the possession of no amount of " diner o " can possibly 
aiford ? (Tumultuous shouts of " Yes, yes ! Seguro ! Si Senor," 
and a voice, " Whar is he ? ") — Yes, gentlemen, it was the 
pride and pleasure of the Chairman to believe that such was 
the case ; and it was in the hope of being able to hurl back 
the aspersions of the Savants of the east, that this meeting 
was called together ; it was with the hope of forming a per- 
manent, scientific, California Association, composed of such 
material as cannot be found elsewhere, and whose researches 
and transactions should be read with mingled emotions of 
astonishment, delight and envy, by every enlightened lover of 



140 THE SAN FEANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY. 

science, from the eastern end of tlie North Farraleone Island, 
proceeding easterly, to the western end of the same. (Loud 
applause — cries of "Good! bon! bueno ! " broke from the 
meeting, and a deep moan of acquiescence from the Castilian 
Savant, Tvho, with the glazed hat partially shrouding his 
massive intellectual developments, had become slightly som- 
nolent.) 

The applause consequent upon this beautiful effort of the 
Chairman having subsided, Mr. B. S. Bags rose toad dress the 
Chair : — 

He had not the advantage of an early education — not 
much, he hadn't ; but ho read a good deal, and liked it ; and 
he dare say now, that if the truth had been found out, he 
knowed a great deal more than some of those filosifers at the 
east. He wanted to see science go on in California. He had 
a considerable interest in the place, and expected to spend his 
days thar. He was now fifty-three years old ; he come out 
here twenty-three years ago as Steward of a Whale ship, and 
he run away and turned Doctor. (Laughter ; cries of " Hush, 
hush ! ") But he married a Californy widder, with a large 
ranch ; and he had, when the gold mines broke out, made his 
*' pile " — he had over three hundred thousand dollars, and he 
didn't care who knowed it. He meant to devote the in- 
terest of the same to learning science. (Uproarious applause 
. — cries of " Go it ! that's the pint ! " and " Carrambas ! ") 
He had three daughters, and he meant each on em should be 
a scientific man (loud applause) ; one of em wore gree^ q)sca 
aow, (immense applause accompanied by a cry of ^' Hep — alik ' " 



THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY. 141 

from a person in a wliite hat and blue blanket coat, who hav- 
ing evidently mistaken his place, was requested by the Chair 
to leave at once — but he didn't do it). Order being restored, 
Mr. Bags went on to say, that he had money enough, and 
had gin up trading stock, and began to study science for it- 
self. He had bought a " Mahomedon," and could tell how 
hot it was any time; he had examined the "Ah teasing'* 
well in the square, and knew somethiug about Hydrocianics 
from a contemplation of scientific structures. By reading the 
papers daily, particularly the " Alta California," he found all 
sorts of new matters which he supposed give him considera- 
ble idea of " New Mattix; " but above all, having seen in the 
papers from the States an account of the " Bosilist pendulum " 
and its application to the Bunker Hill Monument, by which 
it showed how the earth turned round from east to west, he 
had ever since for three hours each dvij, watched the Flag- 
staff on the Plaza, and he could assure the meeting that when 
tlie flag was trailed it always flew out to the West, and when 
it was histed the rope always bent out to the East — (" Hear ! 
Hear !) — Gentlemen might say it was the wind that did 
it, but what made the wind ? If any gentleman here had 
ever rid out to the Mission on a calm day (" Hear ! " from a 
Savant who kept a Livery Stable in Kearney Street), he must 
have felt a breeze blowing in his face. Well ! he made that 
wind, he did, ao;oinoc ! and it was the earth that made the 
wind by turning around in just the same way. (Deep impres- 
sion produced : low remarks, " we must examine this ! Bags ia 
a triimp, &c.") 



142 THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY. 

Mr. Bags concluded that lie Liad took up a good deal of 
time, but he hoped that a society would he formed, and that 
he would pay his share towards it (applause), and more too 
(loud applause) ; he hoped he would be able to do more : — he 
was now reading a paper in Silliman's Journal on the " Hor- 
izontal Paralysis " with its effects on the " Cellular system," 
and he hoped to get some ideas out of it which he would 
adapt to California; and if he should, the society should have 
the benefit of it. Mr. Bags here sat down amid prolonged 
and continued cheering. 

Barney Braglagan was now loudly called for, but not ap- 
pearing, the meeting was addressed by several of our most 
scientific citizens, the tendency of whose remarks was entire- 
ly and unreservedly in favor of the formation of a permanent 
society; and the meeting being wound up to the highest 
state of scientific excitement, it was unanimously — Resolved : 
That this meeting resolve itself into a permanent scientific 
association, to be known as the " San Francisco Antiqua- 
rian Society and California Academy of Arts and Sciences," 
and immediately enter into correspondence with all learned 
and scientific associations on the face of the earth. 

Immediately after the passage of the above resolution, a 
committee, consisting of Br. Keensarvey, A. Cove, and James 
Calomel, M. B., were appointed to prepare a constitution for 
the society. Leaving the hall, they immediately repaired to 
the saloon of the California Exchange ; when returning in 
seven minutes and five seconds (mean solar time), they sub- 
mitted the following draft of a constitution, which was 
adopted by acclamation : 



THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY. 143 

Article I. The ofl&cers of this Society shall consist of a 
President, Corresponding Secretary, Eecording Secretary, 
Treasurer and Librarian, who shall he elected annually, by 
ballot. 

Article II. The objects of this Society shall comprise 
inquiries into every thing in the remotest degree scientific 
or artful. 

Article III. The Society shall consist of members, 
corresponding members and honorary members. The first to 
be persons residing in California; the two last to include 
both persons and residents of any other place on the face of 
the globe, or elsewhere. 

Article IY. There shall be an annual payment of one 
hundred dollars, in City, County, or State scrip, by each 
member residing in the City of San Franscisco, or its 
vicinity. 

The Society now proceeded to the election of officers 
for the ensuing year, with the following result : President, 
Dr. Keensarvey; Yice-President, M. Quelque Chose; Cor- 
responding Secretary, Gr. Squibob ; Eecording Secretary, A. 
Cove; Treasurer, Buck S. Bags; Librarian, the Consul for 
Ireland, ex-off. 

On motion, the Treasurer received permission from the 
Society to apply to the City Council for liberty to stack the 
scrip forming the funds of the association upon the Plaza 
under cover of a Tarpaulin. 

On motion, committees were appointed to report at the 
first meeting of the Society, on the following subjects 



144 THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY 

namely: 1st. Antupity; 2d. Geology; od. Toxioology; 
4tli. Ethuology ; all as applicable to California. 

On motion tlic procecdiDgs of this meeting, and tbo 
future transactions of the Society shall be published in the 
San Francisco Daily Alta Californian, Silliman's Journal, 
the Boston Olive Branch, and the extra documents accom- 
panyiug the President's annual message. 

On motion, the Society adjourned to hold its first regular 
meeting on Thursday evening, July 15, in the remains of the 
old Adobe building anciently standing on the north-west 
corner of the Plaza. 

Immediately on adjournment the several committees 
entered with zeal upon their various duties : 

The Committee on Antiquities left at once, in the night 
boat, for Yallejo, the residence of their Chairman, who had 
informed them of the existence at that place of some speci- 
mens of a substance termed " Old Monongahela ■' lately dis- 
covered by a scientific gentleman residing at the Capitol ; 
— the Committee on Geology were seen eagerly inquiring 
for the omnibus for Yer])a Buena Island ; that on Ethnology 
appointed a sub-committee for the City of San Francisco, 
and made arrangements for the departure of its main body 
to the upper coimties of the State, for the purpose of holding 
interviews with the primitive inhabitants, while the Castilian 
savant in the glazed hat, who had been appointed Chairman 
of the Committee on Toxicology, repaired incontinently to a 
drinking saloon, where he commenced a series of experiments 
in hydrostatics, with the endeavor to ascertain the quantity 



TIIE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY. 145 

of fluid possible to be raised from a glass in a given time, by 
a straw applied to his mouth, which resulted so much to his 
satisfaction that he was seen to emerge therefrom at four 
o'clock on the following morning, in a high state of pleasur- 
able excitement, chanting huskily as he meandered down the 
street, that highly refreshing Mexican anthem — 



" Castro vione — en poce tiempo 
Cuidado los Americanos." 



G. Squibob, 
Cor. Sec. S. F. A. S. and G. A. A, 8, 

San Francisco July 10, 1861 
7 



A. COYE, 
Sec^y pro iem. 



THE LADIES RELIEF SOCIETY. 

EXTRAORDINARY PROCEEDINGS !!— SCANDALOUS TREAT. 
MENT OF "OUR REPORTER I** 

Editor of the 

San Fkancisco, July 12. 

Learning tliat a meeting of the " Ladies' Relief Society " 
was to be held this morning, at Pine Church, on Baptist 
Street, your Reporter, actuated by a desire to discharge his 
duty to the public by collecting valuable information, and 
incited by a laudable curiosity to ascertain -what on earth 
the ladies desired to be relieved from (on which last point he 
obtained the most complete satisfaction, as will appear), re- 
paired to that sacred edifice, and ensconsing himself in a 
pew conveniently situated, in case of a sudden retreat be- 
coming expedient, near the door, patiently awaited the com- 
mencement of the proceedings. 

At half past nine, A. M. precisely, as I ascertained by 
reference to the magnificent silver watch, valued at $18, 
which I did not draw in Tobin and Duncan's grand raffle, 



147 



yesterday, but which, " on the contrary, quite the reverse," 
was bestowed on me by my deceased Grandmother (excuse 
the digression ; I am approaching a painful subject and like to 
do it gradually), the ladies began to assemble in their beauty, 
and, I regret to add, their strength. From the somewhat 
inconvenient position which, from motives of delicacy and a 
desire to avoid the appearance of intrusion, I had assumed 
on the floor of the pew, I counted fifty-two of the " sweeten- 
ers of our cup of human happiness," of every age, figure and 
appearance. There was the maid of blushing sixteen, and 
there was the widow of sixty, dressed in all imaginable styles 
of colors — white hats, red shawls, chip bonnets, green aprons 
and pink colored boots. 

The Pine Church looked like a conservatory, and as I 
lay perdue, like an innocent (green) snake among the flowers, 
listening to the merry laugh and innocent playful gurglings 
of delight that fell from their hundred and four lips." — How'd 
do, dear ? " My ! what a love of a bonnet ! " " What did you 
draw, Fanny ? " " Is Lizzy going to marry that fellow ? " 
&c., I thought that " my lines were cast in very pleasant 
places, and that I had a goodly heritage." How painfully 
was I undeceived ; how totally was I engulfed ! (a prefer- 
able mode of expression — that ' engulfed ' — to the common 
but indelicate one of " sucked in)." but I will not anticipate 

As the town clock struck ten, the doors were closed, and 
a lady of mature age and benign though unyielding expres' 
sion (I do you justice. Madam, though you havn't used me 
well), ascended the steps of the pulpit, and taking from the 



148 THE ladies' relief society. 

desk a fireman's speaking trumpet that laid tliereou, slie 
smote au awful blow upon a copy of tlie sacred scriptures, 
and vociferated through the brazen instrument, '■'■ Order I ''^ 
Conversation ceased, laughter was hushed, and with the ex- 
ception of an irrepressible murmur and a subdued snicker 
from your reporter, as some charming being exclaimed, soito 
voce, " don't pinch me," silence reigned profound. " Ladies," 
said the President, " you are aware of the object of this meet- 
ing. Tied down by the absurd prejudices of society ; tram- 
melled by the shackles of custom and unworthy superstition ; 
we have found it necessary to form ourselves into a society, 
whore, free from the intrusion of execrable man; aloof from 
his jealous scrutiny, whether as father, brother, or that still 
more objectionable character of husband, we may throw off 
restraint, exert our natural liberty, and seek relief from the 
tedious and odious routine of duty imposed upon us in our 
daily walk of life. Any motion is in order." 

At this instant, while my wondering gaze was attracted by 
an elderly female in a Tuscan bonnet and green veil, who, 
drawing a black pint bottle from the pocket of her dress, 
proceeded to take a '' snifter " therefrom, with vast appa- 
rent satisfaction, and then tendered it to the lady that sat next 
(a sweet little thing in a Dunstable, with cherry-coiorcd rib- 
bons), a lady rose and said — " Mrs. President : I move that 
a committee of one be appointed to send a servant to Batty 
and Parrens, for fifty- two brandy sma sliest A thrill of hor- 
ror ran through my veins ; I rose mechanically to my feet ; 
exclaimed " gracious goodness ! " and fell, in a fainting con- 



149 



dition, against the back of tlie pew. It was my Susan ! J 
You remember the instant that intervenes between the flash 
of the lightning and the ensuing thunder clap : — for an in- 
stant there was silence, dead silence — ^you might have heard 
a paper of pins fall — then " at once there rose so wild a yell," 
" a man ! a man ! " they cried, and a scene of hubbub and 
confusion ensued that beggars description. The venerable 
female in the Tuscan shyed the pint bottle at my head — the 
little thing in the Dunstable gave me a back-handed wipe 
with a parasol, and for an instant my life was in positive 
danger from the shower of fans, hymn-books and other missiles 
that fell around mo. " Put him out, Martha," said an old 
lady to a lovely being in a blue dress in an adjacent pew — 
" I shan't," was the reply, " I haven't been introduced to him." 
" Wretched creature," said the President in an awful voice, 
" who are you ? " " Reporter for the AUa " rose to my throat, 
but my lips refused their utterance. " Y/hat do you want ? " 
she continued, — '' I want to go home," I feebly articulated. 
" Put him out ! " she rejoined ; and before I could think, much 
less expostulate, I was pounced upon by two strong-minded 
women, and found myself walking rapidly down Baptist street, 
with the impression of a number three gaiter boot on my cloth- 
ing about ten inches below the two ornamental buttons upon 
the small of my back. From this latter circumstance, I have 
formed the impression that the little thing with the Dunsta- 
ble and cherry-colored ribbons assisted at my elimination. 

j^.nd now, Mr. Editor, what are we to think of this? 
Does it not give rise to very serious reflections, that a society 



ir)0 TllK T.APIKS' KKT.IEF SOCIETY. 

should oxist iu our vorv mulj^t of so nefarious but indig* 

iialiou is \isoIoss, '* I cannot do justioo to the subject." 
KuHlod in disposition, ^YOunded to the heart in tlio best aud 
most saered feelings of my common nature, lean only subscribo 
mvself. Your outraged Reporter, 



INAUGURATION OF THE NEW COLLEC^ 
TOR !— TREMENDOUS EXCITEMENT. I I 

OUIENTAL IfoiKL, HA7< Fj'.ANCISCO. 

Pahhing up Montgomery street yesterday afternoon, between 
3 and 4 o'clock, my attention was attracted by a little gentle- 
man with a small moustache, who rushed hastily past me, and 
turning down Commercial street sought to escape observation 
by plunging among the crowd of drays that perpetually tan- 
gle up Long Wharf. Though slightly lame, he had passed 
mc with a speed that may have been equalled, but for a man 
of his size could never have been excelled ; and his look of 
frantic terror — his countenance, wild, pallid with apprehen- 
sion, as I caught for an instant his horror-stricken gaze, I 
shall never forget. I had turned partly around to watch his 
flight, when with a sudden shock I was borne hurriedly 
alon^.^, and in an instant found myself struggling and plung- 
ing in the midst of a mighty crowd who were evidently in hot 
pursuit. There were old men young men and maidens, — at 



152 INAUGURATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR. 

least I presume tliey were maidens, but it was no time for 
close scrutiny; — there were Frcnclimen, Englishmen, China- 
men, and every other description of men ; gentlemen with 
spectacles and gentlemen who were spectacles to behold ; men 
with hats and men without hats ; an angry sea of moustaches, 
coat-tails and hickory shirts, with here and there a dash of 
foam in the way of a petticoat ; and all pouring and rushing 
down Long Wharf with me in the midst, like a bewildered 
gander in a mill race. 

There was no shouting — a look of stern and gloomy de- 
termination sat on the countenance of each individual ; and 
save an occasional muttered ejaculation of " There he goes ! " 
" I see him ! " we rushed on in horrid silence. 

A sickly feeling came over me as the conviction that I 
was in the midst of the for-famed and dreaded Vigilance 
Committee, settled on my mind ; here was I, borne along 
with them, an involuntary and unwilling member — I, a life 
member of the Anti-Capital Punishment Scociety, and author 
of the little work called " Peace, or Directions for the use of 
the Sword as a Pruning Hook," who never killed a fly in 
my life — ^here I was, probably about to countenance, by my 
presence, the summary execution of the unhappy little cul- 
prit with the small moustache, who, for aught I knew to the 
contrary, might be as immaculate as Brigham Young him- 
self 

What would Brother G reeley say to see me now ? But it 
was no time for reflection. " Onward we drove in dreadful 
race, pursuers and pursued," over boxes, bales, drays and 



INAUGURATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOK. 153 

horses ; the Jews screamed and shut their doors as they sa-W 
us coming; there was a shower of many-bladed knives, 
German silver pencils, and impracticable pistols, as the show- 
cases flew wildly in the air. It was a dreadful scene. I am 
not a fleshy man — that is, not particularly fleshy — but an 
old villain with a bald head and spectacles, punched me in 
the abdomen ; I lost my breath, closed my eyes, and remem- 
ber nothing further. On recovering my faculties, I found 
myself jammed up flat against a sugar box, like a hoe cake, 
with my head protruding over the top in the most uncomfort- 
able manner, and apparently the weight of the whole crowd 
(amounting by this time to some six thousand) pressed against 
me, keeping me inextricably in my position. Here for an 
instant I caught a glimpse of a Stockton boat just leaving the 
wharf ; — then every thing was obscured by a sudden shower 
of something white, and then burst from the mob a deep and 
melancholy howl, prolonged, terrific, hideous. I wrenched 
myself violently from the sugar box,' and confronted a seedy- 
looking individual with a battered hat ; in his hand he held a 
crumpled paper, and on his countenance sat the gloom of des- 
pair. " In the name of heaven," I gasped, " what is this ? " 
" He has escaped," he replied, with a deep groan. " What 
has he done ? " said I ; " who is the criminal ? " " Done," 
said he of the seedy garments, turning moodily away, " noth- 
ing — it is the new Collector ! I ! He's off to Stockton." The 
crowd dispersed ; slowly and sadly they all walked off. I 
looked over the side of the wharf. I am not given to exag- 
geration. You will believe me when I tell you that the sea 



15 -i rXAUGURATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR. 

was wliite with letters that had been thrown by that crowd 
for miles it was white with them, and fiir out in the stream hei 
wheels tilled with letter paper, her shafts elogged with dissolv- 
ing wafers, lay the Stockton boat. On her upper deck, in a 
frenzied agony, danced the Pilot, his hand grasping his shat- 
tered jaw. An office-seeker had thrown a letter attached to 
a stone, which had dislodged four of his front teeth ! x\s I 
gazed, the steamer's wheels began to move. At her after- 
cabin window appeared a nose above a small moustache, a 
thiuub and fingers twinkled for an instant in the sun-light, 
and she was gone. I walked up the wharf, and gazed rue- 
fully on my torn clothing and shattered boots, which had 
sufiered much in this struggle of democracy. " Thank God I 
Oh, Squibob," said I, " that you are a fool, or what amounts 
to the same thing in these times — a Whig — and have no of- 
fices to dispense, and none to seek for. Yerily, the aphorism 
of Scripture is erroneous : It should read, It is equally 
citJ'sed to give as to receive.^'' 

I repaired to my own room at the Oriental. Passing the 
chamber of the Collector, I espied within, the chambermaid, 
an interesting colored person named Nancy. Now I used to 
have an unworthy prejudice against the colored race ; but 
since reading that delightful and truthful work, "Uncle 
Stowe's Log," my sympathies are with them, and I have 
rather encouraged a Platonic attachment for Nancy, which 
had been engendered between us by numerous acts of civility 
on my part and amiability on hers. So I naturally stopped 
to speak to her. She stood tip to her middle in unopened 



INAUGURATION OF TIIE NEW COLLECTOR. 155 

letters. There munt have been on tijo floor of that room 
eightoon thouHand unopened letter;-]. The monthly mail 
from tlie EaHt would be notliing to it. " Mr. Hquibo?),'* 
fiald Naney, with a Hweet Kmile, "in you got airy nhovel ? " 
" No, Nancy," Baid I ; " why do you want a hhovel ? " " To 
clar out deHC yere letterH," Baid Bhe; "do Collccker Bald I 
rriuHS frow dern all away; he don't want no Huch trash about 
him." A thought Btruek mo. I hastened to my room, 
seized a Blop-pail, returned and filled it with letters, opened 
them, read them, and selected a few, which strike mo as pe- 
culiarly deserving. If tltc Collector reads the Herald — and I 
know he " does nothing else " — these must attract his atten- 
tion, and the object of the writers will be attained. Here 
they are. Of course, I suppress the dates and signatures ; 
the authors will doubtless be recognized by their peculiar 
styles; and the time and place at which they were v/rittcn ia 
<[\i\Ui immaterial. 

NO. I. 

Mv Dear Friend : — I presume you will be perfectly 
siHroanded this morning, as usual, by a crowd of heartless 
office-seekers ; I therefore take this method of addressing you. 
I thank God, I want no office for myself or others. You 
have known rac for years, and have never known me to do 
a mean or dishonorable action. I saw W up at Stock- 
ton the other day, and he is very anxious that I should bo 
appouated Inspector of Steamboats. He said that I needed 
It, and deserved it, and that he hoped you would give it to 



156 INAUGURATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR. 

me; but I told him I was no office-seeker — I should nevei 
ask you for any office. He said he would write to you about 
it. Please write to me as soon as you receive this, care of 
Parry & Batten. 

Your affectionate friend 



P. S. — My friend John Smith, who you know is a true 
Pierce & King man, is anxious to get the appointment of 
Weigher and Guager of Macaroni. He is an excellent fel- 
low, and a true friend of yours. I hope, whether you can 
spare an Inspectorship for me or not, you will give Smith a 
chance. 



iTO. n. 

My Dear Sir : — Allow me to congratulate you on your 
success in obtaining your wishes. I have called twice to see 
you, but have not been able to find you in. You were kind 
enough to assure me, before leaving for Washington, that. I 
might depend upon your friendship. I think it very im- 
probable that I shall be re-nominated. The water-front Ex- 
tension project has not been received with that favor that I 
expected, and what with Roman and the Whigs and that 

d d Herald, I feel very doubtful. You will oblige me by 

retaining in your possession, until after the Convention, the 
office of to the Custom House. I must look about me to 



INArGURATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR. 157 

command the means of subsistence. I will see you again on 
this subject. 

* Very truly yours, 



P. S. — My young friend, Mr. John Brown, wishes to be 
made Inspector of Vermicelli. He is a pure Democrat 
dyed in the wool, and I trust in making your appointments 
you will not overlook his claims. Brown tells me he con- 
siders himself almost a relative of yours. His aunt used to 
go to school with your father. She frequently writes to him, 
and always speaks of you with great esteem. 



ITO. III. 

MoN Amie : — I ave been ver malade since that I hav ar- 
rive, I ver muche thank you for you civilite on la vapor which 
we come ici, juntos. The peoples here do say to me, you si 
pued give to me the littel offices in you customs house. I 
wish if si usted gustan you me shall make to be Inspectors 
de cigarritos, Je Y entends muy bien. Come to me see. 

Countess de 

Mister Jos6 Jones he say wish to be entree clerky. You 
mucho me oblige by make him do it. 



158 INAtJGUIlATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR. 



NO. IV. 

The following was evidently dictated by some belligerent 
old Democrat to an amanuensis, who appears not to have got 
precisely the ideas intended : 

Sir : — I have been a dimocrat of the »Tackson School 
thank God for twenty years. If you sir had been erected to 
an orifice by the pusillanimous sufi'erings of the people as I 
was onst I would have no clam but sir you are appointed by 
Pierce for whom I voted and King who is dead as Julia's 
sister and I expectorate the office for which my friends will 
ask you sir I am a plane man and wont the orifice of Prover 
and taster of Brandy and wish you write to me at the Nian- 
tic where I sick three days and have to write by a young 
gentleman or come to see me before eleven o'clock when I 
generally get sick Yours 

P. S. My young man mr. Peter Stokes I request may be 
made inspector of pipes. 



NO. V. 

Mr. Colected H . Detor 

Elizer Muggins 

fore dosen peaces $12 . . 

Receat pament. 



INAUGURATION OP THE NEW COLLECTOR. 159 

Mister Colected My husban Mikel Muggins will wish 
me write you no matur for abuv if you make him inspector 
in yore custom hous, he always vote for Jackson and Scott 
and all the Dimocrats and he vote for Bugler and go for ex- 
tension the waser works which I like very much. You will 
much oblige by call and settel this one way or other. 

ELIZIR MUGGINS. 

Mike wants Mr. Timothy flaherty, who was sergent in 
Pirces regiment and held Pirces hoss when he rared and 
throwed him to be a inspector too hes verry good man. 

E. M. 



NO. YI. 

Sir : — I have held for the last four years the appointment 
of Surveyor of Shellfish in the Custom House, and have done 
my duty and understand it. I have been a Whig, but never 
interfered in politics, and should have voted for Pierce — it 
was my intention — but a friend by mistake gave me a wrong 
ballot, and I accidentally put it in, having been drinking a 
little. Dear sir, I hope you will not dismiss me ; no man in 
this city understands a clam as I do, and I shall be very 
much indebted to you to keep my office for the present 
though have much finer off'ers but don't wish at present to 
accept. 

Very respectfully, 



160 INAUGURATION OP THE NEW COLLECTOR. 

P. S. — Mj friend Mr. Thomas Styles wishes to keep his 
office. Dear sir, he is Inspector of Eaccoon Oysters ; he 13 
an excellent gentleman, and though they call him a Whig I 
think dear sir, there is great doubt. I hope you'll keep U3 
"both ; it's very hard to get good Inspectors who understand 
shell-fish. 



So much for to-day. If any gentleman incited by a laud- 
able curiosity wishes to peruse more of these productions, let 
him proceed to Telegraph Hill, and on the summit of th« 
tower at the extremity of the starboard yard-arm, in the dis- 
charge of his duty will be found, always ready, attentive, 
courteous and obliging, 

SQUIBOB. 



SQUIBOB ABHOKS STREET I]^TRODUC- 
TIONS. 

No matter of local interest having occurred, worthy the 
pen of history, since the return of the " Congressional 
Rifles " from their target excursion at San Mateo, I propose 
to devote a few moments to the reprobation of an uncom- 
fortable custom prevalent in this city, to an alarming extent, 
and which if persisted in, strikes me as calculated to destroy 
public confidence, and, to use an architectural metaphor, shake 
the framework of society to its very piles. I allude to the 
pernicious habit which every body seems to have adopted, of 
making general, indiscriminate and public introductions. 
You meet Brown on Montgomery street : " Good morning, 
Brown ; " " How are you. Smith ? " " Let me introduce ;, ou 
to Mr. Jones " — and you forthwith shake hands with a seedy 
individual, who has been boring Brown for the previous hour, 
for a small loan probably — an individual you never saw be- 



162 SQUmOB ABHORS STREET INTRODUCTIONS. 

fore, never had tlie sliglitest desire to see, and never wish to 
see again. Being naturally of an arid disposition, and per- 
haps requiring irrigation at that particular moment, you 
unguardedly invite Brown, and your new friend Jones of 
course, to step over to Parry and Batten's, and imbibe. 
What is the consequence ? The miscreant Jones introduces 
you to fifteen more equally desirable acquaintances, and in 
two minutes from the first introduction there you are, with 
seventeen newly formed friends, all of whom " take sugar in 
their'n," at your expense. 

This is invading a man's quarters with a vengeance. But 
this is not the worst of it. Each gentleman to whom you 
have been introduced, wherever you may meet thereafter, in 
billiard room, tenpin alley, hot house or church, introduces 
you to somebody else, and so the list increases in geometrical 
progression, like the sum of money, which Colman in his 
arithmetic informs us the gentleman paid for the horse, with 
such a number of nails in his shoes — a story which in early 
childhood I remember to have implicitly believed. In this 
manner you form a crowd of acquaintances, of the majority 
of whom you recollect neither names nor faces, but being con- 
tinually assailed by bows and smiles on all sides, from un- 
known gentlemen, you are forced, to avoid the appearance of 
rudeness, to go bowing and smirking down the street, like a 
distinguished character in a public procession, or one of those 
graven images at Tobin & Duncan's, which are eternally 
wagging their heads with no definite object in view. This 
custom is peculiarly embarrassing in other respects. If you 



SQUIBOB ABHORS STREET INTRODUCTIONS. 163 

are so unfortnnate as to possess an indifferent memory for 
names, and a decided idiosyncrasy for forgetting faces, you 
are continually in trouble as to the amount of familiarity 
with which to receive the salutation of some unknown indi- 
vidual to whom you have been introduced, and who persists 
in remembering all about you, though you have utterly for- 
gotten him. 

Only the other day, at the Oriental Hotel, I met an 
elderly gentleman, who bowed to me in the most pleasant 
manner as I entered the bar-room. I wasn't quite sure, but 
I thought I had been introduced to him at Pat Hunt's ; so, 
walking up, I seized him familiarly by one hand, and slapping 
him on the shoulder with the other, exclaimed, " How are 
you old cock ? " I shall not soon forget his suspicious glance, 
as muttering, " Old Cock, sir! " he turned indignantly away; 
nor my confusion at learning shortly after, that I had thus 
irreverently addressed the Rev. Aminadab Sleek, Chairman 
of the " Society for Propagating the Heathen in California," 
to whom I had brought a letter of introduction from Mrs. 
Harriet Bitcher Stowe. On the same day I met and ad- 
dressed, with a degree of distant respect almost amounting to 
veneration, an individual whom I afterwards ascertained to 
be the husband of my washerwoman — a discovery which I 
did not make until I had inquired most respectfully after his 
family, and promised to call at an early day to see them. 

There are very few gentlemen in San Francisco, to whom 
I should dislike to be introduced, but it is not to gentlemen 
alone, unhappily, to whom this introduction mania is confined. 



iCi SQVIBOB ABIIOKS STREET INTRODUCTIONS. 

Evorvbody introduces ovorvbody else ; your tailor, your 
barlior, and your !*hocmakor, doom it their duty to introduce 
von to all their numerous and by no means select circle of 
aci;iuaiutauce. An unfortunate friend of mine, T — hf — 1 

J s, tells mo that, stopping near the Union Hotel the 

other day to have his boots blacked by a Frenchman, ho -svas 
introduced by that exile, during the operation, to thirty-eight 
of his compatriots, owing to which piece of civility he is now 
sutl'ering with a cutaneous disorder, and has been ri ihvic-cd, 

icid, and g d erer since, to that degree that he hates the 

sight of a French roll, and daums the memory of the great 
Napoleon. 

My own circle of acquaintance is not hu'gc; but if I had 
a dollar for every introduction I have received during the 
last six weeks I should be able to back up the Baron in one 
of his magniticent schemes, or purchase the entire establish- 
ment of the Herald office. 

But I have said quite enough to prove the absurdity of 
indiscriminate introductions. Hoping, therefore, that you 
will excuse my introduction of the subject, and that "Winn 
won't make an advertisement out of this article, 

I remain, as ever, yours f:iithfully. 



SQUIBOB AT THE PLAY. 

ANOTllEli SQUIBOB IN THE FIELD. 

Sax Feanckco, June 10, 1853. 

The sympathies of the community have been strongly ex- 
cited within the last few days in favor of an unfortunate 
gentleman of the Hebrew persuasion, on whom the officers 
of the Golden Gate perpetrated a most inhuman atrocity, 
during her late trip from Panama. I gather from informa* 
tion of indignant passengers, and by contemplation of an 
affecting appeal to the public, posted in the form of a hand- 
bill at the corners of the streets, that this gentleman was 
forced, by threats and entreaties, to do violence to his feel- 
ings and constitution, by eating his way through a barrel {not 
a half barrel, as has been stated by interested individuals^ 
anxious to palliate the atrocious deed) of clear pork ! The 
hand-bill alluded to is headed by a graphic and well-exe- 
cuted sketch by Solomon Ben David, a distinguished artist 
of this city, and represents the unhappy sufferer as ho 



166 SQTJIBOB AT TIIE PLAY. 

emerged from tlie barrel after liis oleaginous repast, in the 
act of asking, very naturally, for a drink of water. The 
offence alleged, I, find from a hasty perusal of the resolu- 
tions contained in the hand-bill, was simply that this gen- 
tleman, whose name appears to have been Oliver, was heard 
inspiring for Colonel Moore, our well known and respected 
Ex-Postmaster. My friend Saul Isaacs, who keeps the " any- 
thing on this table for a quarter " stand, tells me that on 
* doffing his cask," the miserable Oliver was found com- 
pletely bunged up, and that he is now engaged in compos- 
ing a pathetic ode, describing his sufferings, to be called 
" The Barrel," with a few staves of which he ftivored me on 
the spot. It was truly touching. But it is needless to ring the 
chimes farther on this subject. But one side of the story has 
yet been heard, and as the officers promise a full and com- 
plete explanation, it is to be hoped that public opinion may 
be suspended for a few months, till they can be heard from. 

I attended the American Theatre last evening, and had 
the pleasure of seeing several admirable pieces capitally per- 
formed, by the largest and finest assemblage of dramatic 
talent ever collected on one stage in San Francisco. The 
occasion was the benefit of the Hebrew Benevolent Society, 
a very worthy and respectable charity, and the house was 
absolutely crammed from pit to dome. The aisles and lob- 
bies were thronged with gentlemen who were unable to obtain 
scats, and who could obtain but hasty and imperfect glimpses 
of the stage from their uncomfortable positions. Through 
the kindness of the box-keeper I was furnished with a chair, 



SQUmOB AT THE PLAY. 167 

from which, planted in the middle aisle of the parquette, I 
had an admirable view of the audience and the drop-curtain. 
The dress circle was crowded with the fair daughters of Zion 
and other localities, with silken hair darker than the driven 
charcoal, " and bright eyes that flashed on eyes that shone 
again." Above the second circle appeared a dense forest of 
black whiskers, and curvilinear proboscis; while from the 
gallery, that paradise of miners and minors, rang as from a 
dragoon stable the never-ceasing cry of hay! The curtain 
rose on San Francisco's Pet — the accomplished Caroline 
Chapman — who appeared in one of her favorite pieces, a 
pretty little burletta, called the " Actress of All Work," in 
which she sustained, it is needless to say, most admirably, five 
distinct characters. She was greeted on her first entrance 
with tremendous and long-continued applause, which followed 
her throughout the piece, at the conclusion of which she was 
called before the curtain, when with one of her sweet smiles 
she sufficiently rewarded the audience for their just apprecia- 
tion of her talent, and her legion of admirers for the beau- 
tiful bouquets which fell around her. To say that she was 
the " bright particular star " of the evening's entertainment, 
would perhaps appear invidious ; but for pure, fresh, natural 
acting, ever-graceful, sparkling, and all-pretty as she appeared, 
she certainly could not be excelled, in her peculiar line of 
character — and she wasn't. The audience admired thee, 
Caroline ! and the humble hat of Squibob is at thy disposal 
for ever ! Miss Chapman was assisted by Mr. Hamilton, a 
veteran and most worthy actor, who did himself much credit, 



168 SQUIBOB AT THE PLAY. 

as he always does in any part he undertakes. Then came 
Miska Hauser, who with his violin " went np higher, and 
came down lower," and performed variations to that extent you 
couldn't distinguish the original tune more bewilderingly, and 
made it to squeal, and to bray, and to groan, and to whistle, 
and to grunt, and looked fiercer at the audience while he was 
doing it, than any concentrated number of musicians ever 
collected by that regal loyer of harmony, the convivial Cole, 
could possibly have effected. He was received with roars of 
applause by the audience, who made him do it all over again ; 
but as I am somewhat like a corn-field, with plenty of ears 
but no particular idea of music, I was not perhaps as ecstati- 
cally delighted as I ought to have been. Then Madame la 
Comtesse de Landsfeldt appeared in the second act of the 
pantomime of Yelva, in which she delighted the audience 
with her artistic delineations of the character of an artless 
and affectionate dumb girl, and was most enthusiastically 
received and applauded. After which a comic song was given 
and encored by W. B. Chapman, well known as a comic actor 
of great celebrity, who enjoys a reputation in his style of per- 
formances only inferior to Burton and Placide. After this 
Mr. and Mrs. Baker acted very admirably, a very singular 
piece, neither farce or comedy, but rather suggestive of a 
school dialogue, which though not deficient in wit, and abound- 
ing in sparkling repartee, lacks adaptation to the stage, and 
would perhaps have seemed tiresome, had it not been for the 
talent of the performers. Mr. and Mrs. Baker were received 
with a tempest of applause, and on being called before the 



SQUIBOB AT THE PLAY. 1G9 

curtain at the conclusion of the dialogue, a large bouquet, or 
small conservatory of flowers, was thrown upon the stage, as 
a tribute of admiration and regard. The performance closed 
with the dance of " Le Olle " by the bewitching Lola, which 
she performed with inimitable grace and elasticity and very 
muoh to the satisfaction of the audience, if I may judge by 
the roars that rent the air as she appeared before the curtain 
in response to their call. 

Thus finished the entertainment of the evening, with 
which I, murmuring a kind ajew^ retired to my virtuous bed, 
perfectly satisfied, as I presume did the Hebrew Benevolent 
Society generally, as their receipts must have been between 
three and four thousand dollars, with which I hope they will 
do as much good as I should, if I had it. As I walked up 
the street on my return home, I noticed a lady^vho passed 
me in happy unconsciousness of a small placard adhering to 
what a sailor would call the afterpart of her shawl, on which, 
in capital letters, appeared the significant word — TAKEN. 
As she walked between two gentlemen, holding an arm of 
each, the notice was not altogether inappropriate. She had 
evidently sat upon one of the little placards so liberally dis- 
tributed every night over the front seats at the American, 
and it had adhered to her dress. 

Who is the witty individual that has adopted my time- 
honored signature in the Evening Journal. Funny beggar ! 
He certainly, he ! he ! he ! does get ofi", ha ! ha ! ha ! the 
drollest things, ho ! ho ! ho ! that I ever, ever heard. I was 
taking my dinner at the Oriental when that capital hit at the 



170 SQVIBOB AT TllK FLAY. 

Japan Kxpovlitlou luot luy ovo.aiul was borno tVoui tho room 
ly two stiviii;- waitors, ohoking with halt' a j^lass of water 
iiubibod tho wrong wav, kiokh\g vioUMitlv in tho air with oon- 

Y\ilv^on$ ot'htughtor and ilolight, and oxelniming, oh ! d u 

it ; thns losing mv ropai»t, and fortViting tor ovor tho osteom of 
a grave and elderly gt^itlenian wiih green speetaeles. who sita 
oppos^ito me, and has made strenuous olVorts for my conver- 
sion, with great hope of ultimate sneeess. Adopt another 
name, funny n\an, and do not eontinne to enhanee thus unde- 
servedly, the literary remitatlou oi' 

SQUIUOR 



r.aitor of t>.o 



'niK r.\R\r^i.v: or tiik fox anp ass. 



I would respectfully call the attention of the Kn^futij 
Journal to the following fable, to be found in Ksop's collec*^ 
tion, page 19 t : 

'' TUE rox AND rni: ass." 

'' An ass. tinding a Lion's skin, disguised himself therein^ 
and r:wged about in the forest. After he had diverted him- 
self for some time, he met a Fox, and being desiixnis to 
astonish him, he leaped at him with some lierceness, and 
ei\deavored to imitate the roaring of a Lion. ' Your humble 
servant, sir." said the Tox, ' if you had held yom* tongue, I 
might have taken you for a Lion, as others did, but now you 
bray, / know who you an\^ 



nqVUif)!: AT T/f/: J-I.AY. 171 

" MOjiAL : 

'' Wf; porooivf; from UjIh f^xblrj Low proper it Ih for tJiOHO 
(.0 Jiol'i Un;ir iongiioH who would nofc (IIkcovct fJio HhallowncHH 
r>r <,lif;ir firid'irHf.ari'Jirir^i." 

J. rafijor iljink it> would ho "painting tijo lily" to attempt 

any improvcrriont on thin hoautiful and inntruotivo parahlo, 

by any crude rcmarkH of my ov/ii, 

BQCJJiOii. 



THE LITERAKY CONTEIBUTION BOX. 

LINES TO LOLA MONTES. 

Sax Fkaxcisco, June ISth, 1353. 

Ox assuming the responsible position of poetical critic for tli'5 
Herald^ I applied to my friend Mr. Parry for permission to 
place in one corner of his San Francisco renowned establish- 
ment, a cigar-box, with a perforated sliding cover, for tlie 
reception of poetical contributions, a request which that 
gentleman most urbanely granted. Knowing that " Parry's" 
was the favorite resort of the wits, literati and savans of the 
city, I hoped and believed that this enterprise would be 
crowned with the success that it merited; but either our 
city poets are unable to find quarters in that establishment, 
or there is dearth of that description of talent at present ; 
for with the exception of two or three contributions of " old 
eoldiers " and a half-dollar deposited by an inebriated mem- 



THE LITERARY COKTrJBUTIOra BOX. 173 

ber of tlie last Legislature, on the representation of his 
friends that the box was placed there for the relief of dis- 
tressed Chinese women, nothing has come of it. 

Diurnally, after imbibing my morning glass of bimbo (a 
temperance drink, composed of " three parts of root beer 
and two of water-gruel, thickened with a little soft squash, 
and strained through a cane-bottomed chair)," have I 
gazed mournfully into that aching void, and have turned 
away to meet the sympathetic glance of Batten, who, being 
a literary man himself, feels for my disappointment, and 
shakes his head sadly as in reply to my mute inquiry, he 
utters the significant monosyllable " Nix." But this morn- 
ing my exertions were rewarded : " I had a bite." In my 
bo*x I found the following contribution, and feeling de- 
lighted at my success, and to encourage others who may 
dread criticism, I shall publish it without remark or an- 
notation, merely premising that I know nothing whatever of 
M. "W. but that he appears to be a worthy and impulsive 
young fellow, who, having become possessed of five dollars, 
invested it very properly in the purchase of a ticket at the 
American Theatre, where he incontinently fell in love with 
Mrs. Heald (as possibly others may have done before him), 
and where he hastily "threw off" the following lines, written 
doubtless on the back of a playbill, immediately after the 
conclusion of the Spider Dance, when he probably found 
himself in a sweet state, compounded of love, excitement 
and perspiration, caused by a great physical exertion, in pso- 
ducing the encore. Here it is : 



174 THE LITERARY CONTRIBUTION BOX. 



"TO LOLA MONIES. 

"Fair Lola! 
" I cannot believe, as I gaze on thy face, 
And into thy soul-speaking eye, 
There rests in thy bosom one lingering trace 
Of a spirit the world should decry. 
No, Lola, no! 

I read in tliosc eyes, and on that clear bro-w, 

A Spirit — a "Will — it is true ; 
I trace there a Soul — kind, loving, o'cn now; 

But it is not a wanton I view; 
No, Lola, Nol 



I will not believe thee cold, heartless and vain ! 

INIan's victim thou ever hast been ! 
With ihee rests the sorrow, on thee hangs the chain . 

Then on thee should the world cast the sin ? 
No, Lola, no. 

]\L ^y.'' 

Now isn't tliis but I promised not to criticise. Try 

it again, M. AV. — you'll do ! Winn, wlio is looking over my 
slioulder, and is a connoisseur in this description of poetry, 
says it is very fair — but he will persist in inquiring " what 
chain is alluded to in the last line but one ? " He thinks 
^' there is a link wanting there to complete the connection." 
But never mind this, M. W. ; ho would bo glad enough 
to reward you liberally for a similar article laudatory 
of buckwheat cakes and golden syrup. Don't be dis- 



THE LITERARY CONTRIBUTION BOX. l75 

heartened! Just you go on and fill tlio cigar box, con- 
fident of deserving the " smiles " of Parry, the " cheer " of 
Batten, and the appreciation, with a " first-rate notice," of 
your admiring 

SQUIBOB. 



A VERY MOURNFUL CHAPTER. 

DEATH .-VND SPIRIT KESUKRECTION OF SQUIBOB. 

l^Heported hf/ his fnend SkacbaU.'] 

Sax Francisco, June IStli, 1S55. 

Editor Herald — It becomes my melancholy duty to in- 
form you of the decease, under most painful circumstances, 
of your friend and contributor, the unfortunate " Sqcibob." 
It has been evident to the public for some days past that his 
faculties were becoming much impaired, and his friends had 
noticed, with regret, growing eA'idencos of imbecility, evinced 
by a disposition to make unnecessary and inappropriate puns, 
and a tendency to ridicule the Board of Aldermen, the codo 
of duelling, and other equally serious subjects and sacred 
institutions. Hopes were still entertained of his rallying, 
and many believed that he would yet be spared to us ; but, 
on the loth instant, he was seized with a violent attack of 
the Evening Journal — a species of intermittent epidemic 
which made its appearance regularly at four o'clock each 



A VERY MOURNFUL CHAPTER. 177 

afternoon, and under the influence of -wliicli lie rapidly gunk. 
lie sent for me late yesterday evening, and I had the 
mournful satisfaction of being with him in his last moments, 
and of closing one of his eyes. I say one of his eyes, for 
the other persisted in remaining partly open, and his inter- 
esting countenance, even in death, preserves that ineffable 
wink of intelligence which so eminently characterized him 
while among the living. I found him suffering much from 
physical and mental prostration, but evidently well aware of 
his approaching end, and calm and resigned in the con- 
templation of that event. Some idea may be formed of his 
condition " from a remark that he made : " "I sent to the 
cook for a broiled pork chop," he feebly articulated, " and he 
sent me a, fried one. It is satisfactory, in one's last moments 
thus to receive the consolations of religion from a San Fran- 
ciscan Friary I could not resist an expression of horror 
at this sad evidence of the alarmingly low state to which he 
had been brought. He smiled sadly, and said, with ineffable 
sweetness, " Never mind — it's better so. My friends have 
all advised me to die, and it is my safest course. If I had 
continued in the papers, some bellicose individual would have 
' called me ow/,' and the Herald would have been ' rifled of 
its sweets.' " He was here seized with an alarming paroxysm, 
durinor which his hands were extended in a right line from 
the tip of his nose, the fingers separated and " twiddling " 
(if I may be allowed the expression) in a convulsive manner. 
On recovering, his eye fell on a copy of the Evening Jour- 
nal He shuddered, and muttering, in an incoherent manner 



178 A vehy Moi-Kxn'i. chattek. 

** I am dono Browu/' tnnu\i awn v. I then pwo liim a glass 
of " Bimlw" Trhioh ap}x\irovi to arvMi^o his enorgie^Ss and hd 
n,\\ui\<ti\l that hb dairuorrcotvpo of •' Gi\xnu\" in his great 
.•..r..uMor of Sir Hanxnxrt Oourtlv. might bo shoini him. 
\s I hoUl Wfort> him the repiV;*ORtation of that artist, a 
Ivarrel orgai\ iu the stnvt below struok up his farorite time^ 
" The Lo\v-BacNV\i Oar." As the well-known sound struck 
ou his ear. a light spread over his ev>imtenanee. Sitting iq> 
in K\l, he seiaovl the miniature and olasp^xi it to his breast, 
** Whex>? is M. \r. *" he screaiiu\i. "Give it me quick I 
quick ! ! " I hastllv handed him Te^^texviay's fffnvJ. His 
eve tell vm the liiH\s» Gasing altematelr on them and the 
miniature, and eagerly listening to the organ — " Poetry ! 
Music ! and the Prama ! " he e:!:;clalmed — ^-^ Faiewell I fare- 
wx U. tUr ever ! *' The light passed fr>>m his xisage, his eye 
g'sicvi and filing back upon his piUow, his gentle ^irit 
\\ass<\l avr^sY without a strug5;U\ 



I kud I^ ^ i^cKua to ^re durations to ^a 
Xaney, wi A re^raMe to ^ d&^posaJ of tlte body, w^» le- 
turiiin^, jwdy? of my ^nprb^ at fi&diiig him sttii^ iq» in ML 
*^Look bei>?, old l^low." smid he, -By Geiii^! I q«le 
«M504 MTiasi irvurds— - rikw w At fenf «f mtA/— JsM 
rtnf / .' — I wi^a rss cx>:c5TrTmo>r to fs fkesckted ! ! 5— 
HK££^ LlCK!:!r Thai Kins dovn, and dt^iiig om 
•\>^. vith a wink, ^ inlOKso aMnniifr cf w^ie^ Vf^us nil 



A VERY MOURNFUL CHAPTER. 179 

description^ ho expired — this time "positively without re- 
serve. " 

P. S. — The funeral ceremonies will take place to-morrow, 
at 11 o'clock, at " Patty and Barren's," when the public gene- 
rally are invited to attend (with rifles). The " Tangarees " 
(of which association the deceased was a member), and the 
" Moral Reform Society," will form around the bier [lager)^ 
and accompany the body to its last resting place. 

Winn is now busily engaged in the melancholy duty of 
modelling his features in soft gingerbread. A copy of the 
bust in candy he promises shall be sent to the offices of tho 
Herald and the Evening Journal. 

A Spiritual Medium (one of the tipping ones) has just 
been experimenting in the room witli the remains. The 
following questions were put, eliciting the following an- 
swers — 

Question. — " Is the spirit of Squibob present ? " 
Answer. — " Slightually." 
Question. — " Are you happy ? " 
Answer. — " Rather." 

The Spirit here asked, through the Medium, the follow- 
ing question — 

" Are the public generally glad I am dead ? " 
A regard for veracity compelled every person in tho room 
to reply : " Very ! " — when the table on which the experi- 
ments were being conducted was violently capsized, and the 
remains, sitting up in bed, threw a boot at the Medium, 
which broke up the meeting — the Medium very properly 



180 A VERY MOrRNFUL CnAPTER. 

remarking, that *' it would be bootless to prosecute tlic in* 
quiry farther." 

Should any thing further of interest transpire, I Trill 
take much pleasure in informing you. 

Yours respectfully, 

SKEWBALL 



RETURN OF THE COLLECTOR. 

THRILLING AND FRANTIC EXCITEMENT AMONG OFFICE- 
SEEKERS. PROCESSION AND SPEECH. 

Intelligence having readied the city yesterday morning 
that the new Collector might he expected hy the Sophie 
from Stockton, at an early hour in the afternoon the crowd 
of office-seekers began to assemble, and by eight o'clock 
last evening, every avenue of approach to Long Wharf was 
entirely closed and the wharf itself so densely packed with 
human beings, that the merchants and others compelled to 
resort thither, were obliged tc step from the corner of Mont- 
gomery and Commercial streets upon the heads of the 
crowd, and proceed to their places of business over a living 
pavement. Much suffering having been caused by the pas- 
sage of loaded drays and other carriages over the shoulders 
of the crowd, and many serious accidents having occurred 
to individuals — amon^ which we can only notice the unfor- 



182 RETURN OP THE COLLECTOR. 

tunatc case of a pletlioric elderly gentleman, who, slipping 
on a glazed bat, fell down and broke himself somewhere — ■ 
our worthy Mayor, ever alive to the calls of humanity, 
throwing aside all political prejudice, caused plank to bo 
laid over the beads of the assembly from Sansome street to 
the extremity of the wharf, which in a great measure allevi- 
ated their suffering. 

There was no fighting or disorder among the crowd, for 
so closely were they packed that no man could move a 
finger ; one unfortunate individual who at an early stage of 
the proceedings had inadvertently raised his arm above his 
head, remained with it immutably fixed in that position. 
Like an East Indian Fakir, who had taken a vow to point 
for ever toward heaven, that melancholy hand was seen for 
hours directed towards the nearest bonded warehouse. 
Some idea of the amiable feeling existing among the mul- 
titude may be gathered from the statement of Capt. J. 

B , familiarly known as " Truthful James." He informs 

me that early this morning the keeper of a restaurant on 
the wharf picked up no less than seven hundred and eighty- 
four ears and three peck baskets full of mutilated fragments ! 
To use the words of James, as with horror-stricken counte- 
nance he made me this communication, " they had been 
chawed sir \ actilly cJiaivcd off ! '''' Such horrible barbarity 
makes humanity shudder ! But I forbear comment, the 
business of your reporter is to state facts, not to indulge in 
sentiment. 

At half-past nine o'clock an electric shock ran through 



V 



RETTmN OP THE COLLECTOH. 183 

the vast assemblage at the well-known sound of the Sophie's 
bell. All the agony and suffering of 'the past few hours was 
forgotten: for an instant Long Wharf cjuivered like an aspen 
leaf, and then rose to heaven a mighty shout, which shook 
every building in the city to its foundations. The Sophie 
approached the wharf, the Collector and her other passen- 
gers disembarked, and in a few moments a procession was 
formed and proceeded in the following order to the 
Oriental. 

THE NEW COLLECTOR, 

In a carriage drawn by two horses, lashed to their 
utmost speed, tearing along Battery street towards the 
Hotel. 

All the male inhabitants of Stockton (except one reck- 
less and despairing old Whig, who, knowing he had no 
chance, and being confined to his bed by sickness, remained 
behind to take charge of the city) running eight abreast, at 
the top of their speed. 

THE POLICE OF SAN FRANCISCO, 

On a dead run, and much blown. 

Candidates for office in the Custom House who had known 
the Collector in his early youth, ten abreast, bearing a ban- 
ner with the following motto : " Don't you remember the 
path where we met, long, long ago ? " 

A fire company, who had inadvertently turned into 



184 RETURN OP THE COLLECTOR. 

Battery street, were driven furiously along with the procea* 
sion, and were wondering how the d — 1 they were ever to 
get out of it. 

Candidates for office who had lately become acquainted 
with the Collector, twelve abreast. 

Banner — " We saw him but a moment, but methinka 
weVe got him now." 

Candidates who fervently wished to the Lord they could 
get acquainted with him. 

Candidates who had frequently heard of him — forty-five 
abreast. 

THE U. S. 41"MT, 

Consisting of a discharged sergeant of the 9th infantry 
Blightly inebriated, one abreast, desiring the Deputy Col- 
lectorship, or the Porterage, or that the Collector would give 
him four bits — didn't care a d — n which. 

MUSIC, 

By an unhappy dog, trodden under foot by the crowd 
and giving vent to the most unearthly yells. 

All the members of the Democratic party in California 
who did not wish for an office in the Custom House, consist- 
ing of a fortunate miner who had made his pile and wa3 
goinir home on the first of the month. 

Gentlemen who had the promise of appointments from 
influential friends, and were sure of getting them, walking 



RETURN OF THH COLLECTOR. 185 

arm in arm with gentlemen without distinction of party, 
who were confident of drawing the Diamond watch in 
Reeve's Lottery. This part of the procession was four 
hours in passing a 'given point. 

M. L. WINN, 

Bearing in his right hand a pole from which floated a 
Bill of Fare three hundred and twenty-six feet in length, 
and in his left, a buckwheat cake glittering with golden 
syrup. 

MR. BRANCH, 

Supporting the other extremity of the Bill of Fare. 

CITIZENS GENERALLY, 

The procession having moved with great rapidity, soon 
arrived at the Oriental, but not as soon as the Collector, 
who rushing hastily into his room, locked and barricaded 
the door, having previously instructed the Landlord to in- 
form all persons who might inquire for him, that he was 
dead. Meanwhile the multitude had completely surrounded 
the hotel, and signified their impatience and disgust at find- 
ing the doors, closed by angry roars, uttered at half-second 
intervals. Finding their cries disregarded, a sudden move- 
ment took place among them, and for a few moments I 



feared the hotel was to be carried by storm, when a • windo 
on Bush street opened, and a gentleman, whom the darkne 



1^^^ 



I 86 RETURN OF THE COLLECTOR. 

of the evening prevented my completely identifying, but who 
I religiously believe to have been tlie Collector, appeared, 
and amid the most profound silence, made the following 
beautiful and touching address : " Gentlemen — I wish to 
G od you would all go to bed ; you have worried and annoyed 
me beyond endurance. I am not to bo caught by you as 
was General Scott, for I actually have no time to remove 
any portion of my clothing. I do not love brogue ; I be- 
seech you, therefore, to retire and allow me a little repose." 
The address here concluded with some allusion to the Deity 
and a reference to the eyes of the crowd, which being pro- 
nounced indistinctly, your reporter was not able entirely 
to comprehend, and with a sudden slam the window closed. 

The scene without now beggared description: roars, 
yells, frantic cries for " ladders ! " " ladders ! " rent the air. 
Within the hotel all was alarm and confusion — the ladies 
screamed, children cried, the alarmed i^roprietor spoke of 
sending for the Blary Ann Rifles, when — the scene suddenly 
changed. Upon the piazza of the house appeared a gentle- 
man, walking slowly with his hands in the pockets of a shawl 
dressing-gown ; he wore a brown wig, and an enormous pair 
of false whiskers framed his well-rouged cheeks. In a word, 
he was dressed in the character of Sir Harcourt Courtly. 
Turning slowly towards the crowd, he withdrew one hand 
from the pocket of the shawl dressing-gown, and slowly and 
awkwardly extending it, said : — " Cool ! " It was sufficient, 
'or an instant, a shudder ran through the mob — then, with 
ries of " Ifs Mm ! ifs Greene ! " they broke and dispersed 



RETURN OF THE COLLECTOR. 187 

in every direction — ^up Busli and down Battery, through 
Stockton street and over the sand-hills, they fled like fright- 
ened deer. The earth seemed to have opened and swallowed 
them up, so sudden and complete was the dispersion. In 
one moment, where stood a mob of fifteen thousand, re- 
mained hut two individuals. Above, with a sidelong bow 
and melancholy smile, slowly retired Sir Harcourt, and on 
the earth below, with open mouth and distended eyes, his 
admiring gaze fixed upon that extraordinary^ man with 
reverential awe, stood 

PHCENIX. 



Saturday Morning. 

P. S. " Truthful James " has just rushed up in a frantic 
state to inform me that the Collector did not arrive last 
night after all. When I made my report, I did not know 
whether he had or not, but I am inclined now to think he 
might have done so. I don't know that it makes any differ- 
ence. If he did arrive, my report is all true now — if he did 
not, why, when he does arrive, it will be all true then ; and 
those who read it this morning, and find it false, will have the 
pleasure of reading it again, when it becomes the history of 
an actual occurrence. Of course you won't publish this. 

PHCENIX. 



• 0^' 



■■%t. 



PHCENIX TAKES AN AFFECTIONATE 
LEAVE OF SAN FKANCISCO. 

San Diego, Aug. 10, 1853. 

It was about 7^ A. M., on the first day of this present month 
of August, that I awaked from a very pleasant dream in the 
great city of San Francisco^ to the very unpleasant conviction 
that it was a damp and disagreeable morning, and that my 
presence was particularly required in the small city of San 
Diego. So, having shaken hands with Frink, taken an affec- 
tionate leave of the chaimbermaid, and, lastly, devoured a 
beefsteak at the Branch of Alden, which viand, in perfect 
keeping with the weather, was both cold and raw, I shoul- 
dered my cane with a carpet bag suspended at each end, " a la 
Chinois," and left the Tehama House without '' one linger- 
ing hope or fond regret." When a man is going down, every 
body lends him a kick, an aphorism which I came very near 
realizing in my own proper person, for as I went on my way 
down Long Wharf, I accidentally grazed a mule, who being in 



LEAVING OP SAN FRANCISCO. 189 

an evil frame of mind and harnessed to a dray might be con- 
sidered as passionately attached to that conveyance. This in- 
teresting animal, fancying from my appearance that I was 
" going down," " lent me a kick," which, had his legs been 
two inches longer, would have put a stop to my correspond- 
ence for ever. As it was I escaped, and hurried on down the 
wharf, thinking with a shudder on the mysterious prophecy of 
my friend little Miss B., who had told me I was " sure to be 
kicked " before I left San Francisco, and wondering if she 
was really " among the prophets." The Northerner, like the 
steamboat runners, was lying at the end of the wharf, blow- 
ing off steam, and as usual when a steamer is about to leave 
for Panama, a great crowd surrounded her. What made 
them all get up so early ? Out of the three or four hundred 
people on the end of that wharf I don't believe fifty had 
friends that were about to sail. No ! they love to look upon 
a steamer leaving. It brings to their minds recollections of 
the dear ones at home to whom she is speeding with fond 
tidings, and they love to gaze and wish to Heaven they were 
going in her. The usual mob of noisy fruit venders encom- 
passed the gangway plank ; green pears they sold to green- 
er purchasers; apples, also, whereof, every thing but the 
shape of an apple had long since departed, and oranges, the 
recollection of one of which, doth to this day abide by me 
and set my teeth on edge ;^but high above their din, the roar 
of the steamer and the murmuring of the crowd, rang the 
shrill cry of the newsboy in his unknown tongue. Here's the 
Alteruldniguniimes Heup I I stepped across the plank and 



190 LEAVING OF SAN FEANCISCO. 

found myself in the presence of three fine "bullocks. How fat 
and sleek they looked ; uneasy though, as if they smelled mis* 
chief in the wind. 

A tall gaunt specimen of Pike County humanity stood re- 
garding them approvingly, his head thrown slightly hack, to 
get their points to better advantage. It was the tomb gaz- 
ing on its victim. As I paused for a moment to look on the 
picture, Pike yawned fearfully, his head opening like the top 
of an old-fashioned fall-back chaise. The nearest bullock, 
turning, caught his eye. I thought the unhappy animal shud- 
dered and nudged his companion, as who should say, " Ye liv- 
ing, come and view the grave where you shall shortly lie." 
It was quite a touching little scene. On deck all was bustle 
and excitement. The sailors, apparently in the last extremity 
of physical suffering, judging by their agonized cries, were 
heaving away at mysterious ropes. The mate, Mr. Dall, was 
engaged in busy, not tender dalliance with the breast lines, 
while Burns the Purser exhibited an activity and good na- 
ture only to be accounted for by the supposition that he had 
eaten two boxes of Kussia salve (which is good for Burns — 
see your advertising columns) for his breakfast. 

As the last line fell from the dock, and our noble steamer 
with a mighty throb and deep sigh, at bidding adieu to San 
Francisco, swung slowly round, the passengers crowded to the 
side to exchange a farewell salutation with their friends and 
acquaintances. '' Grood bye, Jones," " Good bye. Brown," 
' God bless you old fellow, take care of yourself! " they 
shouted. Not seeing any one that I knew, and fearing the 



LEAVING OP SAN FRANCISCO. 191 

passengers miglit think I had no friends, I shouted " Good bye, 
Muggins," and had the satisfaction of having a shabby man 
much inebriated, reply as he swung his rimless hat, " Good 
bye, my brother." Not particularly elated at this recogni- 
tion, I tried it again, with, " Good bye, Colonel," whereat 
thirty-four respectable gentlemen took off their hats, and I 
got down from the position that I had occupied on a camp 
stool, with much dignity, inwardly wondering whether my 
friends were all aids to Bigler, in which case their elevated 
rank and affection for me would both be satisfactorily ac- 
counted for. 

Away we sped down the bay, the captain standing on the 
wheel-house directing our course. " Port, Port a little. Port," 
he shouted. " What's he a calling for ? " inquired a youth of 
good-natured but unmistakable verdancy of appearance, of me. 
' Port wine," said I, " and the storekeeper don't hear him ,• 
you'd better take him up some." " I will," said Innocence ; 
" Iv'e got a bottle of first rate in my state room." And he did, 
but soon returned with a particularly crest-fallen and sheepish 
appearance. " Well, what did he say to you," inquired I. 
" Pointed at the notice on that tin," said the poor fellow 
"Passengers not allowed on the wheel-house." ^' Re is, 
though, ain't he ? " added my friend with a faint attempt at 
a smile, as the captain in an awful voice shouted, " Starboard ! " 
"Is what?" said I, ^^ Loud on the zvheel house P'' Good 
G od ! I went below. 

At 9 o'clock in the evening we arrived at Monterey, 
where our modest salute was answered by the thundering 



U'li LEA^TNG OF SAN FRANCISCO. 

response of a 24-pounder from the fort. This useful defen- 
sive -work, -which mounts some twenty heavy guns and con- 
tains quarters for a regiment, was built in 1848, by Hallcck, 
Peachy & Billings. It is now used as a hermitage by a lone- 
ly officer of the U. S. Army. The people of Monterey have 
a wild legend concerning this desolate recluse. I was told 
that he passes the whole of his time in sleep, never by any 
chance getting out of bed until he hears the gun of a steamer, 
when he rushes forth in his shirt, fires off a 2-4-pounder, 
sponges and reloads it, takes a drink and turns in again. 
They never have seen him ; it's only by his semi-monthlj 
reports they know of his existence. ^' Well," said I to my 
informant, a bustling little fellow named Bootjacks, who 
came off onboard of us, " suppose, some day a steamer should 
arrive and he should not return her gun ? " " Well sir," re- 
plied Bootjacks, with a quaint smile, " we should conclude 
that he was either dead, or out of poivdery Logical deduc- 
tion this, and a rather curious story, altogether; how I 
should like to see him ! Bootjacks kindly presented me 
with the following state of the markets, &c. in Monterey, 
which will give you a better idea of the large business and 
commercial prosperity of that flourishing city, than any thing 
that I can write on those subjects. 



MONTEEEY MAEKETS. 

The arrival of a stranger by the Maj. Tompkins from San 
Francisco, during the past week, with specie to the amount of 
|4 87|, most of which has been put in circulation, has produced 



LEAVING OP SAN FRANCISCO. 193 

an unprecedented activity among our business men. Confidence 
is in a great measure restored, and our merchants have had no 
reason to complain of want of occupation. The following is tho 
state of our market, for the principal articles of domestic con- 
Bumptiori : 

Flour — Twenty-five pounds, imported by Boston, & Co. per 
Major Tompkins, still in first hands; flour in small quantises is 
jobbing readily at 15 @ 18 cents ^ a . We notice sales of 10 m 
by Boston, & Co., to Judge Merritt, on private terras. 

Pork — The half bbl. imported by Col. Russell, in March last, 
is nearly all in the hands of jobbers ; sales of 4 a at $1, half cash ; 
remainder in note at 4 months. A half bbl. expected by Boot- 
jack & Co., early in September, will overstock the market. 

Candy — Sales of 6 sticks by Boston & Co. to purser of Maj. 
Tompkins, on private terms; the market has a downward ten- 
dency ; candy is jobbing in sticks at 6 @ 8 cents. 

Potatoes — We notice arrival of 10 ib from the Santa Cruz ; 
no sales. 

Dry Goods — Sales of two cotton pocket hdkfs. by Mc Kinley 
& Co. at 62^ @ 75 cents ; indorsed note at 6 months. 

Lively place this, Thank Heaven my lot is not cast 
there — it was once, but the people sold it for taxes. Having 
taken on board the XJ. S. mail, containing one letter (which 
I believe must have been the resignation of the Collector), 
our noble steamer bore away to the Southward. 

Four bells tinkled from the little bell aft ; four bells 
chimed from its deep-toned brother forward, and being of a 
retiring disposition, I retired. _ 



PHGENIX IS ON THE SEA. 

Bright and beautiful rose the sun, from out the calm blue 
sea, its early rays gleaming on the snow-white decks of 
the Northerner^ and " gilding refined gold " as they pene- 
trated the state-room "A," and lingering, played among the 
tresses of the slumbering McAuburn. It was a lovely morn- 
ing, " the winds were all hushed, and the waters at rest," and 
no sound was heard but the throbbing of the engine and the 
splash of the paddle wheels as the gallant old Noriherner 
sped on her way, " tracking the trackless sea." Two sailors 
engaged in their morning devotions with the holy stones near 
my room, amused me not a little. One of them, either acci- 
dentally or with " malice prepense," threw a bucket of water 
against the bulwark, which ricocheting, struck the other on 
his dorsal extremity, as he leaned to his work, making that 
portion of his frame exceedingly damp and him exceedingly 

angry. " You just try that again, your soul," exclaimed 

the offended one, " and I'll slap your chops for you." " Oh, 



PHCENIX IS ON THE SEA. 195 

yes you will," sarcastically rejoined he of the water bucket 
" I've heerd of you afore ! You're old cJiop-slapper^s so7i, 
aint you? Father went round slapping peopWs chops^ 
didnH he?^'' Then followed a short fight, in which, as might 
have been expected, " Old chop-slapper's son " got rather the 
worst of it. 

There was no excuse for being sick that morning, so our 
passengers, still pale, but with cheerful hope depicted in their 
countenances, soon began to throng the deck, segars were 
again brought into requisition, and we had an opportunity of 
ascertaining " whether there was any Bourbon among us." 
A capital set of fellows they were. There was Moore, and 
Parker, and Bowers (one of Joe Bowers' boys), and Sarsa- 
parilla Meade, and Freeman, which last mentioned gentle- 
men, so amusing were they, appeared to be travelling expressly 
to entertain us. And there were no ladies, which to me was 
a blessed dispensation. 



" Oh, woman ! in our hours of ease 
Uncertain, coy, and hard to please ; 
When pain and anguish wring the brow, 
A ministering angel thou." 



Certainly : but at sea. Woman, you are decidedly disa- 
greeable. In the first place, you generally bring babies with 
you, which are a crying evil, and then you have to have the 
best state-room and the first seat at the table, and monopolize 
the captain's attention and his room, and you make remarks 
to one another about us, and our segars and profanity, and 



l96 PH(ENIX IS ON THE SEA. 

iccuse us of singing rowdy songs, niglits ; and you generally 
Hnd up by doing some scandalous tiling yourself, when lialf 
af us take your part and the other half don't, and we get 
ill together by the cars, and a pretty state of afitiirs ensues. 
N'o, woman ! you are agreeable enough on shore, if taken 
homeopathically, but on a steamer, you are a decided nuisance. 

We had a glorious day aboard the old Northerner; we 
played whist, and sang songs, and told stories, many of which 
were coeval with our ancient school-lessons, and like them 
came very easy, going over the second time, and many drank 
strong waters, and becoming mopsed thereon, toasted " the 
girls we'd left behind us," whereat one, who, being a tem- 
perance man, had guzzled soda-water until his eyes seemed 
about to pop from his head, pondered deeply, sighed, and said 
nothing. And so we laughed, and sang, and played, and 
whiskied, and soda-watered through the day. And fast the 
old Northerner rolled on. And at night the Captain gave 
us a grand game supper in his room, at which game we played 
not, but went at it in sober earnest ; and then there were 
more songs (the same ones, though, and the same stories too, 
over again), and some speechifying, and much fun, until at 
eight bells we separated, some shouting, some laughing, some 
crying (but not with sorrow), but all extremely happy, and so 
we turned in. But before I sought state-room A that night, 
I executed a small scheme, for insuring undisturbed repose, 
which I had revolved in my mind during the day, and which 
met with the most brilliant success, as you shall hear. 

You remember the two snobs that every night, in the 



PIICENIX IS ON THE SEA. lyl 

pursuit' of exercise under difficulties, walk up and down on 
the deck, arm in arm, right over your state-room. You 
remember how, when just as you are getting into your first 
doze, they commence, tramp ! tramp ! tramp ! right over 
your head ; then you " hear them fainter, fainter still ; " you 
listen in horrible dread of their return, nourishing the while 
a feeble-minded hope that they may have gone below — when, 
horror ! here they come, louder, louder, till tramp ! tramp ! 
tramp ! they go over your head again, and with rage in your 
heart, at the conviction that sleep is impossible, you sit up in 
bed and despairingly light an unnecessary segar. They were 
on board the Northerner, and the night before had aroused 
my indignation to that strong pitch that I had determined on 
their downfall. So, before retiring, I proceeded to the upper 
deck, and there did I quietly attach a small cord to the 
stanchions, which stretching across, about six inches from the 
planking, formed what in maritime matters is known as a 
" booby trap." This done, I repaired to my room, turned in 
and calmly awaited the result. In ten minutes they came, I 
heard them laughing together as they mounted the ladder. 
Then commenced the exercise, louder, louder, tramp ! tramp ! 
— thump ! (a double-barrelled thump) down they came 
together, " Oh, what a fall was there my countrymen." Two 
deep groans were elicited, and then followed what, if published, 
would make two closely printed royal octavo pages of pro- 
fanity. I heard them d — ^n the soul of the man that did it. 
It was my soul that they alluded to, but I cared not, I lay 
there chuckling; 'Hhey called, but I answered not again," 



198 PHOENIX IS ON THE SEA. 

and wlicn at length they limped away, their loud profanity, 
subdued to a blasphemous growl, I turned over in a sweet 
frame of mind and, falling instantaneously asleep, dreamed a 
dream, a happy dream of " home and thee " — Susan Ann 
Jane ! 

The next morning bright and early, the Coronados hove 
in sight, and at 10 o'clock we rounded Point Loma and ran 
alongside the coal hulk Clarissa Andrews, at the Playa of 
San Diego — just forty-nine hours from San Francisco. 

The captain (he is the crew also) of the Clarissa Andrews, 
the gallant Bogart, stood on her rail ready to catch our flying 
line, and in a few moments we were secured alongside, our 
engine motionless and my journey ended. 

It was with no small regret that I bade adieu to our merry 
passengers and our glorious captain. Noble fellow ! I don't 
wonder enthusiastic passengers get up subscriptions and make 
speeches and present plate and trumpets, and what not to 
such men. It's very natural. 

A good captain is sure to have a good ship ; a voyage 
with him becomes an agreeable matter ; he makes his passen- 
gers happy and they very naturally fall in love with him, and 
seek some method of displaying their attachment and " trum- 
peting his praise abroad." Our captain was one of this sort; 
kind, courteous and obliging, and " every inch a sailor," he is 
as much beloved and respected by his passengers as Dick 
Whiting of the California (who to my mind is the ne plus 
ultra of steamboat men), and when I say that the first letter 



PHCENIX IS ON THE SEA. 199 

of his name is Isliam, I'm sure every body that ever travelled 
with him, will agree with me. 

The Northerner^ too, is a splendid and most comfortable 
ship, as which of the Pacific Mail boats are not ? however. 
And this subject brings to my mind a little circumstance 
whif h took place the day before I left San Francisco. 

A shabby-genteel individual, with a pale face, in the cen- 
tre of which shone a purple nose that couldn't be beat 
(though it resembled the vegetable of that name), called on 
me, and drawing from his coat-tail pocket, with an air of 
mystery, a voluminous manuscript, spread it solemnly before 
me and requested my signature. It was a petition to Con- 
gress, or Mr. Pierce, or John Bigler, or somebody, to trans- 
fer the contract for carrying the mails, from the " Pacific 
Oompany" to " Vanderbilt's Line," and was signed by Brown 
h Co., Jones & Co., Smith & Brothers, Noakes, Stiles & 
Thompson, and ever so many more responsible firms, whereof 
[ recognized but one, which deals in candy nightly at the cor- 
ner of Commercial and Montgomery streets, and pays no taxes, 
and whose correspondence with the Eastern States I suspect 
is not large. I love to sign my name. It is a weakness that 
most modest men have. I love to write it, and cut it, and 
scratch it in steeples, and monuments, and other places of 
public resort. Most men do. It looks pretty, passes away 
the time, perpetuates their memory among posterity, and costs 
nothing. I frequently buy something that I don't want at 
all, just for the pleasure of signing my name to a check — (I 
bought a ridiculous buggy the other day for no other reason 



200 riKENIX IS ON THE SEA. 

that I can imagmc.) But I had no inclination to append ray 
autograph to that petition, and I declined, positively and per- 
emptorily — declined. My friend with the nose rolled up his 
eyes and rolled up his paper, pocketed it, and \Yas about to 
withdraw. *' Stop ! " said I, as a vivid recollection ilashed 
across my mind ; '' what arc you going about with that paper 
for ? Pidu't I sec you a few months ago marching down tho 
street at the head of a long procession, bearing a big banner 
with " Vandkimult's Pkatii Line!" in great letters thereon, 
and giving vent to all sorts of scurrility against the Nica- 
ragua route ? " The red nose grew redder, as he muttered 
somctliino: about "a man's bclnj^: obliged to <ret a livinc:," and 
he retired. I saw him go and get his boots blacked by a 
Frenchman right opposite, give him a quarter, and get him to 
Bign his name, which that exile did and thought it was a 
receipt for i\\o. money, and I laughed heartily. ]>ut it is no 
lauo-hino: matter. 

Having taken leave of all on board the dear old Norlh- 
er)icr, and shaken hands twice all round, during which process 
the mate sang out, '' Bare a hand there," and I mechanically 
took olT my glove, McAuburn and I were transported to tho 
shore, where, while waiting for a wagon to take us to the old 
town of San Diego, we stopped at the little public house of 
the Playa, kept by a civil fellow named Bonahoo, whom tho 
Spaniards here, judging from his name {DonH know luho)^ 
believe to be the son of old " Quicn sahe " himself. What 
befell us there and thereafter I will shortly inform yoiL 



PHOSNIX IN SAN DIEGO 

The Bay of San Diego is shaped like s, bt>ot, the leg 
forming the entrance from the sea, and the toe extending 
some twelve miles inland at right angles to it, as a matter of 
course, points southward to the latter er.d of Mexico, from 
which it is distant at present, precisely three miles ! 

The three villages then, which go to make up the great 
city of San Diego, are the " Playa," " Old Town," and " New 
Town," or " Davis's Folly." At the " Playa" there are but 
few buildings at present, and these itot remarkable for size or 
architectural beauty of design. A long^ low, one-storied 
tenement, near the base of the hills, once occupied by rol- 
licking Captain Magruder, and the officers under his com- 
mand, is now the place where Ju Jge Witherby, like Matthew, 
patiently " sits at the receipt of customs." But few customers 
appear, for with the exception of the mail steamers once a 
fortnight, and the Goliah and Ohio, two little coasting 
steamers that wheeze in and out once or twice a month, the 
9* 



202 nicENix IN PAN mv.c.o. 

calm ^Ya^o^s (U* !San l>iogo 13ay ronuiin imrnnUMl by Icool or 
cutwattM- ['vom om> year's end to aiiotluM*. Such a (hlni!; ad 
a i'oroiiMi bottom lias uovor mailo its appoaram-o to <i;laiUk>n 
tlio Colloi'tor's heart; in this respoot, tho harbor has iiulood 
provod bottomless. Two orazy old hulks ridiui;- at anohor, 
aud tho banpu^ (Varis.^a Aiidmvs (lilh>d Avith coal lor V. M. 
S. S. (\>.)» "vvhcri'iu dwells (■ajitain I>oi\-art. liki* a second 
Ivobinsoil Crusoe, with a man l*'i-idav, wlu) is mate, cook, 
etoward and all hands, make up the amount of yhipphig at 
tho "Plava." Then there is the ''Ocean House" (that's 
l>onahoi''s), anil a sttM-e ujarkinl (Gardiner v^ IJleeker, than 
tho inside oi' which nothin;;- could be bleaker, for " there's 
notlnno" in it,'' and an odd-looking little building on stilts out 
in the water, \Yhere a savan named Sabot, in tho oni[)loy of 
the U. S. Engineers, makes mysterious observations on tho 
tide ; and tlu>se with thrive t>ther su\all buildings, unoccupied, 
a lence and a grave-yard, constitute all the " improvements" 
that have been made at the '' Tlaya." The ruins of two (dd 
irule-houses, imnun'tali/.ed by Hana in his '* Two Years bel\u"U 
tho Mast,'' are still standing, one bearing tlie weather-beaten 
iianio of Tasso. AVe examined these and got well bitten by 
fleas for our trouble. AVe also examined the other griwt 
curiosity o[' the Tlaya — a natural one — being a cleft in the 
adjacent hills, some humlred feet in depth, with a smooth, 
hard iloor of white sand, and its walls of indurated elay, per- 
loratiHl with cavities, wherein dwell countless numbers of 
great white owls, from Avhioh circumstanoo. Captain Kogart 
falls it " Owldom " 



PHCENIX IN SAN DIEGO. 203 

Througli this cleft wo marched into the bowels of tho 
land without impediment, for nearly half a mile, when heing 
brought to a stand still by a high, smooth wall, Mc Auburn 
did proceed to carve thereon a name. But as he laid out his 
work on too extensive a scale, the letters being about three 
feet in length- — though he worked with amazing energy — he 
got no farther than this — JO, when his knife broke and the 
inscription remained incomplete. Whether, theref6re, it was 
intended to perpetuate to posterity the memory of the great 
Joseph Bowers, or one of his girls, we may never know, as 
Mac showed no disposition to be communicative, and indeed 
requested mc to " dry up," when I questioned him on the 
subject. From present appearances, one would be little dis- 
posed to imagine that the " Playa " in five or six years might 
become a city of the size of Louisville, with brick buildings, 
paved streets, gas lights, theatres, gambling houses, and so 
forth. It is not at all improbable, however, should the great 
Pacific Railroad terminate at San Diego, an event within the 
range of probability, the " Playa" must be the depot, and as 
such will become a point of great importance. The land- 
holders about here are well aware of this fact, and conse- 
quently affix already incredible prices to very unprepossessing 
pieces of land. Lots of one hundred and fifty feet front, not 
situated in particularly eligible places either, have been sold 
within the last few weeks for five hundred dollars apiece. 
" De gustihus,^^ &c. At present I confess I should prefer 
the money to the real estate. While at tho Playa, I had the 
pleasure of forming an acquaintance with tho Pilot, Captain 



• Ol riKENIX IN SAN riEGO. 

A\ 111. (i, C)livor. ns iioMo a sptH-imoii of n s;u1(M' :is voiMvouUl 
^^it^ll to SCO. Uo Avas :i lioutoiiant iu tho Toxas iiavv, imdor 
tlio colobratoil Mooro. aiul told iiu^ iwauv varus octuoonun^ 
tliat gallant oommaiidor. (.\roat iujuslii'o, I think, has boon 
done in not iiivino; to those otVioovs tho rank toAvhioh thoy are 
outitlod in ovir sorvioo. Captain Olivor >vould do honor to 
any navy in tho world, tor boj^ldo boin.-::: a thorono-li soainan 
ho is an acooniplishod and agrooablo liontlonian. Loaving tho 
Vlaya in a Avagon draAvn by two wild ninlos, driven at tho top 
of their speed, by the intrepid Ponaho, 3lae and 1 were 
whirled over a hard road, smooth and even as a ball-room 
lloor, on onr way io "Old Town." Five miles from tho 
'•riaya" we passed the estate of the lion. ,l\^hu Hays, 
County Judge oi' San Uiego, an old Texian, and a most 
amiable gentleman. The judge has a tine farm oi' eighty or 
one hundred neres, under liigh cultivation, and what few gen- 
tlemen in Calitornia eau boast of — a private tisli pond! ITo 
has enelosed some twenty aeres oi' the tlats near his residence, 
having a small outlet, with a net attached, from which ho 
daily niaives a haul almost equalling the miraculous draught 
on the Tiake ConDtesaret. 

The old town of San Diego is pleasantly situated ou tho 
let't bank oi' the little river that bears its name. It contains, 
perhaps, a hundred houses, some of wood, but mostly of the 
*' Adobau" or "Cresau'' order of iirchiteetuve. A small 
Plaza forms the centre oi' the town, one side of which is oemi- 
pied by a little adol\' building used as a court room, tho 
** Colorado House," a wooden structure, whereof tho second 



PHGENIX IN BAN DIEGO. 203 

story is occupied by the San Diego Jlerald, an a vast .siga 
bearing that legend informed us, and the Exchange, a hos- 
telry, at which we stopped. This establishment is kept by 
Hoof (familiarly known as Jolinny, but whom I once chris- 
tened Cloven)^ and Tibbetts, who is also called Two Hits, in 
Ijonorable distinction from an unworthy partner he once had, 
who obtained unenviable notoriety as " Picayune Smith.^^ 
On entering, we found ourselves in a large bar and billiard 
room fitted up with customary pictures and mirrors. Hero 
I saw Lieut. Derby, of the Topograpical Engineers, an elderly 
gentleman of emaciated appearance, and serious cast of 
features. Constant study and unremitting attention to his 
laborious duties have reduced him almost to a skeleton, but 
there are not wanting those who say that an unrequited 
attachment in his earlier days, is the cause of his care-worn 
appearance. 

He was sent out from Washington some months since, "to 
dam the San Diego River," and he informed me with a deep 
sigh and melancholy smile, that he had done it (mentally) 
several times since his arrival. Here, also, I made the ac- 
quaintance of Squire Moon, a jovial, middle-aged gentleman 
from the State of Georgia, who replied to mj inquiries con- 
cerning his health, that he was " as fine as bilk, but not half 
so well beliked by the ladies." After partaking of supper, 
which meal v/as served up in the rear of the billiard room, 
alfresco, from a clothless table, upon an earthen floor, I fell 
in conversation with Judge Ames, the talented, good-hearted 
but eccentric editor of the San Diego Herald, of whom the 



20G PH(ENIX IN SAN DIEGO. 

poet Andrews, in his immortal work, " The Cocopa Maid," 
once profanely sang as follows : 

"There was a man whose name was Ames, 
His aims were aims of mystery ; 
His story odd, I think by — — 
Would malvo a fiimous history." 

I found "the Judge" exceedingly agreeable, urbane and 
well informed, and obtained from liim much valuable informa- 
tion regarding San Diego and its statistics. San Diego con- 
tains at present about seven hundred inhabitants, two-thirds 
of whom are " native and to the manor born," the remainder, 
a mixture of American, English, German, Hebrew and Pike 
County. There are seven stores or shops in the village, where 
any thing may be obtained from a fine-tooth comb to a horse 
rake, two public houses, a Catholic church which meets in 
a private residence, and a Protestant ditto, to which the Rev. 
Dr. Reynolds, chaplain of the military post six miles distant, 
communicates religious intelligence every Sunday afternoon. 

San Diego is the residence of Don Juan Bandini, whose 
mansion fronts on one side of the Plaza. He is well known 
to the early settlers of California as a gentleman of distin 
guished politeness and hospitality. His wife and daughters 
are among the most beautiful and accomplished ladies of our 
State. One of the latter is married to Mr. Stearns, a very 
wealthy and distinguished resident of Los Angelos, another 
to Col. Couts, late a Lieutenant in the first regiment of U. 
8. dragoons, and another to Mr. Charles Johnson, who for a 



PHCENIX IN SAN DIEGO. 207 

long time was the agent of the P. M. S. S. Company at this 
place. The whole family is highly connected and universally 
respected. 

Having smoked the pipe of contemplation, and played a 
game of billiards with a young gentleman who remarked, 
" he could give me fifty and beat me," which he certainly did, 
with a celerity that led me to conclude " he couldn't do any 
thing else," I retired for the night, but not to sleep, as I 
fondly imagined. Fleas ? rather ! I say nothing at present ; 
my feelings of indignation against those wretched insects are 
too deep for utterance. On another occasion, when in a milder 
mood, I intend to write a letter concerning and condemnatory 
of them, and publish it. Yes, by Heaven, if I have to pay 
for it as an advertisement ! 

The next morning, bright and early, I parted with my 
young military friend McAuburn, who was about to join hia 
company at the Gila River. " Grood bye. Phoenix," says he, 
" God bless you, old fellow ! And look here, if you go to 
San Francisco, tell her — no, by George ! you always make 
fun of every thing. Good bye." So he wrung my hand and 
galloped away, and I stood looking after him till his prancing 
horse and graceful figure were hid by the projecting hills of 
the old Presidio. " Blessings go with you my boy ! " said I, 
*' for a fine, honest, noble-hearted young chap, you haven't 
many superiors in thQ.U. S. Army ; and happy, in my opinion, 
is the woman who gets you." 

How I went to a Baile^ and visited " New Town," and 
rode forth to the Mission, and attended a Fiesta^ and the ex- 



208 PHCENIX IN SAN DIEGO. 

traordinary adventures tliat befell me there, shall form tlie 
subject of a future epistle ; at present my time is too much 
occupied, for lo, I am an editor ! Hasn't Ames gone to San 
Francisco (with this very letter in his pocket), leaving a notice 
in his last edition, " that during his absence an able literary 
friend will assume his position as editor of the Herald," and 
am I not that able literary friend ? (Heaven save the mark.) 
" You'd better believe it." I've been writing a " leader " and 
"unny anecdotes all day (which will account for the dryness 
of this production), and sucli a " leader," and sucli anecdotes. 
I'll send you the paper next week, and if you don't allow that 
there's been no such publication, weekly or serial, since the 
days of the " Bunkum Flagstaff," I'll craw fish^ and take to 
reading Johnson's Dictionary. Fraternally — ahem ! 

Yours. 



CAMP REMINISCENCES. 

Perhaps, you -will not object to a few short military 
yarns which I have hastily twined for your edification. And 
if the interesting, fair-haired, blue-eyed (or otherwise) son 
of the reader, now sitting on his knee, on hearing them, 
should look confidingly into his parent's face, and inquire — 
" Is that true, Papa ? " reply, oh reader, unhesitatingly — 
" My son, it is." 

Many years since, during the height of the Florida war, a 
company of the Second Infantry made their camp for the 
night, after a rainy day's march, by the bank of a muddy 
stream that sluggishly meandered through a dense and un- 
wliolesome everglade. Dennis Mulligan, the red-haired Irish 
servant of the commanding officer, having seen his master's 
tent comfortably pitched, lit a small fire beneath a huge 
palmetto, and having cut several slices of fat pork from the 
daily ration, proceeded to fry that edible for the nightly 
repast. 



210 CAMP REMINISCENCES. 

In the deep gloom of tlie evening, silence reigned un- 
broken but by tlie crackling of Pennis's small fire and the 
frizzling of the pork as it crisped and curled in the mighty 
mess-pan, when suddenly, with a tremendous " whoosh," the 
leaves of the palmetto were disturbed and a great barred 
owl, five feet from tip to tip, settled in the foliage. Dennis 
was superstitious, most Irishmen are, and startled by the 
disturbance, he suspended for an instant his culinary opera- 
tions, and frying-pan in hand, gazed slowly and fearfully 
about him. Persuading himself that the noise was but the 
effect of imagination, he again addressed himself to his task, 
when the owl set up his fearful hoot, which sounded to the 
horrified ears of Dennis, like, "' WJio — cocJcs — -for you — all? 
Again he suspended operations, again gazed fearful!}' forth into 
the night, again persuaded himself that his imagination was at 
fault, and was about to return to his task, when accidentally 
glancing upward he beheld the awful countenance and glaring 
eyes of the owl turned downward upon him, and from that 
cavernous throat in hollow tones, again issued the question, 
« jYJio — icJio — cooJcs—for you — all 1 " '' God bless your 
honor," said poor Dennis, while the mess-pan shook in his 
quivering grasp, and the unheeded pork poured forth a molten 
stream, which, falling upon the flames, caused a burst of illu- 
mination that added to the terrors of the scene, " God bless 
j-our honor,/ cooks for Captain Eaton, but I don't know sir, 
xclio cooks for the rest of the gintlemen." A burst of fiendish 
lau^^hter followed — ^from those who had witnessed the in- 



CAMP REMINISCENCES. 211 

cident unseen, and " Dennis's Devil " became a favorite 
yarn in the Second Infantry from that time forth. 

In New Mexico, at some time daring the last two years, 
Capt. A. B. of the First Dragoons, commanding Company, 
had been stationed about forty miles from a small post 
commanded by Lieut. 0. B. of the Infantry. One day 
Capt. B. concluded to ride over and give his neighbor a 
call ; so throwing himself athwart a noble horse, he started, 
and after a hard gallop — forty miles is a respectable ride 
you know — ^ho arrived at 0. B.'s tent just as the drummer 
was performing that popular air, " Oh, the roast beef of Old 
England." 

Reining in his horse and shaking hands with 0. B., who 
came forth to greet him, " on hospitable thought intent," he 
said, " Well, Lawrence, been to dinner ? " " No, I haven't," 
was the reply, "just going, come in, come in; " " Devilish 
glad of it," said Capt. B. dismounting, " never was so hungry 
in all my life." " Well, come in," said 0. B., and they went in 
accordingly, and took seats at a small uncovered pine table, on 
which a servant shortly placed a large tin pan full of boiled 
rice, and a broken bottle half full of mustard. The Captain 
looked despairingly around — there was nothing else. " Abe," 
said 0. B., as he drew the tin pan towards him, "are you 
fond of boiled rice ? " " Well, no," said Abe, somewhat 
hesitatingly, " I can't say that I am — very — Lawrence." 
" Ah," replied Lawrence, coolly, " luell just help yourself to 
the mustard ! '^ " He was from South Carolina," said B.^ 



212 CAMP REMINISCENCES. 

wlien he told this story, " and they eat rice down thero 
some- what." 

For the following, Lieut. AY. of the Engineers is re- 
sponsible. He told it to me in 1852, at the Cafe of Do- 
ininico, in Havana. 

Old Col. Tom S. of the Infantry, a very large, burly, red- 
faced gentleman, with a snow-white head and a voice like a 
bass trombone, has an unfortunate habit of thinking out loud. 
While stationed temporarily in Washington, the old gentle- 
man one Sunday morning, took it into his head to go to 
church, where he took a seat in a, pow beneath the pulpit, 
and, prayer-book in hand, attentively followed the clergyman 
through the service. It happened to be the 17th day of the 
month ; but in giving out the Psalms for the day, the Rev. 
Mr. P. made a mistake and announced — '' The IGth day of 
the month, morning prayer, beginning at the 79th Psalm." 
When to the astonishment of the congregation, Old Col. Tom 
in the pew below, in a deep bass voice thought aloud — " The 
11th day of the month, hy Jupiter ! " The clergyman im- 
mediately corrected himself — " Ah ! the 17th day of the 
month, morning prayer, beginning at the 86th Psalm." 
When the propriety of the assembly was immediately dis- 
turbed by another thought from Old Tom, who in the same 
deep tone remarked, " Had himthere! " He had, certainly, 
and the congregation also. 

Two years ago, when the gallant Col. Magruder, of con- 
vivial memory, commanded the U. S. forces at the Mission 
of San Biego, it entered into that officer's head to execute a 



CAMP REMINISCENCES. 213 

serenade for the behoof of certain fair ladies then honoring 
New Town with their presence. Accordicgly all the officers 
of the mess who could sing, play, or beat time, were pressed 
into the service, and one night about 12 o'clock, a jolly crowd 
loft the Mission for New Town, in a large v/agon plentifully 
furnished with guitars, flutes, and other arangements of a 
musical nature. Among the rest, a jovial young surgeon, 
attached to the command, had installed himself on the back 
scat, with Jiis instrument ; which happened on this occasion 
to be a bottle of whiskey, and on which he played during the 
ride with such effect as to have raised his spirits on the ar- 
rival at New Town, considerably above the fifth ledger line. 
You may remember a Bowery song, rather popular in those 
days, the chorus of which ran — 



" Oh my name is Jake Keyser, I was born in Spring Garden, 
To make me a preacher, my father did try ; 
But it's no use a blowing, for I am a hard one, 
And I am bound to be a butcher, by Heavens, or die." 



This unfortunate song had somehow or other occurred to 
the Doctor, he couldn't get rid of it, he couldn't help singing 
it ; and accordingly when the whole party were duly ranged 
beneath the window and with flutes and voices upraised, were 
solemnly bleating forth 

"Oft in the stilly night," 

the entertainments were disagreeably varied ; for far louder 



214 CAMP REMINISCENCES. 

than tlie " stilly niglit," rang the wild medical chant, only 
varied by an occasional hie, 

*' Oh my name is Jake Keyser," &c. 

This was not to be borne ; so turning fiercely on the de- 
linquent Esculapius, Col. Magruder commanded him to 
desist from the interruption, and to " thenceforth hold his 
peace." 

With admirable strategy the Doctor backed up against 
an adjacent fence, where he could deliver himself safely and 
to advantage, and with most intense dignity replied — " Col. 
Magrudger, I'm rofficer of the arry, when I'm ath' Mission, 
I'm under your orrers ; consider se'f so — and — obey 'im ; But^ 
when I'm down here sir ! serrerading — " Oh^ J'm hound to 
he a hutcher, hy Heavens^ or die I whoop ! " and after per- 
forming an extempore dance, of a frantic description ^ during 
which he fell to the earth, the Doctor was borne by main 
force to the wagon, where he slept at intervals during the re- 
mainder of the serenade, occasionally waking as some flourish 
of extra shrillness or power occurred, to mutter incoherently, 
that his " name was Jake Keyser." 

My last sheet of paper is exhausted, so I presume is 
your patience. I have glanced hastily over my work to see 
if there is any thing that Miss Pecksniff may object to ; I 
see nothing. A little blank swearing, to be sure, but I 
grieve to say that it is difficult to relate stories without, for 
since the days of Uncle Toby and the Flanders campaign 



CAMP REMINISCENCES. _ 21& 

there is no question but what the army have sworn terribly ; 
but I really believe that " they don't mean any thing by it, 
it's j ust a way they've got," which is a remark made by an 
affectionate father, when told that his seven children had all 
been seized with the measles in one night. — Adieu. 

" When other lips and otlier hearts," «Scc. 

Tours respectively. 



JONN PHCENIX TO THE PIONEEK. 

' San Diego, Cal., April 20tb, 1S54. 

On receiving my long-promised file of The Pioneer^ accom- 
panied by your affecting entreaty to " Come over into Mace- 
donia and help us," deeply impressed with the importance of 
the crisis, I rushed about this village as wildly as a fowl de- 
capitated, but with purpose more intent. 

Hastily collecting our Improvisator!, including " the 
Squire," " his Reverence," and the funny " Scheherazade," 
I besought them in the name of humanity, and by the mem- 
ory of Miller, to tell me quickly their choicest anecdotes, 
their raciest puns, and newest conundrums, that I might 
collate them for your benefit, and San Diego assume its prop- 
er literary position at (not under) your editorial table. My 
success was encouraging, and I herewith present you a choice 
selection of the anecdotes accumulated, which have at least the 
merit claimed by the late Ben Jonson for an original piece of 
blank verse ; for " Poetry or not poetry, they're true by 



JOHN PPKENIX TO THE PIONEER. 217 

Heavens." In the course of my researclies, I collected many 
quite new and particularly shocking sayings of blasphemous 
little children ; hut I shall not tell you these, for with all due 
deference to the taste of those who have rendered this style 
of literature fashionable of late, I cannot refrain from ex- 
pressing the opinion that the subject has been rather " insert- 
ed in the earth ; " and if that wicked old Clark, of the 
Kniclx^erhocker^ don't roast hereafter for starting it, we're go- 
ing to have a much easier time in the next world than my 
knowledge of the Scriptures gives reason to believe. " De 
gustibus non est disputandum," as the old lady remarked 
with an aifectionate simper, when she kissed her cow. Here 
are the stories — raira. 

In 1849, " Jacks & Woodruff" kept on Clay street, just 
above Kearney, one of the largest jewelry establishments in 
San Francisco. Jacks (who, by the way, is one of the fun- 
niest men that ever lived), being well-known and universally 
popular, in order to let new arrivals among his home ac- 
quaintances know that he was rounds had his name, Pulaski 
Jacks, painted in big capitals on a sheet of tin, and nailed 
up beside the door. One day a tall, yellow-haired, sun-burned 
Pike, in the butternut-colored hat, coat and so forths '^ of 
the period," entered and accosted Woodruff, who was behind 
the counter, with, " Say, stranger, I want to take a look of 
them new-fangled things of yourn." " What things, sir ? " 
" Yf hy them Pulaski Jacks ! " " Why that," said Woodruff, 
laughing, " is my partner's name. Jacks & Woodruff; name's 
Pulaski— Pulaski Jacks— see ? " " No ! " said Pike, " is it 1 " 
10 



218 JOHN PHCKNIX TO THE PIONEER. 

Well, looks like ; darned if I knowed it ttougli ; I swar I 
didn't know as they was hoot-jacTcs or jach-asses ; lio ! ho ! " 
And taking another good long look at the object of his curios- 
ity, he travelled. Jacks took that tin thing down. — Sug- 
gestive, this is, of a story told us not long since hy Maj. E. 
of the army, which we are not aware ever appeared before in 
print ; " least-ways," we never saw it. A solemn-looking fel- 
low, with a certain air of dry humor about the corners of his 
rather sanctimonious mouth, stepped quietly one day, into 
the tailoring establishment of " Call & Tuttle," Boston, Mass., 
and quietly remarked to the clerk in attendance, " I want to 
tuHJey " What do you mean, sir ? " inquired the astonished 
official. " Well," rejoined he, " I want to tuttle — noticed your 
invitation over the door, so I called^ and now I should like to 
tuttle ! " He was ordered to leave the establishment, which he 
did, with a look of angry wonder, grumbling, sotto voce^ that it 
seemed devilish hard he couldn't be allowed to tuttle after an 
express invitation. — And this again reminds us of a facetious 
performance of the late J. P. Squibob, who, " once on a time," 
■while walking down Pennsylvania Avenue, was sorely mysti- 
fied by a modest little sign, standing in the window of a neat 
little shop on the left-hand side as you go down. The sign 
bore, ingayly painted letters, the legend, " Washington Ladies' 
Depository." Flattening his nose against the window, Squi- 
bob descried two ladies, whom he describes as of exceeding 
beauty, neatly dressed and busily engaged in sewing, behind 
a little counter. The fore-ground was filled with lace caps, 
babies' stockings, compresses for the waist, capes, collars and 



JOHN PHOENIX TO THE PIONEER. 219 

other articles of still life. Hat in hand. Squibob reverently 
entered, and with intense politeness, addressed one of the 
ladies as follows : " Madam, I perceive by your sign that this 
is the depository for Washington ladies ; I am going to the 
North for a few days, and should be pleased to leave my 
wife in your charge — But I don't know, if by your rules you 
could receive her, as she is a Baltimore woman ! " " One of 
the ladies," says Squibob, " a pretty little girl in a blue dress 
sewing on a thing that looked like a pillow-case with, arm- 
holes, turned vefy red, and holding down her head, made the 
remark ' te he ! ' But the elder of the twain, after making 
as if she would laugh, but by a strong-minded effort holding 
in, replied, ' Sir, you have made a mistake ; this is the place 
where the society of Washington ladies deposit their work, 
to be sold for the benefit of the distressed natives of the 
Island of Fernando de Noronha,' or words to that effect." 
Gravely did the wicked Squibob bow, all solemnly begged 
her pardon, and putting on his hat, walked off, followed by a 
sound from that depository, as of an autumnal brook, gurgling 
and babbling gayly over its pebbly bed in a New England 
forest. 

My stock is my no means exhausted, but " Demasiado de 
una cosa huena es demasiado,^^ as Don Juan remarked when 
he took twenty-four Brandreth's pills and his wife earnestly 
solicited him to swallow the box. Next month, Deo volente^ 
you shall hear from me again ; till then adieu. 



ESYIEW OF NEW BOOKS. 

PEEPARED BY JOHN PHCENIX. 

Lijv ik\\,d Times of Jojsjph Bowers the. Elder. Collated from 
Unpichlished Fa^yers of the Late John P. Squihoh. By 
J. Bowers, Jr. Vallecitos : Hyde & Seekim, 1854. 

Many of your readers \-\ill doubtless remember to have been 
occasionally mystified, wLen, struck by the remarkable beauty 
of some passing female stranger, or by tbe fiasbes of wit 
sparkling from tlie lips of some gentlemanly unknown, on 
making the inc[uiry, " Who is that ? ' the reply has been given, 
' Oh that is one of old Joe Bowers' girls/' or boys, as the 
case may have been ; and they will also remember that when 
about to propound the naturally succeeding question, " "Who 
is Old Joe Bowers ? " they have been deterred from so doing, 
by a peculiar smile, and an indefinable glance of the eye, ap- 
proximating to what is vulgarly termed a wink, on the part 
of their informant. 



REVIEW OP NEW BOOKS. 221 

Such persons, and indeed all who seek to improve their 
minds by indulging a wholesome curiosity as to the private 
history of the good and great of earth, will be glad to hear 
that this question of " Who is Joseph Bowers? " is about to 
be definitely answered. 

Through the kindness of Messrs. Hyde and Seekim of Yal- 
lecitos, we have been permitted to glance over the proof-sheets 
of their forthcoming work, the title of which is given above, 
and to make therefrom such selections as we may deem suf- 
ficient to interest the public in promoting the filial design of 
the younger Bowers, to transmit the name and virtues of his 
honored sire to posterity. 

Joseph Bowers the elder (or as he is familiarly known, 
" Old Joe Bowers "), we learn from this history, was born 
in Ypsilanti, Washtenaw county, Michigan, on the first day 
of April, 1776, of " poor but honest parents." His father, 
during the troubles of the revolutionary struggle, was en- 
gaged in business as a malefactor in western New York, from 
which part :f the country he was compelled to emigrate, by 
the prejudioDS and annoyances of the bigoted settlers among 
whom he had for many years conducted his operations. Emi- 
grating suddenly, in fact " with such precipitation," says the 
narrator, " that my grandfather took nothing with him of his 
large property, but a single shirt, which he happened to have 
about him at the time he formed his resolution," he found 
himself after a journey of several days, of vicissitude and suf- 
fering, upon the summit of a hill overlooking a beautiful val- 
ley in the fertile State of Michigan. Struck by the beauty 



222 REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. 

of the surrounding scenery, lie leaped from tlie ground in liia 
enthusiasm, and cracking his heels twice together while in 
the air (" by which " says the narrator, with much naiveti', 
" my grandfother didn't mean anything, it was just a way 
he'd got "), he uttered the stirring cry of '' Yip ! — silanti ! " 
from which memorable circumstance the place thereafter took 
its name. Here he finally settled, and marrying afterward a 
young lady whom the author somewhat obscurely speaks of 
as " one of 'em," had issue, the subject of this narrative, and 
finally ended his career of usefulness, by falling from a cart 
in which he had been standinix, addressino; a numerous audi- 
once, and in which fall he unfortunately broke his neck. 

Our limits will not permit us at present to d-o more than 
glance hastily over the stirring incidents in the life of the 
elder Bowers. He appears to have been connected in some 
way with almost every prominent event of the times in which 
he lived. "We find him a servant and afterwards a confiden- 
tial friend and adviser of Gen. Cass ; consulted on matters 
of religion by Gen. Jackson ; an admirer of one of Col. Dick 
Johnson's daughters (by the way it was Bowers who slew 
Tecumseh !), an ardent admirer and intimate friend of Mr. 
Tyler ; Gen. Pillow's military adviser ; special messenger 
from Mr. Polk to Santa Anna ; professional adviser of Mr, 
Corwin in the matter of the Gardner Claim ; the first to 
nominate Mr. Pierce for the Presidency, and after his arri- 
val in California, the agent of Limantour ; friend and Secre- 
tary of Pio Pico ; adviser of Walker ; amanuensis for Peck ; 
owner of a great part of the extended Water Front of San 



REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. 223 

Francisco, and a partner in a celebrated Candy Manufactory 
on Long "Wharf, with a Branch in "Washington street. His 
literary labors and success have been great ; few of your 
readers but have seen his signature (Anon.) in Newspapers, 
Magazines, the New E-eader and First Class Eooks ; he has 
edited several of our City papers, and we add it in a whis- 
per, is 

The author of Idealina. 

We may hereafter revert to these incidents in his event- 
ful life ; at present, as we before remarked, our limits forbid 
our enlarging upon them, as wc wish to make room for a few 
extracts from the work, which, exhibiting the great man's 
manner of thought and expression, will do more toward giv- 
ing our readers an insight into his character, than would 
pages of his biography, — ^we quote from p. 45, vol. 1 : 

" ily father had been much annoyed by reading certain let- 
ters from New York to the Alta California, signed ' W.' The 
plagiarisms and egotistic remarks of which they were made up 
disgusted him. They remind me, he said — expectorating upon the 
carpet, a habit he had when much offended — of the back of a 
lady's dress ; they are all hooks and I's. I ventured to ask him, 
why he did not reply to them ? Sir, said he, making a beautiful 
adaptation that I have never heard equalled, ' Where impudence 
13 wit^ His folly to rephj .'" " 

Comment is unnecessary ; let us proceed, p. 47, vol. 1. 

" On arriving at Nevada, we unsaddled and turned out our 
horses, and taking our saddles and blankets beneath our arms, re- 



224 REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS, 

paired to the Inn. My father was exceedingly fatigued by tha 
journey, and hastened to throw himself into the first chair that 
offered. As he did so, I thoughtlessly drew the chair from under 
him, and much to my sorrow and chagrin he fell with great vio 
lence upon the floor. The shock with which he came down dis- 
composed him not a little, and a paper of pump tacks which had 
fallen from the table and scattered over the floor exactly where 
he was seated, materially increased his uneasiness. 

" I shall not soon forget his indignant reproof. ' Joseph, my 
son,' said he, ' never, never again attempt a practical joke ; it is 
a false, unfeeling, traitorous amusement. Remember, sir,' said 
he, as he painfully rose, and reached to the table for a small claw 
hammer to draw the tacks, ' remember the fate of the first prac- 
tical joker and profit thereby ; ' I ventured humbly to ask him 
who this was ; ' Judas Iscariot,' he replied with bitterness, ' he 
sold his master, and you know well what came of it.' I was 
overpowered with remorse." 

This is very affecting. On p. 49, we find the following : 

" We were much disturbed during the night by the hoarse 
braying of a donkey in the stable-yard. I remarked to my father 
that he (the donkey) was suffering with a bronchial complaint; 
and on his inquiring why, replied, that he had an ass-ma, subse- 
quently explaining the intended play upon the word asthma. 
Upon comprehending with some difiiculty my meaning, my father 
immediately rose, and taking his blanket, in indignant silence 
left the room and the house, passing the night, as I afterwards 
learnecl, in angry meditation beneath a tree in the Plaza." 

Very properly we think. The following is rather amusing, 
p. 108, vol 1: 

" After his second interview with Senator Peck, I endeavored 
to learn from my father the result of his proposal. ' Peck talks 



REVIEW OP NEW BOOKS. 223 

a great deal,' said he, ' but it is very diflScult to tell what he is 
going to do ; or to what side he belongs. In fact I begin to be- 
lieve he is all tallc and no cider/ ^ " 

Precisely the opinion expressed by a number of others. 
Turning back to page 82, vol. 1, we find the following: 

" I turned to my father and asked him why it was that women 
were so frequently robbed by pick-pockets, in public carriages ; 
'they must,' I observed, 'be conscious that the rogues are feehng 
about them.' 'Yes,' he replied, 'but ' a fellow feeling makes 
them wondrous kind.' ' I was struck by the force of this re- 
mark." 

Probably. Thus much for young Joe. On taking up the 
second volume, we find it mainly filled with incidents in the 
life of the elder Bowers, from the pen of the lamented J. P. 
Squibob,who, it appears, during his life, contemplated getting 
up, himself, the work which young Bowers has completed. 
We make a few extracts in which the style of the lamented 
S , will be readily recognized, 

" ' Ko man,' said Bowers, sententiously, ' should indulge in 
more than one bad habit at a time. If I am a drunkard, it is no 
reason why I should ruin my character by gambhng or licentious- 
ness ; or, if I love the ladies inordinately,' and here the old fel- 
low looked indescribably waggish, 'why should I add to the 
enormity by indulging also in cards and liquor ? No,' added he, 
' one bad habit is enough for any man to indulge in.' " 

"'And why, Mr. Bowers,' said Jones, 'have you given up 
smoking ? ' 

"'Because I cheics,'' replied the old fellow, with a quiet 
chuckle, ' and therein I carry out my principle." 
10* 



226 REVIEW OP NEW BOOKS. 

"Jones pondered a minute, but he couldn't ' see it/ and shak- 
ing his head musingly, he slowly dispersed." — p. 19. 

Mr. Bowers mentioned to me as deserving the commisera- 
tion of the charitable and beneyoleut^ the distressing case of 
a journeyman shoemaker %oho had lost his little mcl — p. 3.1, 
vol. 2. 

The following smacks, to ns, slightly of •' Jeems : '^ 

" It was on a lovely morning in the sweet spring ti:ne, when 
* two horsemen might have be.^n seen ' sloAvly descending one of 
iho gentle acclivities that environ the picturesque village of San 
Diego. It was a bright and a sunny day, and the shrnbbory and 
trees around Avere alive with the harmonious warbling of the 
feathered songsters of the grove. ' x\nd oh ! ' sighed the younger 
of the twain, 'would that my existence might be like that of 
these fair birds — one constant, unwearying dream of love.' 
' Aye,' responded the elder, a man of years and of experience, 
known to the readers of this history as Joseph Bowers the elder, 
' Aye, my brave youth, they are indeed a happy rao3, and the 
spring is to them their happiest season, for they are now engaged 
in pairing.' 

'•'And where, my father,' inquired the curious youth, 'do 
they go to pair ? ' 

"' Up into the fear-trees, prolabhj,'' rejoined old Joe, with a 
quaint smile. 

" The son, with the air of one who has acquired a curious and 
useful piece of information, rode quietly on, and the silence that 
ensued was unbroken, but by his asking his parent for the 
tobacco, until they arrived at the village." — ^p. 47. 

Young Bowers was reading to the author of his existence, 
§ome passages from Lickspittle's life of General Pierce, of 
whom (the general, not the anthor) old Joe is a great admirer. 



REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. 227 

On arriving at that aiFecting anecdote of the liberality of the 
Greneral in bestowing a cent upon a forlorn boy to enable him 
to purchase candy like his playmates, Bowers commanded his 
offspring to pause. Young Joe reverently obeyed. 

" 'The General,' said Joseph dogmatically, ' should never have 
mentioned that circumstance, never." 

" ' And why, my father ? ' asked his son. 

" ' Because,' replied the philosopher, ' Silence gives a cent^ or 
I've read my Bible to very little purpose.' 
• " And acknowledging the application of Scripture by a con- 
curring nod, young Joe resumed his literary labors, and his father 
the pipe, which he had withdrawn for the enunciation of his 
sentiments." — p. 81, vol. 2. 

With the following exquisite morgeau from the pen of old 
Joe Bowers himself, it being the commencement of a tale, 
which concludes the book, we must conclude our extracts. 

The tale is entitled " The Bun Filly of Arkansas, or 
Thereby Hangs a Tail." 

" Many a long year ago, when the ' Child's Own Book' was 
all true — when fairies peopled every moonlit glen, and animals 
enjoyed the power of conversation, in a sequestered dell, beneath 
the shadow of a mighty oak, upon a carpet of the springiest and 
most verdant moss, disported a noble horse of Arabian blood, 
and his snow-whit3 bride,' The Lily of the Prairie.' 

" ' And oh ! my noble lover,' said the Lily, as in playful ten- 
derness she seized and shook between her teeth, a lock of his coal-' 
black mane, ' may I indeed believe thy vows ? Hast thou forgot- 
ten for aye, the dun filly of Arkansas ? And wilt thou ever, ever 
• be faithless to me again V 

" ' Nay, dearest,' he replied. 

*' And she neighed.''^ 



228 REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. 

From these extracts, the reader will get an idea of th« 
nature of the forthcoming work, which we trust will find a 
place on their centre-tables, in their libraries and reading- 
rooms. We subjoin a few notices from the southern presSj 
handed us by Mr. Bowers ; the marks in the margin of each 
having been made with a pencil, probably by himself : 

" The most elegant book of the season — with greater attrac- 
tions for the eye of taste and the enlightened mind than any 
other," — Vallecitos Sentinel. $1,25, pel. 

" These volumes will have a permanent and increasing value, 
and will adorn the libraries and centre-tables of American fami- 
lies as long as American literature continues to be read." — San 
Iscibel Vaquero. $3 pd.for two insertions.^ and another notice for 
tiDO bottles of whisTcey y — J. B. 

" This superb and elegant affair is tTie book of the season un- 
questionably. — Penasquitas Picaron. 4s. tico drin^s^ and invited' 
Mm to dinner.''"' — J. B. 

" The typography of these volumes is all that could be de- 
sired. Nothing superior to it has been issued from the American 
Press, Bowers will be among American classics, what Goldsmith 
is among those of Fatherland. It is an elegant edition of tl e 
works of our foremost writer in the belles lettres department of 
literature." — Soledad Filibuster. $5, drinJc^ string of fishy and 
half-pig when I iill, — J B. 



PHCENIX AT BEKICTA, 

Benicia, Cal., 10th June, 1853. 

I OBSERVED your pathetic inquiry as to my whereabouts. I'm 
all right, sir. I have been vegetating for two or three weeks 
in this sweet (scented) place, enjoying myself, after a manner, 
in " a tranquil cot, in a pleasant spot, with a distant view of 
the changing sea." Howbeit, Benicia is not a Paradise. In- 
deed, I am inclined to think that had Adam and Eve been 
originally placed here, the human race would never have been 
propagated. It is my impression that the heat, and the windj 
and some other little Benician accidents, would have been too 
much for them. It would have puzzled them, moreover, to 
disobey their instructions ; for there is no Tree of Knowledge, 
or any other kind in Benicia ; but if they had managed this, 
what, in the absence of fig-leaves, would they have done for 
clothing ? Maybe tule would have answered the purpose—* 
there's plenty of that. I remarked to my old friend. Miss 
"Wiggins, the other day, in a conversation on Benicia, its ad» 
vantages and its drawbacks, that there was not much society 



230 ruacNix at nENiriA. 

horo. " AVal," ropliod tlio old laily, " tliar'a two^ tlio Moth 
odiata and Mr. Woodbridgo's, but I don't belong to nutlior. 
" I don't either," said I, and the conversation terniinatcd. 

1 liardlv know Avhat to Nvrite to you; [ remind nivaelf of 
the old Methodist Elder, way doNvn on tho French Broad, in 
Tennessee, who was unexpectedly callod upon to address a 
Cnnip-jMeeting. He slowly rose and ejaculated, '^ .l)rutherin," 
— here an idea struck him — '' l>rutherin," k-aid he, *' the term 
Bruthenri arose from an old custom of tho Apostles, who 
used to go up to tho tabernacle and Jrcatlie iherein ! Ilenco 
tho term, Brntherin. But my brntlierin," ho went on, " I'm 
not a going to take my text from any particular part of 
tho Bible to-night. I'll tell yon," said he, with a pleasant 
smile, as ho warmed \o his work, " I'll tell you all about 
old brother Paul — who went down to Corinth and got into 
an all-fired scrape — and was knocked down — and drug out — 
and \ch thar for dead — all of which is written by Hollicar- 
nassus, up tho Archijx^lago — bless-ed bo tho Lord ! " Now, 
like this " ancient worthy," who by tho way went on and 
made a very eflective speech of it, I'm not going to take my 
text from any thing in particular, but I will commence thia 
rambling epistlo by an anecdote of "old Brother" Tush- 
maker, which I think extremely probable has never yet been 
published. 

Dr. Tushmaker was never regularly bred as a physician, 
or surgeon, but he possessed naturally a strong mechanical 
genius and a fine appetite; and finding his teeth of great ser- 
vioo in gratifying the latter propensity, ho concluded that h« 



PHCENIX AT BENICIA. 23 i 

could do more good in the world and create more real happi- 
ness therein bj putting the teeth of its inhabitants in gooa 
order, than in any other way ; so Tushmaker became a den- 
tist. He was the man that first invented the method of 
placing small cog-wheels in the back teeth for the more per- 
fect mastication of food, and he claimed to be the original 
discoverer of that method of filling cavities with a kind of 
putty, which, becoming hard directly, causes the tooth to 
ache so grievously that it has to be pulled, thereby giving 
the dentist two successive fees for the same job. Tushmaker 
was one day seated in his ofiice, in the city of Boston, Mas- 
sachusetts, when a stout old fellow named Byles presented him- 
self to have a back tooth drawn. The dentist seated his 
patient in the chair of torture, and opening his mouth, dis- 
covered there an enormous tooth, on the right-hand side, 
about as large, as he afterwards expressed it, " as a small 
Polyglot Bible." I shall have trouble with this tooth, 
thought Tushmaker, but he clapped on his heaviest forceps, 
and pulled. It didn't come. Then he tried the turn-screw, 
exerting his utmost strength, but the tooth wouldn't stir. 
^' Gt away from here," said Tushmaker to Byles, " and return 
in a week, and I'll draw that tooth for you, or know the rea- 
son why." Byles got up, clapped a handkerchief to his jaw, 
and put forth. Then the dentist went to work, and in three 
days he invented an instrument which he was confident would 
pull any thing. It was a combination of the lever, pulley, 
wheel and axle, inclined plane, wedge and screw. The cast- 
ings were made, and the machine put up in the office, over an 



232 pnCENIX AT BENICIA. 

iron chair, rendered perfectly stationary by iron rods going 
down into the foundations of the granite building. In a week 
old Byles returned ; he was clamped into the iron chair, the 
forceps connected with the machine attached firmly to the 
tooth, and Tushmaker stationing himself in the rear, took 
hold of a lever four feet in length. He turned it slightly 
Old Byles gave a groan, and lifted his right leg. Another 
turn ; another groan, and up went the leg again. " What do 
you raise your leg for ? " asked the doctor. "I can't help 
it," said the patient. " Well," rejoined Tushmaker, " that 
tooth is bound to come now." He turned the lever clear 
round, with a sudden jerk, and snapped old Byles' head clean 
and clear from his shoulders, leaving a space of four inches 
between the severed parts ! They had a post mortem exam- 
ination — the roots of the tooth were found extending down 
the right side, through the right leg, and turning up in two 
prongs under the sole of the right foot 1 " No wonder," said 
Tushmaker, " he raised his right leg." The jury thought so 
too, but they found the roots much decayed, and five surgeons 
swearing that mortification would have ensued in a few 
months, Tushmaker was cleared on a verdict of "justifiable 
homicide." He was a little shy of that instrument for some 
time afterward ; but one day an old lady, feeble and flaccid, 
came in to have a tooth drawn, and thinking it would come 
out very easy, Tushmaker concluded, just by way of variety, 
to try the machine. He did so, and at the first turn drew 
the old lady's skeleton completely and entirely from her body, 
leaving her a mass of quivering jelly in her chair I Tush* 



PIKENIX AT BENICIA. 233 

maker took her home in a pillow-case. She lived seven years 
after that, and they called her the " India-Ruhber "Woman."' 
She had suifered terribly with the rheumatism, but after this 
occurrence never had a pain in her bones. The dentist kept 
tliem in a glass case. After this, the machine was sold to the 
contractor of the Boston Custom-Housc, and it was found 
that a child of three years of age could, by a single turn of 
the screw, raise a stone weighing twenty-three tons. Smaller 
ones were made, on the same principle, and sold to the keepers 
of hotels and restaurants. They were used for boning tur- 
keys. There is no moral to this story whatever, and it ia 
possible that the circumstances may have become slightly 
exaggerated. Of course, there can be no doubt of the truth 
of the main incidents. 

The following maritime anecdote was related to me by a 
small man in a pea-jacket and sou'-wester hat, who had salt 
standing in crusts all over his face. AVhen I asked him if it 
were true, he replied, " The jib-sheet's a rope, and the helm's 
a tiller." I guess it's all right. 

Manj^years ago, on a stormy and inclement evening, " in 
the bleak December," old Miss Tarbox, accompanied by her 
niece, Mary Ann Stackpole, sailed from Holmes's Hole to 
Cotuit, in the topsail schooner Two Susans, Captain Black- 
ler. " The rains descended, and the floods came, and the 
winds blew and beat upon " that schooner, and great was the 
tossing and pitching thereof; while Captain Blackler, and his 
hardy crew, " kept her to it," and old Miss Tarbox and her 
niece rolled about in their uncomfortable bunks, wishing 



234 PH(ENIX AT BENICIA. 

themselves back in Holmes's Hole, or any other hole, on the 
dry land. The shouts of Captain Blackler as he trod the 
deck, conveying orders for " tacking ship," were distinctly 
audible to the afflicted females below ; and " Oh ! " groaned 
old Miss Tarbox, during a tranquil interval of her internal 
economy, as for the fifteenth time the schooner " went in 
stays," " what a drefful time them pore creeturs of sailors is 
a having on't. Just listen to Jim Blackler, Mary Ann, and 
hear how he is ordering about that pore fellow, Hardy Lee. 
I've heerd that creetur hollered for twenty times this blessed 
night, if I have onst." " Yes," replied the wretched Mary 
Ann, as she gave a fearful retch to starboard, " but he ain't 
no worse off than poor Taujpsle Hall — he seems to ketch it 
as bad as Hardy." " I wonder who they be," mused old Miss 
Tarbox ; " I knowed a Miss Hall, that lived at Seekonk Pint 
oncet — ^mebbe it's her son." A tremendous sea taking the 
" Two Susans " on her quarter at this instant, put a stop to 
the old lady's cogitations ; but they had an awful night of 
it — and still above the roaring of the wind, the whistling and 
clashing of the shrouds, the dash of the sea, and the tramp 
of the &ailors, was heard the voice of stout Captain Blackler, 
as he shouted, " Stations ! Hard a lee ! Tbp'sle haul ! Let 
go and haul," — and the " Two Susans " went about. And, 
as old Miss Tarbox remarked years afterward, when she and 
Mary Ann had discovered their mistake, and laughed thereat, 
^' Anybody that's never been to sea, won't see no pint to this 
Btory." 

Circumstances over which I have no control, will soon 



PHCENIX AT BENICIA. 235 

call me to a residence in "Washington Territory, a beautiful 
and fertile field of usefulness, named for the " Father of his 
Country," who, I am led to understand, was " first in peace, 
first in war, and first in the hearts of his countrymen." As 
the Kentuckian remarked, " I may be heered on again, but I 
stand about as much chance as a bar going to the in- 
fernal regions (not to put too fine a point on it) without any 
claws." Before I go, however, I will endeavor to give you 
a little history of the rise, progress and decline of " My San 
Diego Lawsidt^^ which I think you and your readers will 
find curious, if not amusing. Adieu. 

P. S. — You think this a stupid letter, perhaps ? Think 
of my surroundings, young man ! 'Tis not often you get a 
g3od thing out of Nazareth. Oh, Benicia, Benicia, '' don't 
you cry for me," for I positively assure you, the feeling will 
not be reciprocated. 



LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 

CORRESPONDENCE. 

San Fkaxcisco, Oct 10, ISM. 
To Professor John Phcexix, Esq., San Diego Observatory. 

Dear Sir : — Perceiving liy pemsal of your interesting article on Astro- 
nomy, that you have an organ which it is presumed you Avould like to dis- 
pose of, I am instructed by the vestry of the meeting-house on sti-eet, 

to enter into a negotiation with you for its purchase. Please state by re- 
turn of mall, whether or no the organ is for sale ; if so, the price, and if 
it is in good repair, and plays serious tunes. 

Very truly your?, 

A. Slekk Stiggins, 
Ruling Elder and Agent for the sale of Stiggins' Elder Blow Tea. 

Pkof. Piicenix has the honor to acknowledge the receipt 
of Mr. Stiggins' polite communication, and regrets to in- 
form him that the organ alluded to has been disposed of to a 
member of the Turn-verein Association. Owing to some 
^^ fatuity or crookedness of mind,''^ on the part of the manu 
facturer, the organ never could be made to play but one 



LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 237 

tune, " The Low Backed Car," which Prof. Phoenix con- 
siders a most sad and plaintive melody, calculated to fill 
the mind with serious and melancholy emotions. Prof. P. 
takes occasion to inform Mr. S., that he has a bass trombone 
in his possession, which, with a double convex lens fitted in 
the mouth-piece, he has used in his observations on the stars. 
This instrument will be for sale at the conclusion of this 
course of lectures, and if adapted to Mr. Stiggins' purpose, 
is very much at his service. 



LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY— PART IL 



This planet may be easily recognized by its bright, ruddy 
appearance, and its steady light. It resembles in size and 
color the stars Arcturus, in Bootes, and Antares, in Scorpio ; 
but, as it is not like them, continually winking, we may con- 
sider it, in some respects, a body of superior gravity. Our 
readers will be pleased to learn that Mars is an oblate 
spheroid, with a diameter of 4,222 miles. It is seven times 
smaller than the Earth; its day is forty-four minutes longer 
than ours, and its year is equal to twenty- two and a half of 
our months. It receives from the sun only one half as much 
light and heat as the Earth, and has no moon ; which, in 
some respects, may be considered a blessing, as the poets of 
Mars cannot be eternally writing sonnets on that subject. 



i23S LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 

Mars takes its name from tho God of War, tfIio was ootv 
siderod tlio patron of soldiers, usually termed sous of I\Iars, 
though it was \Yell rinuarked bv some philosopher, that they 
are generally sous of pa's also. Maeauley, lunvoN or, in his 
severe review of '* lluusou's Life of the llov Eloazor Wil- 
liams," remarks with great origiunlity, that ''It is a wise 
child that knows its own father/' 

jMars is also the tutelary divinity o( filibusters, and wo 
are informed by several of the late troops of the late Presi- 
dent William AValker, that this planet was of great use in 
guiding that potentate during his late nocturnal rambles 
through the late Ivepublic of Sonora. The ruddy appearaneo 
of Mars is not attributed to his former bad habits, but to the 
great height of his atmosphere, whieh must bo very favorable 
to the :vronauts of that region, where, doubtless, ballooning 
is the prineipal method oi' loeoniotion. Upon the whole, 
Mars is but a eoUl and ill-eonditioned planet, and if, as 
sonu^ persons believe, the souls of deeeased soldiers are sent 
thither, there can be little indueeuumt to die in serviee, lui- 
less, indeed, larger supplies of eommissary whiskey and io- 
baeeo are to be foimd there than the present telescopic ob- 
servatio'is would lead us to believe. 

This magnificent planet is the largest body, excepting 
the 8uu, in tho Solar System. " It may be readily dis- 
tinguished from the fixed stars by its peculiar splendor and 
magnitude, appearing to tho unclothed eje, almost as re- 



LECTURES ON ASTEONOMY. 239 

Bplcndent as VcriuH, altliougli it is more than seven timos 
her di,starice frorii the Sun." Its day is hut nine hours, fifty- 
live minutes and fifty seconds; hut it lias ratlier a lengtliy 
year, equivalent to nearly twelve years of our time. It is 
ujjout tliirteen hundred times larger tlian the Earth. 

In consequence of the rapid movement of Jupiter upon 
his axis, his form is that of an oblate spheroid, very consider- 
ahly flattened at its poles, and the immense centrifugal 
force resulting from this movement (20,554 miles per hour), 
would, undoubtedly, have long since caused him to fly 
asunder, were it not for a wise provision of nature, which 
has caused enormous belts or hoops, to encircle his entire 
surface. 

These hoops, usually termed belts, are plainly visible 
through the telescope. They are eight in number, and arc 
supposed to be made of gutta percha, with an outer edge of 
No. 1 boiler iron. Owing to the great distance of Jupiter 
from the Sun, he receives but one twenty-seventh part of the 
liglit and heat that we do from that body. To preserve the 
great balance of Nature, it is therefore probable, that the 
whales of Jupiter are twenty-seven times larger than ours, 
and that twenty-seven times as much cord-wood is cut on 
that planet as on the Earth. 

The axis of Jupiter is perpendicular to the plane of its 
orbit ; hence its climate has no variation of seasons in the 
same latitude. It has four moons, three of which may bo 
readily discerned with an ordinary spy-glass. By observa- 
tion on the eclipses of these Batellitcs, the velocity of light 



240 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 

has been measured, and we find tliat light is precisely eight 
minutes and thirteen seconds in coming to us from the Sun. 
According to the poet, " the light of other days " has a con- 
siderably slow motion. Jupiter, in the Heathen Mythology, 
was the King of the Gods. As there can be no doubt that, 
with the progress of time, advancement in liberal ideas, and 
a knowledge of the immortal principles of democracy, has 
obtained among these divinities, it is probable that he has 
long since been deposed, and his kingdom converted into a 
republic, over whose destinies, according to the well-known 
principles of availability, some one-eyed Cyclops, unknown 
to fame, has probably been elected to preside. His repre- 
sentative will, however, always remain King of the Planets, 
while such thino;s as kino;s exist ; after which he will become 
their undisputed president. Jupiter is the patron of Mon- 
archs. Presidents and Senators. It is doubtful, however, 
whether he pays much attention to State Senators, or even 
continues his patronage to him of the Congressional body 
who fails to be re-elected, although bent on being notorious, 
he may continue to vociferate that he " knows a hawk from 
a hand-saw," and was "not educated at West Pinty 



Whoever, during the present year, has had his attention 
attracted by that beautiful group, the Pleiades, or Seven 
Stars, may have noticed near them, in the constellation 
Taurus, a star apparently of the first magnitude, shining with 
a peculiarly white light, and beaming down with a gentle. 



LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY 241 

steady radiance upon the Earth. This is the beautiful planet 
Saturn, which, moving slowly at the rate of two minutes daily 
among the stars, may be readily traced from one constellation 
to another. Saturn is nearly nine hundred millions of miles 
from the Sun. His volume is eleven hundred times that of 
the Earth ; and while his year is equivalent to twenty-nine 
and a half of ours, his day is shorter by more than one-half. 
Receiving but one-nineteenth part of the light from the Sun 
that we do, it follows that the inhabitants of Saturn are not 
equally enlightened with us ; and supposing them to be phys- 
ically constituted as we are, stoves and cooking ranges un- 
doubtedly go off at a ready sale and pretty high figure among 
them. Saturn differs from all the other planets, in being 
surrounded by three rings, consecutive to each other, which 
shine by reflection from the Sun, with superior brilliancy to 
the planet itself. It is also attended by eight satellites. 
Many theories have been started to account for the rings of 
Saturn, but none of them are satisfactory. Our own opinion 
is that this planet was originally diversified, like the Earth, 
with continents of land and vast oceans of water. By the 
rapid motion of the planet upon its axis, the oceans were col- 
lected near the equatorial regions, whence by the immense 
centrifugal force, they were subsequently thrown clear from 
the surface, and remained revolving about the denser body, 
at that distance where the centrifugal force and the attraction 
of gravitation, from the other planets, were in equilibrio. 

The ships floating on the surface of the waters at the time 
of this great convulsion, of course, went with them, and it ia 
11 



242 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 

a most painful reflection to the humane mind, that their crews 
have undoubtedly long since perished, after maintaining for 
a while their miserably isolated existence on a precarious 
supply offish. 

It is a curious and interesting fact, much dwelt on in 
popular treatises on Astronomy, that were a cannon ball fired 
from the Earth to Saturn, it would be one hundred and 
eighty years in getting there. The only useful deduction 
that we are able to make from this fact, however, is, that the 
inhabitants of Saturn, if warned of their danger by the sight 
of the flash or the sound of the explosion, would have ample 
opportunity in the course of the one hundred and eighty years, 
to dodge the shot ! 

Saturn was the father of all the Heathen Divinities, and 
we regret to say, was a most disreputable character. It will 
hardly be credited that he had a revolting habit of devouring 
his children shortly after their birth, and it was only by a 
pious deception of his wife, who furnished him with dogs, 
sheep, buffalo, and the like, on these occasions, with assur- 
ances that they were his offspring, that Jupiter and his 
brothers were preserved from their impending fate. A per- 
son of such a disposition could never be tolerated in a civi- 
lized community, and there is little doubt that if Saturn were 
a resident of the Earth at the present time, and should per- 
sist in his unpleasant practices, he would speedily be arrested 
and held to bail in a large amount. 



LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 243 



We know little of this planet, except that with its six 
moons, it was discovered by Dr. Herschel, a native of the 
island of England (situated on the north-west coast of 
Europe), in 1781. It was named by him the " Georgium 
Sidus," as a tribute of respect to a miserable, blind, old 
lunatic, who at that time happened to be king of the Island. 
Overlooking the sycophancy of the man, in their admiration 
for the services of the Astronomer, his philosophical contem- 
poraries re-named the planet, Herschel, by which title it is 
still known. An attempt made by the courtiers of the Eng- 
lish king to call it Uranus (a Latin expression, meaning 
" You reign over us"), happily failed to succeed. Herschel 
is supposed to be about eighty times larger than the Earth, 
and to have a period of revolution of about eighty-four years^ 
but its diurnal motion has not yet been discovered. 



Was discovered by a French gentleman, named Le Ver- 
rier, in 1846. It is supposed to be about forty thousand miles 
in diameter, and to have a period of one hundred and sixty- 
four years. But of this planet, and another still more re- 
mote from the Sun, lately discovered (to which the literati 
and savans of Europe propose to give the name of Squiboh, 
a Hebrew word signifying, " There you go wifh your eye 
out "), we know little from actual observation. That they 
exist, there can be no doubt, and it is possible, to use the ex- 



244 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY, 

pressive language of r? modern philosopher, " There are a few 
more of the same sort left " beyond them. 

Neptune is the God of the Sea, an unpleasant element, 
full of disagreeable fish, horrible sea-lions, and equivocal ser- 
pents, the reflection on which, or some other reasons, gener- 
ally makes every one sick who ventures upon it. He mar- 
ried a Miss Amphitrite, who, unlike sailors' wives in general, 
usually accompanies her husband on all his voyages. Nep- 
tune is the tutelar deity of seamen, who generally allude to 
him as " Davy Jones," and speak of the ocean as his " lock- 
er " (a locker indeed, in which untold thousands of their 
worn-out bones are bleaching), and on crossing the Equinoc- 
tial line, it was formerly tlie custom among them to perform 
certain rites in his honor, which pagan ceremonial has gradu- 
ally passed out of date. 

TUE ASTEROIDS. 

These are ten small planets, revolving about the Sun in 
different orbits, situated between those of Mars and Jupiter. 
They can seldom be seen without a powerful telescope ; and 
are of no great importance when you see them. Our friend, 
Dr. Olbers, who paid much attention to these little bodies, is 
of the opinion that they are fragments of a large celestial 
sphere, v/hich formerly revolved between Mars and Jupiter, 
and which, by some mighty internal convulsion, burst into 
pieces. With this opinion wo coincide. What caused the 
explosion, how many lives were lost, and whether blame 
could be attached to any one on account of it, are circum- 



LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 245 

stances that we shall probably remain in as profound igno- 
rance of as the unfortunate inhabitants of the planet found 
themselves after the occurrence. What purpose the Aster- 
oids now serve in the great economy of the Universe, it is 
impossible to ascertain ; it may be that they are reserved as 
receptacles for the departed souls of ruined merchants and 
broken brokers. As the Spaniard profoundly remarks, 
''QuienSahe?''' 

CHAPTEE 11. 
OF THE FIXED STAES. 

For convenience of description. Astronomers have di- 
vided the entire surface of the Heavens into numerous small 
tracts, called constellations, to which have been given names, 
resulting from some real or fancied resemblance in the ar- 
rangement of the stars composing them, to the objects in- 
dicated. This resemblance is seldom very striking, but 
nomenclature is arbitrary, and it is perhaps quite as well to 
call a collection of stars that don't look at all like a scorpion, 
" The Scorpion," as to name an insignificant village, with 
two or three hundred inhabitants, a tavern, no church, and 
twenty-seven grog shops, Eome, or Carthage. We once 
knew a couple of honest people, who named their eldest 
child (a singularly pug-nosed little girl), Madonna, Ma- 
donna Smith — and that infant grew up and did well, and 
was lately married to a highly respectable young butcher. 

A zone 16° in breadth, extending quite around the 
Heavens, 8° on each side of the Ecliptic, is called Zodiac, 



246 



LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 



This zone is divided into twelve equal parts or constella* 
tions, whicli are sometimes called the Signs of the Zodiac. The 
following are the names of these constellations, in their regu- 
lar order, and the number of visible stars contained in each • 



1. Aries . 

2. Taurus . 

3. Gemini , 

4. Cancer . 

5. Leo 

6. Virgo 

7. Libra . 

8. Scorpio . 

9. Sagittarius . 

10. Capri cornus 

11. Aquarius 

12. Pisces 



The Hydraulic Jlam, . 

The Irish Bull, . 

The Siamese Txcins . 

Tlie Soft Shelled Cral>, 

The Dandy Lion, 

Tlie Virago, 

The Hay Scales . 

The iV. Y. Berald . 

The Sparrow, 

Tlie Bishop, 

The Decanter, 

The Sardines, . 



66 

141 

85 

83 

95 

110 

51 

44 

69 

51 

108 

73 



To discover the position of these several constellations 
it is merely nesessary to have a starting point. On looking 
at the Heavens during the month of April, and considering 
the stars therein intently, the observer will at length find 
six bright stars arranged exactly in the form of a sickle. 
A very bright star is at the extremity of the handle. This 
is the star Regulus in the constellation Leo. Then some 
30° further to the east, he will observe a very brilliant 
star, with no visible stars near it. This is Spica in the 
Virgin. 

Still further east, rises Libra, distinguished by two rathei 
bright stars forming a parallelogram, with two rather dim 
ones, followed by Scorpio, whose stars resemble in their ar- 
rangement a kite, with a tail to it, and in which a brilliant 
red star, named Antares, forms the centre. Then Sagit- 



LECTURErS ON ASTRONOMY. 247 

tarlus and Capricornus separately span 30°; when rises 
Aquarjus, in whicli the most careless observer will notice 
four stars, forming very plainly, the letter Y. Pisces, a 
loose straggling succession of stars, intervenes between this 
sign and that of Aries, which may be distinguished by two 
bright stars, about 4° apart, the brightest, to the N. E. of 
the other. Taurus cannot be mistaken — it contains two re- 
markable clusters, the Pleiades and the Hyades ; the latter 
forming a well-marked letter Y. with the bright red star 
Aldebaran at the upper left-hand corner. Gemini contains 
two remarkably bright stars. Castor and Pollux ; — the for- 
mer much the most brilliant and the more northerly of the 
pair; they are but 6 '^ apart. Then follows 30° including 
Cancer, which contains no remarkably brilliant stars, and we 
return to our starting point. In the month of September, 
we would select as a starting point the star Antares, giving 
us the position of the Scorpion. Antares is of a remarkably 
red appearance, situated between, and equi-distant from, two 
other less brilliant stars with which it forms a curved line, 
which, extended by other stars, curve around at its ex- 
tremity lijie the tail of a flying kite, or if you please, like 
the tail of a scorpion. 

The fixed stars are classed according to their magnitude, 
first, second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. ; the stars of the fifth 
magnitude being the smallest that can be seen by the un- 
assisted eye. It is by no means our intention, in this course 
of lectures, to convey a complete, and thorough knowledge 
of Uranography (we assure you, madam, that this word is 



C48 M.'CVUa'S ON ASruONOMY. 

in tho Uiotiourtrv) ; lunvovor groat our ubilitv or iuelmation, 
ihc Uiuits pivsioriKnl us will not ^vrnut of it nw'* s!i.ill. thoro* 
foro. ooulino oursolvos to a briot' iU\^criptivni ot" tlio principal 
».'oustollation8, trustiug that tho iutorost a\vakcuv\l iu tlio 
luiiuls o( our nuuiorous roaJors ou tho subjoot, bv tnir ri>- 
u\avks. uunv load thorn to uiako it a v^tudv horoat'tor. For 
tliiti purpoj^o wo ^YOuUl loootuuiouJ as a suitablo proparatiou 
a lig'ht oouiso ot' roaviin^-. suoh, tor instanoo, as " Churoh's 
Ootoroutial and Intogrtvl Caloulus*/' to bo tolUnvod bv 
'• Bartlott's Optlos, ' auvl Uuuuuor's .Klouunits ot' Astrv>- 
v.ouiv." At'tor ihis. bv oloso and uuromittiug study ot* La 
riaoo. aud othor ou\iuou( wriiors. tor twoutv or thirty voars, 
tho roador, it' of o-ood natural abilitv. ui;iv ao.^uiro a supor- 
tloial kuo\vlodv:;o ot' tho soiouoo. 

"Tho i"»roat l>oar " (whioh is spoUod — Hoar — aiul has 
no rotorouoo wliatovor to l\nvors' iirook Slavo) is ouo of tho 
most romarkablo ooustollations iu tho lloavous. Wo oauuot 
iuiagiuo why it roooivod itj> uauu\ \u\losjj iudood. booauso it 
has not tho slii^htost rosouiblauoo to a groat Hoar, or any 
othor animal. It mav bo distiuguishod bv iwoans of a olus- 
tor of sovou brilliant stjirs, amvngtHl iu tho torui o( a dippor 
(not a duckj but a iin dippor). Of thoso, tho two, formiug 
tho sido of tho dippor, furthost from tho handlo, aro namod, 
tho lowor Mtixil'y tho nppor .Pu:'/u\ and aro oallod tho 
PoinitrSf from tho faot. that iu whatovor position tho oon- 
titoUatiou is obsorvod, a lino passing through thoso two stara 
and ooutiuuod iu tho dirootiou oi' DahJu' t'or *J8"^ passos 
through Oynosura, tlio Nortii or polo star. To this ro- 



LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 249 

markable star — it was discovered some years since — a mag- 
netic needle will constantly point, a discovery which has 
done more for commerce, made more sailors and caused 
more fatigue to the legs of the author, than any other under 
heaven, Colt's pistols not excepted. It must not be under- 
stood that the needle points to the pole star, because the 
star possesses any particular attraction for it. Currents of 
electricity passing constantly from W. to E. about the eartL, 
cause the needle to point N. and S.j and it is merely in con- 
sequence of the star Cynosura lying exactly in the N., that 
it appears directed toward it. Immediately opposite to the 
Q-reat Bear, beyond Cynosura, we observe the constellation 
Cassiopeia, which, instead of representing as it should, a re- 
spectable looking old woman sitting on a throne, takes the 
appearance of a chair, which, constantly revolving about the 
North star, is thrown into as many different positions as the 
chair used by the celebrated " India-rubber man," in his 
wonderful feats of dexterity. 

Near Cassiopeia, but further to the E., we find Andro- 
meda, which constellation, representing a young lady, chained 
to a rock, without a particle of clothing, we shall not attempt 
to point out more definitely. Perseus, near Andromeda, 
holds in his hand the head of Medusa, a glance from whose 
eyes turned the gazer into stone, which accounts for the ori- 
gin of the Stones, a numerous and highly respectable family 
in the United States. If we prolong the handle of the dip- 
per some 25°, we observe a brilliant star of the first magni- 
tude, of a ruddy appearance, called Arcturus ; which many 



'250 LECTUKES ON ASTRONOMY 

years since, a person named Job, >Yas asked if ho could giiido 
Hud he acknowledged he couldn't do it. The star is in the 
knee of the Bootes (which is pronounced Bootees ; he was 
the inventor and wonrcr of those articles), who, with two 
greyhounds, Asteriou and Ohara, is apparently driving the 
Bear forever around the pole. A beautiful star oO'^ E. of 
Arcturus, named Lyra, distinguished by two small stars with 
which it makes an equilateral triaiiglc, points out the position 
of the .Harp ; immediately beneath which is seen the J^wan, 
distinguished by live stars forming a large ami regular cross, 
the foot of which being turned up, prevents its being noticed, 
unless closely examined. The bright star in the hciul o( the 
cross is Pcncb Cygni. Twenty degrees S. K. of I^yra, we 
observe the brilliant star Altair in the Kagle, equidistant 
from two other small stars, making with it a slight curve. 

The beautiful constellation Orion (which takes its mvmo 
from the founder of the celebrated Irish family of O'Eyan) 
may be easily distinguished by its belt, three bright stars, 
forming a right line about o"-^ in length ; with three smaller 
stars immediately below (forming an angle with it), which 
distinguish the handle of the sword. The brilliant star of 
the first magnitude, in the left slioulder of Orion, is called 
Betelguese, that in the right shoulder, Bellatrix ; the star iu 
the right knee, is Saiph, that in the left foot, Bigel. Some 
20"'"' X. K. o( the seven stars, the brilliant star Capella, iu 
the Wagoner, may be recognized by three small stars, form- 
ing an acute-angled triaugle, immediately below it. A very 
beautiful star, of peculiarly whitish lustre, named Formal- 



LECTURES O:^ ABTRONOMY. 251 

haut, forniB the eye of the Southern Finh ; it m ahout 30^ S. 
E. of the Y in Aquarius and cannot be mintaken, as it in tho 
only brilliant Btar in that part of the IleaveriB. We have 
now mentioned mowt of tho principal constellation h, but we 
suspect that the ardent curiosity and love of research of our 
readers will hardly allow them to rest contented with the 
meagre information thus conveyed, but that they will hasten 
to seek in the writings of standard authors, such a knowledge 
of this interesting subject, as the scope of these lectures will 
not permit us to attempt imparting. They will thus find the 
truth of Hamlet's statement, " that more things exist in 
Heaven and Earth, than are dreamed of" in their philosophy. 
Dragons, Hydras, Serpents and Centaurs, Big Dogs and Lit- 
tle Dogs, Doves, Coons and Ladies' Hair, will be exhibited 
to their admiring gaze, and they will also have their atten- 
tion directed to the remarkable constellation Phoenix (named 
for an ancestor of the present Johannes, but not in the least 
resembling him, or the family portraits), to which the modesty 
of the author has merely permitted him to make this brief 
allusion. On the subject of Comets, we should have desired 
to make a lengthy dissertation ; but Professor Silliman in his 
late efi'orts to throw light upon it, has decided that these 
bodies are nothing but Gas ; which sets the matter at rest 
forever, and renders discussion useless. 

The lecture now closes, with an exhibition of the " Phan- 
iasmagoria" (which is the scientific name of a tin Magio 
Lantern), showing the various Heavenly Bodies tranquilly 
revolving round the Sun, perfectly undisturbed by the ex- 



•J02 LECTURES OX ASTKO^'OMT. 

travagaut motunis of those rampant eomots. continually cross* 
iug their paths in orbits of impossibU^ eeeentrieitv. whih^ the 
organ, slowly tnrned by the 1^-otessor >\ith one hand (tho 
other imparting motion to the planets), emits in phiintivu 
tones that tonehinsr luehHlv the '* Low Backed Oar," o-iviuj; 
an excruciating and probably correct idea of the "' ]Music of 
tlie Spheres," which nobody ever heard, and, therefore, the 
correctness of the imitation cannot be disputed. This por- 
tion of the entertainment should be continued as long as pos- 
sible, as the author has observed, it never tails to give great 
satisfaction to the audience; any exhibition requiring a 
darkened room, being a "sure card" of attraction in a com 
munity where there are many young people, which accounts 
for the wonderfid success of Banvard's Panorama. Should 
the Professor's arm become wearied before the audience are 
entirely satisfied, it is easy to disperse them, by the simple 
process of shutting down the slide, stopping the organ, and 
inducing a small boy, by a trifling pecimiary compensation, to 
holla Fire/ in the vicinity of the lecture room. 

The author acknowledges the receipt of " An Astronomi 
cal Poem '' from a " Young Observer," eommenciug 

'• Ob, if I had n telosoope -with tourtoou slides," 

with the modest request that he would "introduce'' it in his 
second lecture ; but the detestable attempt of the ''Young 
Observer" to make "slides" rhyme with "Pleiades" in tho 
second line, and the fearful p\m in tho thirty-seventh verse, 
©n " the Meteor by moonlight alone," compel him to decline 



LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 253 

the introduction. The manuscript will be returned to the 
author, on making known his real name, and engaging to 
destroy it immediately. 



A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 

CHAPTER I. 

It was evening at the Tehama. The apothecary, whose shop 
formed the south-eastern corner of that edifice, had lighted 
his lamps, which, shining through those large glass bottles 
in the window, filled with red and blue liquors, once supposed 
by this author, when young and innocent, to be medicine of 
the most potent description, lit up the faces of the passers-by 
with an unearthly glare, and exaggerated the general redness 
and blueness of their noses. Within the office the hands of 
the octagonal clock, which boked as though it had been 
thrown against the wall in a moist state and stuck there, 
pointed to the hour of eight. The apartment was nearly 
deserted. Frink, *' the courteous and gentlemanly manager," 
and the Major, had gone to the Theatre; having season tick- 
ets, they felt themselves forced to attend, and never missed 
a performance. The coal fire in the office stove glowed with 
« hospitable warmth, emitting a gentle murmur of welcome to 



A LEGEND OP THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 255 

the expected wayfarers by the Sacramento boats, interrupted 
only by an occasional deprecatory hiss, when insulted by a 
stream of tobacco juice. Overcoats hung about the walls, still 
moist with recent showers ; umbrellas reclined lazily in corners ; 
spittoons stood about the floor, the whole diffusing that name- 
less odor so fascinating to the married man, who, cigar in 
mouth and hot whiskey punch at elbow, sits nightly until 
twelve o'clock in the enjoyment of it, while the wife of his 
bosom in their comfortable home on Powell street, wonders 
at his absence, and unjustly curses the Know Nothings or the 
Free and Accepted Masonic Fraternity. 

Behind the office desk, perched on a high, three-legged 
stool, his head supported by both hands, the youthful but lit- 
erary John Duncan was deeply engaged in the exciting peru- 
sal of the last yellow-covered novel, " Blood for Blood, or the 
Infatuated Dog." He knew that, in a few moments, eighty- 
four gentlemen " in hot haste," would call to inquire whether 
the Member of Congress had returned, and was anxious to 
find out what the '' Bobber Chieftain " did with the " Lady 
Maude Alleyne " before the arrival of the Sacramento boat. 
The only other occupant of the office, was a short, fleshy gen- 
tleman with a white hat, dark green coat with brass buttons, 
drab pantaloons, short punchy little boots and gaiters. 

These circumstances might be noted as he stood with his 
back to the door, gazing intently upon one of those elaborate 
works of art with which the spirited proprietor has lately seen 
fit to adorn the walls of the Tehama. It represented a lady 
in a ball dress, seated on the back of a large dray-horse (at 



256 A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 

least olglitoon hands liiirli), and holding a parrot on her righl 
forolingor, ^Yhilo at her horse's feet kneeled a man in tho 
stage dress of IMorcutio, doing something -with live or six 
other parrots. The }>ieee ^Yas ealled " Hawking," had a fnie 
gilt frame and glass, and in eertain lights, answered tho pur- 
pose of a mirror, and was therefore a very pretty object to 
gn/.e upon. In fact, the short, stout gentleman was adjusting 
his shirt eoUar, whieh was of prodigious height, and had a per- 
verse inelination to turn down on one side, bv its reflection. 

As he turned from this employ ment, he exhibited one of 
the most curious faces it is possible to conceive. Unlike most 
fat men, whose little eyes, round, red cheeks, wart -like noses 
and double chins, convey but little nu\ining or expression, 
this gentleman's face was all expression, .lie wore a con- 
staut look of the most intense curiosity. Inquisitiveness sat 
iipou every lineanuMit of his countenance. His small, green 
eyes protruding from his head, surmounted by thin but well- 
deiiued and very curvilinear eyebrows, looked like two notes 
of interrogation; his nose, though small, was sharp at tho 
end like a gimlet, and his little round mouth was eonstautly 
pursed up into an expression of inquiring wonder, as though 
the most uatural souud that could fall from it, should be, 
" 0-0-0-0 ! come now, do tell.'' In fact he was one of those 
beings created by a wise but inscrutable Providence, for no 
other purpose apparently but " to meddle witli otlier peiv 
ple's business," and ask questions. 

His name was Boglo, and Avith Mrs. l>oglc, whom he had 
married two years before, because, having exhausted all other 



A LEGEND OP THE TEIIAWA HOUSE. 25? 

BuljJGCts of inquiry in convcrHatiori with }jor, he Iiad finality 
asked her if whc vvouhi have him, and a little Bogle, who had 
made it:s appearance Home three months since, and already 
" took notice " witli an inquiring air painful to contemplate, 
JiC occupied, for the present, " lloom No, 31." 

Bogle would have made a fortune in no time, if he had 
lived in the blessed era when the promise " Ask and ye shall 
receive " was fulfilled ; and so well was his disposition under- 
stood by the frequenters of the Tehama, that they invariably 
left the vicinity when he looked askant at them; his presence 
cleared the room as quickly as a stream from a fire engine, 
or a mad dog could have done it. Brushing some remains of 
snuff from his snow white vest — Bogle took snuff inordinately 
— he said it sharpened up his faculties — he turned upon the 
hapless Duncan— who had just got the " Lady Maude " into 
the cave, where the skeleton hand dripped blood from the 
ceiling— " John, what time is it?" John looked at the 
clock with a slight groan, " Five minutes past eight, Mr. 
Bogle." 

" What time will the boat be in ? " 

" In a few moments, Mr. Bogle." 

" Will the General come down to-night ? " 

" I don't know, Mr. Bogle." 

'' IIow old a man do you take him to be now ? " 

" Fontaine she screamed ! — that is, I don't know, Mr 
Bogle." 

" How much docs he weigh ? " 

" The skeleton ! — indeed, I don't know, sir." 



258 A LEGEND OP THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 

The conversation was here suspended by the sudden arri- 
val of a stranger. He was a large man, of stern and forbid 
ding aspect, exceedingly dark complexion, with long, black 
hair hanging in unkempt tangles about his shoulders, and 
with a fierce and uncompromising moustache and beard, 
blacker than the driven charcoal, completely concealing the 
lower part of his face. His dress was singular ; a brown hat, 
brown coat, brown vest, brown neck cloth, brown pantaloons, 
brown gaiter boots. In his hand he carried a brown carpet 
bag, and beneath his arm a brown silk umbrella. Hastily he 
inscribed his name upon the Register, " General Tecumseh 
Brown^Brownsville," and, for an instant, seemed to fall into 
a brown study. Bogle was on the qui vive ; he looked over 
the General's shoulder. 

" From Sacramento, sir ? " said he. 

The General gazed at Bogle, sternly, for a moment, and 
replied, " I am, sir." 

*' I see, sir," said Bogle with a cordial smile, " you live in 
Brownsville; may I inquire if you are in business there?" 

The General gazed at Bogle more sternly than before, 
and shortly answered, " You may, sir." 

" Well," said Bogle, " are you?" 

" Yes, sir," replied General Brown in a stentorion voice, 
at the same time advancing a step toward his fat little in- 
quisitor, " I have lately made a fortune there." 

" Oh !" said Bogle, nimbly jumping back as the General 
advanced, " How ? " 

^^By minding my own husinessj sir!'''' thundered the 



A LEGEND OP THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 259 

General, and turning to Duncan, -wlio had forgotten the 
"Lady Maude" in the charms of this conversation, said^ 
" Give me my key, sir, and the moment a young man calls 
here to inquire for me, send him up to my room." 

So saying, and grasping the key extended to him, General 
Brown turned away, and, casting a look of fierce malignity 
at little Bogle, who tried to conceal his confusion by taking 
a pinch of snuff, retired, taking with him as he went, the only 
hrown japanned candlestick that stood among the numerous 
array of those articles, provided for the Tehama's guests." 

" Well," said Bogle, " of all the Brown — where did you 
put him, John?" 

" No. 32," replied that individual, returning to " the 
cave." 

" Thirty-two ! " exclaimed Bogle, " Goodness ! G-racious ! 
why that joins my room, and the partition is as thin as a 
wafer." 



CHAPTER II. 

Up stairs went Bogle, two steps at a time. The door of 
thirty-two slammed, as he reached the door of his apartment; 
it slammed on a brown coat-tail, about half a yard of which 
remained on the outside ; there was a muttered ejaculation, 
then a deep growl, and — rip ! went the coat-tail, the frag- 
ment remaining in the door. 

" Gracious ! Goodness ! " said Bogle, " what a passionate 
man ! he's torn it off ! he's like Halley's comet ; no ! that 



260 A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 

never had a tail ! lie's like that fox," — and Bogle entered his 
apartment. 

Here sat his interesting wife, rocking their offspring, and 
instilling into its infant mind the first lesson of practical 
economy, by singing that popular nursery refrain, 

" Buy loYT, Bab J ; buy low, buy low.** 

" Hush ! " said Bogle, as he entered on tip-toe, and, care- 
fully closing the door of thirty-one, held up a warning finger 
to the partner of his joys and sorrows. The lullaby ceased. 
It is said that all women become like their husbands after a 
certain time, both in appearance and disposition. Mrs. 
Bogle, who had been a Miss Artemesia Stackpole before mar- 
riage (Bogle said she was named for an elder sister, Mesia, 
who died, and she was called Arter-mesia), certainly did not 
at all resemble her husband in appearance. She was of the 
thread-paper order ; one of those gaunt, bony females of no 
particular age, who alwaj^s have two false eye-teeth, and wear 
brown merino dresses and muslin night-caps with a cotton 
lace border in the morning. But in disposition she was his 
very counterpart. Curious, meddling, inquisitive, fond of 
gossip and indefatigable in '' the pursuit of knowledge under 
difficulties," she was an invaluable coadjutor to Bogle, whom 
she had materially assisted many times in obtaining informa- 
tion, that even his prying nature had failed to accomplish. 
Eagerly she listened to his tale about the mysterious Brown 
and his tail, and, like a good and dutiful wife, all quietly she 



A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 26 1 

nursed the olive branch, while Bogle, seated in close prox- 
imity to the partition, listened with eager ear, intent, to the 
motions of their neighbor. 

Three times in .as many quarters of an hour did that 
mysterious General ring the bell ; three times came up the 
waiter ; three times he replied to the G-eneral's anxious 
question, " that no one had called for him," and three times 
he went down again. After each interview with the waiter, 
Bogle listening ai the partition, heard the General mutter to 
himsalf a large word, a scriptural word, but not adapted to 
common conversation ; it began with a capital D and ended 
with a small n. Each time that he heard it, Bogle said 
'' Gracious ! Goodness ! " At length his patient exertions 
were rewarded. As the clock struck ten, a step was heard 
upon the stairs ; nearer and nearer it came. Bogle's heart 
beat heavily ; it stopped in front of " thirty-two ; " — he held 
his breath ; — a knock ; — the General's voice, " Come in ; " — 
he heard the door open, and the stranger commence with 
" Good evening, General," but before he could say " Brown," 
that gentleman exclaimed, " Charles, haveyousQen Fanny ? " 

Bogle, his ear glued to the wall, turned his eye toward 
his wife and beckoned. Artemesia approached, and seating 
herself on his knee, the infant clasped to her breast, listened 
with her husband 

The stranger slowly replied, " I have." 

" And who was she with ? " 

" That Frenchman, as "you supposed." 

" Good God ! " exclaimed the stricken Brown, as in agony 



262 A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 

lie paced the room with fearful strides. There was a mo 
ment's silence. 

" Did you take her from him ? " 

" Yes, I persuaded her to accompany me to my room at 
* The Union.'" 

" Why did you not bring her to me at once ? " 

*^ I knew your passionate nature, General, and I feared 
you would kill her." 

^^ I will! " growled the General, " By Heaven, I will ! — 
but not so — not as you think ; I'll poison her ! " 

Bogle, his face pallid with apprehension, his teeth chat- 
tering with fear, looked at Artemesia; " — she met his horror- 
stricken gaze, and with a subdued shriek, clasped the baby j 
— it awoke. 

The General, in a low, deep voice of concentrated pas- 
sion, continued ; — " I'll poison her, Charles ! " 

" Oh ! " he exclaimed with deep emotion, "how I have 
loved that—" 

Here the infant Bogle, who had been drawing in his 
breath for a cry, broke forth ; — " At once there rose so wild 
a yell." Human nature could not stand it longer. 

" Smother that little villain ! " said Bogle in a fierce 
whisper ; " I can't hear a word." 

Artemesia, with the look of Lucretia Borgia, withdrew 
with tire child to the adjoining room, (No. 31, Tehama, 
contains two rooms, a small parlor and a bed-chamber), and 
administered a punishment that must have astonished it— 



A LEGEND OP THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 263 

it was certainly struck aback. If babies remember any 
tiling, that youthful Bogle has not forgotten that bastinado — 
applied a little higher up than is customary among the 
Turks — to this day. " At length the tumult dwindled to a 
calm," and again Bogle clapped his ear to the wall. He 
heard but the concluding words of the murderous General-^ 

" Bring her up with you at ten o'clock to-morrow evening, 
and a sack ; after it is over, we will put her body in it, and 
carry her to Meiggs' wharf, where there are plenty of brick ; 
we can fill the sack with them and throw her off." 

" Well, sir," replied the stranger, " if you are determined 
to do it, I will ; but poor Fanny ! " — ^here emotion choked 
his utterance. 

" You do as I tell you, sir ;" growled the General, "there's 
no weakness about me ! " Here the door opened and closed. 

Bogle rose from his knees, the perspiration was running 
down his fat face in streams. — "No weakness," said he, 
" Goodness Gracious ! I should say not ; — what an awful 
affair; — coming so close, too, upon the Meiggs' forgeries, 
and the loss of the Yankee Blade ; — how providential that 
I happened to overhear it all ! Gracious Goodness ! " 

That night, in a whispered consultation with his Arte- 
mesia. Bogle's plan of action was decided upon. But long 
after this, and long after the horror-stricken pair had sunk 
into a perturbed slumber, the footsteps of the intended mur- 
derer might have been heard, as hour after hour he paced 
the floor of his solitary chamber, and his deep voice might 



264 A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 

have been heard also, occasionally giving vent to his fell 

determination — " Yes, sir! I'll-mur-der ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 

I!!—! 

CHAPTER III. 

The next morning a great change might have beeu ob- 
served in our friend Bogle. He appeared unusually quiet 
and reserved — pallid and nervous ; — starting when any one 
approached him, be stood alone near the door of the Tehama; 
he sought no companionship — he asked no questions. Men 
marvelled thereat. 

"What has come over Bogle?" said the Judge to the 
Major. " I haven't heard him ask a question to-day." 

" Well," was the unfeeling reply, " he's been asking ques- 
tions for the last thii-ty years, and I reckon he has asked all 
there are." 

But Bogle knew what he was about. At three P.M. 
precisely, General Brown came majestically down stairs ; he 
passed Bogle so nearly that he could have touched him ; but 
he noticed not the latter's shuddering withdrawal ; he looked 
neither to the right or left, but, gloomy and foreboding, like 
an avenging genius, he passed into the apothecary's on the 
corner. 

" Give me an ounce bottle of strychnine," said he. 

"For rats, sir?" said the polite attendant. 

The General started ; he gave a fearful scowl. " Yes," 
he said, with a demoniac laugh, " for rats ! ha ! ha ! oh yes— 
for — rats ! " 



A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 265 

Eoglc lieard this ; — lie heard no more ; he started for the 
Police Office. 



Who was Fanny ?— ? ?- ? ? ? ? ! 



.9? 99' 



That eveniDg about ten o'clock, Bogle sat alone, or alone 
saFO his Artemesia, in No. 31. The baby had been put to 
bed ; and silent and solemn in that dark apartment, for the 
lamp had been extinguished, sat listening that shuddering 
pair. A step was heard on the stairs, and closer drew the 
Bogles together, listening to vhat step, as it sounded fearfully 
distinct, from the beating of their own agitated hearts. 

As it drew near, it was evident that two persons were 
approaching ; for, accompanying the first distinct tread, was 
a light footfall like that of a youag and tender female. 
" Poor thing ! " said Artemesia, with a suppressed gasp. The 
heavy tread of General Brown could be heard distinctly in 
No. 32. The parties stopped at his door; — a knock, and 
they were silently admitted. 

The voice of the General broke the silence — " Oh ! 
Fanny," he exclaimed in bitter anguish, how could you 
desert me ! " There was no articulate reply, but the Bogles 
heard from the unhappy female an expression of grief, which 
almost broke their hearts. 

"Fanny," continued the General, "you have been faith- 
less to me — fickle and false as your sex invaiiixbly are ! I 
12 



266 A I.KOKXD OP Tin: Tr.UAM.V UOl'SB. 

lovod vou, Fium}- — I lovo you still! — but uiy luwvt can nc 

luoiv bo uiado the sport of tnlsohood ! You must ilio ! Tnko 
this!" 

" Hold— wretch ! '' shoutod Boglo. "Lit luo j;o, Arto- 
moiua;'' aud throwing otV hist eimt, the horoio littlo follow 
throAY opou his o>yu door, kioked dowu tho door of thirty- 
two, aud stood iu tho prosouoo o( i\\c uuirdoror aud hia 
viotiui — pistol iu hand! At tho samo instant tho boll o( 
thirtj-ouo was violontly ruu.<;\ tho doors on oaoh sido opouod, 
aiid tho gallorv was tillod with uuni. Init what oausod Hoglo 
to faltor? AVliv did ho uot rush fvU'ward to suatoh tho vio- 
tiui tVoui hor dostroyorV Noar tho ooutvo-tabh\ tni whioh 
was burniug au astral lamp. sti>od a rouiarkably lino looking 
youug mau, who gai'-od ou Boglo's short, punohy tiguro with 
au inquiring siuilo. 

On tho othor sido of tho tablo, but noaror tho doiu-, his 
brow blaokor thau a thuudor-oloud, sat ("louoral ]>rowu 
iu one hand ho hold a small piooo of moat, tho othor 
retained botwoou his kuoos a small but oxooodiugly stauoh- 
lookiug dog, of tho truo bull-torrior brood. Both tlio (\Oii- 
oral and tho dog showod thoir tooth; — both woro opitomodf 
of forocitv, but tho iiuiarl of tho dog was as nothing to tho 
snarl of tho Gouornl, as, half-rising from his seat, l)ut still 
holding tho dog down by tho collar, ho shouted — " Ilow'a 
this, sir?" 

Boirle stafiTJierod baek — ilasluni:j back from his brow tho 
perspiration, ho dropped tho pistol aud leaning against tho 
door, gasped rather than artieulated — *' It's a dog !" 



A r^noKSD or riir tvjuj.ia nouSB. /if57 

\t,ii. rilr!'' ro;xn;'l Uj^j infuriated G'-noral, rinirj^ from 
}ji8 ckair — ^^ando. :ihe dofj at tkaU wliat Kavo you }r<,i Us 
Hny about it V " 

iioglo, almoHt faiuting, Ki'dfum<:r<A pai/i fully forUi, " J.^ 
hor — name — Fanny ? " 

" I) n you Bir," Hcrcarned the General, " I'll let you 

J:now ! Hta-hoy ! bite Jjirn, Fan ! " 

Like an arrow from a how, like lightning from the elou'j, 
like i-hot off a nhovel, like any thing that goes r^uick, «prang 
the female bull-tf;rrier on the unhappy ]{ogle. 

" Man is but mortal," and liogle turned to flee. " It waj< 
too lat^j! " Why did he take off hi.-; eoat ? — ah ! why wear 
Hueh tight pantaloons ? 

Hhrieking like a demon, the ferocious hea«t clinging to 
one extremity, bin hair on end with fright, and horror at the 
other, ]5ogle rushed frantically down the paH;-;age, overturning 
in bin ma^l career police ofTicerH, cliamberrnaidH, housekeeper 
and boardern, who, alarmed at bin outcrieu, thronged tumul- 
tuouBly into the halL The firnt flight of Htairs he took at a 
jump; — the second he rolled down from top to bottom, the 
bull-terrier clinging to him like a Hteel traj;>— firnt the dog 
on top, tijen I'ogle; — arrived at tlje bottom, he sprang forth 
into HsLUHomfi street, and reckless of Frink's alarmf><l cry — 
" Htop that man — ^lie hasn't paid bis bill ! " away he went on 
the wings of the wind. It was an awful sight to sec that lit- 
tle figure, as, wild \^ith horror, he ran adown tlie street, tho 
Ktanch dog swinging from side to side, as he fled. 

It was a feaiful race ! Never did a short pair of legs get 



A T.ECr.ND PF TTIK TKIIAMA KOVST:. 

over an equal spaoo in aji equal time, than on that trying oo* 
casion. At length a sailor on Oonuuereial street, talviitg tho 
dog lor a portninuteaii, with wiruh he supposed Bi\gle Avas 
luakiiig otV, stretehed out a tVleudly leg and tripped hiui up. 
But his troubles were not eudinl. AVIumi a bull-torrier takes 
a hold — a fair hold — to get it otV, one of two alternatives 
must obtain ; — either tho aninuiVs teeth must be drawn, or 
the piece must eome out. They liadu't tiuu^ to draw Fanny's 
teeth— ! 

They brought Bogle home in a hand-eart, and put him 
to bed. He hasn't sat down sinoe. As they took him up 
stairs to his rooui, surrounded by a elamorous throng, the 
door of No. 10, at the foot of the first tlight of stairs, opened, 
and a gentleman of exeeeding dignity, made his appearaueo 
in a dressing gown of beautifully embroidered pattern. 

" John,'' he said to jMr. Punean, who, with an extensive 
grin on his eo\nitenanee, and '' Blood for Blood " (somewhat 
dilapidated in the seulUe) in his hand, was bringing up the rear 
of the procession Avith a candle, '' what's all this row about ? ' 

John brieily explained. 

"I thought it a tire," said the gentleman, "but, J^artu- 
riiint monies, nasceiur — ' " 

" A ridiculous muss," said the classic John "Duncan. 

The gentleman retired ; so did the chambermaid ; so did 
the boarders generally ; so did Cieneral Brown, witli his dog 
under his arm, swearing he would not part with her for five 
hundred dollars ; so did the policemen, somewhat scandalized 
that nobody was murdered after all. 



A LEGEND OF THE TEILllMA HOUSE. 269 

Bogle left the house next day in a baby-jumper, swung 
to a pole between two Chinamen. Artemesia and the infant 
followed. 

I hear that he has lately increased his business, taken a 
partner, and attends to the examination of wills, marriage 
settlements, and other papers belonging entirely to other 
people's business. Sneak is the name of the partner ; he or 
Bogle may be seen daily at the " Hall of Eecords," from ten 
until two o'clock, overhauling something or other, that is 
no concern of theirs. They furnish all sorts of information 
gratis. It is like the wine you get where they advertise " All 
sorts of liquors at \2^ cents a glass." 

General Brown has settled in Grass Yalley, Nevada 
County, and would have appointed every white male inhabi- 
tant of California a member of his staff with the rank of 
Lieutenant-colonel, had he not been anticipated. 

Fanny killed forty-four rats in thirty seconds, only last 
week — so Tom says. 

The Tehama House is still there. 



INTEEESTma COKKESPONDENCE. 

[We have received for publication the following correspondence, v/hich 
Is more than rich ; it is positively luscious.] 

"WAsniNGTON, January 14, 1S54. 

Lieut , U, S. A., San Diego, Col. 

Sir : — An ejQfort having been made by me in connection 
Nvitli others, to obtain an act of Congress during its present ses- 
sion, by which army officers will receive the same allowances 
whilst they served in California and Oregon, as were grant- 
ed to Navy officers, I beg to call your attention thereto, and 
especially ask your approval of the contemplated attempt. 

You are aware that Congress, at its last session, granted 
in the Naval Appropriation bill, extra pay ($2 per diem), to 
the officers, and double pay to sailors and others, serving in 
the Pacific during the Mexican war, and up to the 28th of 
September, 1850. This allowance was based upon the sup- 
position that the officers of the army serving in California 
had received the same allowance, by previous acts of Con- 
gress, when in fact this extra pay had only been granted 
them from the 1st July, 1850. There are a large number 
of army officers justly entitled to an additional allowance, 



INTERESTING CORRESPONDENCE. 271 

and for precisely the same reasons wliicli has induced Con- 
gress to grant it to the Navy, and especially those who 
served there subsequent to the 1st January, 1848; when 
they were compelled to pay the most exorbitant prices for 
the necessaries of life, having no other alternative, and no 
means of leaving the country like the officers of the Pacific 
squadron, who could have left the coast of California and 
gone to a cheaper station. 

I have been requested by a number of officers stationed 
in Texas, to solicit your co-operation in carrying out this 
desirable object, by contributing, in the event of success, the 
proportionable per centum, agreed upon by them, namely: 
five or ten per cent, on the amount that may accrue, to you, 
as a remuneration for services rendered. Your concurrence 
is therefore requested, and it is understood that if there 
should be a failure, which, however, is not anticipated, no 
charge of any kind shall be made. 

Soliciting your immediate attention, and early reply, 
I remain very respectfully. 

Your ob'dt servant, 
CHAELES D . 



SAif Diego, 20th March, 1854. 

My dear Charles : — I have received your modest request 
of the 4th of January, that I will give you five or ten per 
cent, of any sum that Congress may hereafter, in its infinite 



272 INTERESTING CORRESPONDENCE. 

beneficence, appropriate to my relief; a request which you 
state you make to me at tlie instance of " a number of offi- 
cers stationed in Texas." 

For the benefit of those gentlemen, as well as yourself, I 
have asked Mr. Ames to print your letter, and my answer, in 
the world-renowned San Diego Herald — the only method I 
see of communicating with your advisers; as a letter directed 
to " a number of officers stationed in Texas," might possibly 
never reach them, through the ordinary channels. 

Upon mature reflection, of nearly five minutes, I have 
come to the conclusion to decline acceding to your propo- 
sal. This decision has resulted from several considerations 

In the first place, I don't know you, Charles. I never 
heard of you before, in all my life. To be sure, I see by 
your card, which you so kindly enclosed, and which my wife 
has just stuck up in the corner of the cracked looking-glass 
that adorns our humble chamber, that you are a G-eneral 
Agent (which may be a new military rank for all I know 
created with the Lieutenant-generalcy, and if it is, I beg 
your pardon and touch my hat, for I have a great respect for 
rank), and a Notary Public, and that you live on Seventh 
street, opposite the Odd Fellows' Hall, (why not move across 
the street ?) But all this does not amount to friendship, 
intimacy, or even common acquaintance; and I declare, 
Charles, I do not even know now whether you may not bo 
some designing person, who, seeing that a bill is likely to 
pass for the relief of certain distressed officers, seeks to levy 
a little black mail, say five or even ten per cent., on the 



INTERESTING CORRESPONDENCE. 273 

scanty pittance, under the pretext of having influenced 
Congress in its humane decision; a thing that I believe 
all the Greneral Agents, Notary Publics, U. S. Commission- 
ers, and Commissioners of DeedS; that ever lived opposite or 
in Odd Fellows^ Hall, would fail to accomplish, had not 
Congress made up its benevolent mind to do it without con- 
sulting them-. 

2dly. Why should I promise to give you ten per cent, of 
that allowance ? (Oh, donH you wish you might get it — I 
hope I shall.) You say you have made an effort to get it for 
us. Ah, Charles, I love and honor you for doing so, if you 
have ; but how, when, and where — tell me where, did you 
make that effort. But if you did do so, what of it ? Perhaps 
you made an effort, too, to get me the pay I now receive. 
Perhaps — startling thought ! — ^you will be writing to me for 
"five or ten per cent." of that humble income ! Don't try it, 
Charles ; you wouldn't get it, I assure you. 

As to your making an effort, that's all nonsense. Every 
body makes efforts now-a-days. Every body that ever I 
read of, except Mrs. Dombey, made an effort ; and if my 
grandmother were to die and leave me a thousand dollars, 
you might, with equal propriety, inform me that you made 
an effort for that venerable person's decease, and claim " five 
or ten per cent." of that amount of property, as to humbug 
me with your making efforts to influence Congress, who, as I 
said before, I solemnly believe is independent of all the ef- 
forts of all the Notary Publics in all Washington. 

From these two considerations, I conclude that you have 



274 INTERESTING CORRESPONDENCE. 

no claim or sliadow of a claim on me, but that your proposal 
is merely a request for charity, to the amount of " five or 
ten per cent." on the small sum that you, living in Washing- 
ton, and watching the signs of the times, begin to believe 
Congress is going to allow me. This charity I shall decline 
bestowing, for three good and suf&cient reasons : 

1st. I am very poor myself. 

2d. I have a family to support on $89 83 a month, which 
isn't such a tremendous income, in a country where flour ia 
$30 per barrel. 

3d. I'll see you first, giving you full permission to 

fill the blank with any kind aspiration for your future well- 
fare and happiness, that may occur to you, and that you 
may deem appropriate. 

Farewell, Charles — remember me kindly to " a number 
of officers stationed in Texas," when you write. Invest 
properly and judiciously, the '' five or ten per cents " you get 
from them — in your future efl'orts forget me, and remem- 
ber to 

"Be virtuous and you will be happy." 
Adieu, 

Yours respectively, 
, Lieut. U. S. A. 

To C. D. Esquire, Opposite Odd Fellows' Hall, Genej^l Agpnt, 
Notary Public, Commissioner of Deeds, and U.1(^|p|Hmissioner 
for all the States in the Unio^^^ ^ s e w h e re! 



THE EXTREMITY. 



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